Blindness-related Short Stories

I’m really loving these stories. Wish I’d have found this site sooner.

From the Thought Provoker site.

Thought Provoker

Quoting from the site…

ADJUSTMENT TO BLINDNESS AND VISUAL IMPAIRMENT
by
Robert Leslie Newman

2008 Dr. Jacob Bolotin Award Recipient

•I was awarded one of the first ever Dr. Jacob Bolotin Awards for my work with THOUGHT PROVOKER. These awards are given to recognize outstanding individual and organizational achievements in the blindness field. The awards are to be presented annually by the National Federation of the Blind with support from the Alfred and Rosalind Perlman Trust. Follow this link to read the full article as it appeared in the award brochure.

This web site is devoted to changing what it means to be blind through the promotion of the human potential to successfully adjust to and live with blindness and visual impairment. It is meant for the blind, the visually impaired, professionals involved with this population such as vocational rehabilitation counselors or therapists, teachers and educators of the blind and visually impaired, families and friends interested in adjustment to vision loss, all those interested in peer counseling and blindness, individuals looking for blindness related information or guidance or suggestions or materials or adaptive equipment or consumer groups or etc.

Toward this goal, THOUGHT PROVOKER, a web based discussion forum on blindness and visual impairment is presented and available for reading and being responded too.

Additionally featured are short stories highlighting the successful adjustment to blindness through the development of a positive attitude and philosophical foundation, to the acquisition of alternative techniques in order to function independently.

Finally, there are links to other sites that also promote a positive approach to blindness and visual impairment.

If you have any comments or requests, write me at the following address.

Robert Leslie Newman
Author and Moderator
email: Newmanrl@cox.net”
Voice: (402) 556-3216

He posts a lot of interesting scenarios, and I highly recommend his site. The current Thought Provoker is •151 . THE BRAILLE PRINCESS- What is the importance of learning to read as early as a child can? I’m about to go over there and comment myself, as I think learning to read Braille (as well as learning to use a cane/to move around as independently as possible) does a lot to increase the self-esteem and confidence of blind children, which will also help them later in life.

I didn’t start learning Braille until I was 5, and then I had to go through an extra year of schooling called “advanced kindergarten” or “developmental First Grade” to get up to the level where I could start regular First Grade. I’m not sure why this was, though, because it sure wasn’t because I wasn’t smart enough. What I remember was the teacher or teacher’s assistant working with me for a short time, then either leaving me on my own or sending me to play while they went to work with another student. I also remember not learning to use a cane until I was 10, and this was only because we almost moved to another city where I’d probably have to attend public school, thus it was imperative that I have some cane skills. I remember my mother being extremely upset about this as, in her research, she discovered that in some parts of the country, blind kids were learning to use canes pretty much as soon as they could walk. My mother couldn’t understand why supposedly one of the best schools for the blind *snort* in the country wasn’t doing the same, and the best thing we could come up with, based on things we heard about the administration at the time, was that teaching blind kids to use a cane would “make them too independent” and thus “harder to control”. But wasn’t that the point of attending a school for the blind, so that you could learn to be “independent” and successful?

To be fair, though, when a new administration began to take over around my seventh grade year, I noticed that younger and younger kids began to use canes (and perhaps this was because the superintendent at the time had been a former mobility instructor himself).

I also remember my mother wanting me to learn typing skills as well, and this was something the school would absolutely not budge on, they would not start teaching kids to type/”keyboard”, until the seventh grade and that was that. So my mom taught me how to type, at age ten, with my brother having to read the book to me if my mom couldn’t. And it was funny, because when I finally started typing class in the seventh grade, and explained to the typing teacher that I already knew how to type, she said “but you’ve not had proper instruction”, yeah, whatever, no matter that I know where the home row was, how to place my fingers on the keys, etc., to her I’d not had “proper” instruction, because it was something my mom had taught me at home.

Add to this the fact that they continually promised me in high school that I’d “get to go to public school” for at least a couple hours a day, so I could take advanced placement or college credit classes, every year they’d promise me this and every year they’d find some reason not to do this. Perhaps it was because my parents had no influence, or no money, or perhaps it was because I fell in love with a black kid from Gary (that they subsequently and conveniently decided he had too much vision to attend the school even though he’d been there for like a couple months before I met him). Maybe it was residual retaliation or anger against me because of pressing sexual assault charges against a fellow student (when perhaps they’d prefer that I not do such a thing because of the bad light that would potentially be cast on the school). Perhaps it was because of the allegations of bad treatment I made against a houseparent that almost caused my parents to take me out of the school and send me to public school around the fourth or fith grade. To which the school’s response was at one point to pull me out of class, sit me down with my teacher, head of the elementary department, and deen of students, and pretty much tell me that I’d never make it in public school, because it would be too hard for me, ’cause the kids would tease me, and why am I doing this anyway? I’m just making too much trouble over nothing. I’m just making things up. I’m just lying, against someone who supposedly no one else has made these allegations toward before. And how could I do something like this, how could I do such a thing. And btw, we want this to stop! Stop going home and telling your parents lies about her and us! And OK, go on back to class now and don’t talk about this, don’t tell anyone anything about this. We just want the best for you. We don’t want you to suffer out there in the big bad world, who hates you because your blind, or feels sorry for you, or thinks that you can’t do for yourself. We are the ones who want the best for you, etc. It’s one thing to hear sighted people say this, because even at such a young age, I could expect such ignorance from sighted people, even those who supposedly were trained to teach the blind. But from my also blind teacher? This was a complete shock to me! I remember thinking to myself something along the lines of “she’s brainwashed” or “they’ve gotten to her” or something like that. And feeling let down that she wasn’t on my side, tht she wasn’t standing up for me. Because she’d been a heretofore role model for me. But no more. I never looked at her the same after that.

Or the time said houseparent and supervisor pulled me and another fellow student out of bed at night one time, they forced us to tel them everything we’d told our parents about said houseparent. I don’t think they let us go to bed until like 10:30 or so, I just remember it was really late at night, and I was tired, and the rest of the kids were asleep. I remember how scared I was, how both my friend and I were crying, how we could hardly talk! But I remember trying to compose myself, and thinking that I’d tell them everything, because I had nothing to hide, no matter how afraid I was. And also knowing that I’d still go home and tell my parents anyway. And this was the same houseparent who would listen in on my phone conversations to my parents to see if I was “talking about her”, and I knew she was doing it, I could hear her footsteps outside of the houseparent’s office when I’d be on the phone talking to my family, and I only know this because later on she’d call me into her office and tell me that sh’ed been listening so I needed to be careful what I said, because she knew I was talking aobut her, read “lying” about her, and how could I do such a thing when she only wanted the best for me? And she also did this one time when she sent me back to my room one night because she didn’t like the way I’d organized my locker or something, and I was back there talking to myself, because I was upset and angry, and saying to myself what I wanted to say to her but was too afraid to. And I remember hearing her walking back and forth outside of the room door, and it was soft-like, like she was trying to be as quiet as she could, and I remember thinking “who are you fooling? I can hear you, but I’m still going to talk because I have nothing to hide”. And of course, after enough time had passed, she pretended to come walking back into the room, tell me to come to her office, and then she informed me that she had, in fact, as I suspected, been listening to me, but she still wanted me to tell to her face what I was “saying behind her back”. But at the end of that ordeal, it was the same thing, “don’t tell anyone” “don’t be too upset about this, we just want the best for you”. Etc.

If I could only tell you the mixed messages I got from that place, I could write a book! Becuase I had a lot of good experiences there, and in some ways I got a good education, but in other ways, that environment stunted me, made me question myself, caused me to have self-esteem issues and feelings of self-doubt and confusion that I still grapple with, in some form or another, to this day. And I think my parents, or at least my mom anyway, feel cheated because they thought they were sending me to the “ritz Carlton for the Blind” the way they talked to my parents when they came to their house for outreach. Though I now wonder, given what my mom knows now, if she’d have sent me there. But we can’t go back. My parents made the best decision they could for me at the itme, so I don’t hold them responsible. I hold the school responsible, who put their own feelings ahead of the needs of students. Who would talk and gossip openly about other students right in front of you. Who seemed to care more about the security of their jobs than what the parents or students wanted. Who openly had their “favorite” and “not-so-favorite” students. As I said, I could go on and on. So yeah, there was a lot of good, but I’m not going to gloss over the bad like it never happened. Because both the good and the bad of it stays with me till this day.

And so I’ve digressed. Sorry. Enjoy the Thought Provoker, which, I guess, has provoked a lot of thoughts in me lol.

Thought Provoker.

The World of Work

Assalamu alaikum, one of the things that I think I’m starting to realize as a blind person is that sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, maybe I can’t do things as fast as, or maybe as good as, a sighted person can do it. And that’s really a, well, I’d not say “painful” realization, maybe “disappointed” is the right word. Yeah, “disappointed”, that seems to sum it up. See, the thing is, all of my life, the message I always got was that you’ve got to be twice as good at something to even be looked at the same way, or taken as seriously as, a sighted person. Being “just good enough” well, there was no such thing, because being “just good enough” for a blind person was “not good enough” for the sighted world.

I actually remember being told this straight out, in art class during elementary school, that when I was learning to do something, I had to learn to do it “better than” a sighted person, that I had to be “twice as good as” a sighted person to be “just as successful” in the sighted world as said sighted person would be. OK does this make sense? Do you get it? I do, but at the same time, I’ve found this axiom to be extremely frustrating, not to mention setting the bar so high for yourself that you either can’t meet it, don’t want to meet it, or it’s so hard to meet it that by the time you do, you’re so tired, stressed out, etc., that the joy of meeting that goal is all but taken away from you.

Let me try to illustrate in clearer terms what I’m talking about. Generally, I don’t like talking about my job, as well, this is a public blog (excluding the private and protected posts), and the nature of my job gets a little bit more into my personal/private life than I feel comfortable going into, especially because talking about my job inevitably involves talking about other people (and I’m not talking in the gossippy sense), but let’s just suffice it to say that I don’t talk about my job much on this blog, just ’cause I don’t feel comfortable doing so. However, so as to make the point of this post clear, I’ll hash out the details of my job just enough to keep me from getting out of my comfort level.

I work a desk job, spending the vast majority of my time on the phone with clients. I have a certain quota I’m to meet, as well as other performance measures, in order to maintain an acceptable rating and thus be in good standing in my job performance file/evaluation. Now, let’s just say that without going into too much detail, I don’t have anything to worry about in this area, and I’ve no reason to feel that I’ve anything to worry about in the future. Now, that’s what the rational me says, the “emotional” me, the “worrywart me” says/feels/thinks differently. Especially if I feel that many if not most of my coworkers are performing better than me.

See, it’s not that I want to be “the best” just for its own sake, it’s that I’m afraid to be anything less than “the best”. Because I’ve always been told that I have to be “the best”, that “just good enough” wasn’t good enough at all. And while this all made sense in my head, it sounds crazy now that I’ve put it down on paper. But that’s the best way I can describe it.

And the thing is, I’ll probably never be “the best” in my unit, only because there are things that I just simply can’t do as quickly, and thus, as good as, a sighted person. For example, if a sighted person is looking at a screen of information, they can quickly take in that screen of information, get what they need and perform their task. I, on the other hand, can only read information, at most, line by line, or maybe sentence by sentence. And while I have my own ways (the Jaws find command is invaluable, for example), of getting to the info that I need, and have been told by other coworkers that I do just as well as others, no matter my lack of sight, invariably I’m slowed down just by the mere fact that I can’t take in information as fast as a sighted person, and it just doesn’t feel like I’m going as fast as everyone else anyway. Truthfully, I feel like sometimes I work twice as hard, just to get to where I need to be, i.e., I’m working twice as hard “to do just good enough”, and I find it to be very frustrating. Quite frankly, sometimes I have the feeling that I’m just barely keeping my head above water, though I don’t dare admit this to anyone because then this would show that I’m weak, not capable, and I don’t want to complain too much, or be perceived as complaining too much, lest I make my blindness even more obvious than it already is. And any time the performance measures are changed (i.e. made more stringent), even if I’m currently meeting the more stringent criteria anyway, in the back of my mind, I feel a sense of panic, a sense of fear that I won’t succeed, i.e., be able to meet the new standards. I’m afraid that I won’t make it, that I’ll fail, and that I’ll be written off as “just another blind person who couldn’t hack it in the real world”.

And I’m sure that any coworkers reading this would beg to differ with me, they’d probably tell me that I perform well at my job, that I have nothing to worry about, and I’m sure this is true, however, what I’m really trying to explain and get out into the open are some really deep-seated issues that I, as a blind person, have had drummed into my head, that while they were intended to teach me about the “real world”, and to prepare me for said “real world”, that maybe they had a more negative and damaging side effect. The thing is, another latent message I’ve gotten while growing up was the “no matter how good you are, you’re still going to fail”, “and end up running back here to the blind school”, was normally the end of that reframe, or “go running back home to your parents”, if the discussion was about one’s adult life.

And I think that’s the gist of it right there… That I’m afraid to fail, and not only am I afraid to, but that I will, somehow, inevitably, at some point, fail. And while we’re all told that failure is OK, that it’s bound to happen at some point in our lives, at least for me, the message I’ve always gotten was that failure, for a blind person, is never an option, because failure means not that you just fail sometimes, not that you just dust yourself off and try again, no, that you have failed, that it was necessarily because you were blind, or something related to said blindness, and thus you “couldn’t hack it” in the “real”, read “sighted” world.

So no matter how good I am at my job, no matter how well I may perform now or will perform in the future, the fear I have is that somehow I’ll fail. And it’s not just “failing” that’s the problem, it’s the fear of validating every negative stereotype about blindness that anyone could have possibly ever had. That I’ll fail and then people will say “see we shouldn’t have hired her” or “see, we knew she couldn’t hack it”, or something like that. And then that makes me want to work harder to be “better than” everyone else, because I feel I can’t be “just as good as”, and then I get tired, stressed out, afraid that I’ll fail, and afraid to say any of this out loud, because then it will show that I really “can’t hack it”, that I’m not capable, no matter how much the numbers and the stats may say otherwise.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I crazy? Do I need professional help? Am I “messed up” as they say? Do I “have issues”? Have I opened myself up to scorn and ridicule just for opening up and saying all of this publicly? Is there something wrong with me?

The thing is, my fears of failure aside, I’m proud, though not prideful, and I think there is a difference, of the fact that I can stack up as well as my sighted counterparts, and just based on the raw data, I’m sure I have nothing to worry about. However, I think I’m dealing with a lot of “stuff” that was drilled into my head from early childhood, that may or may not be necessarily true, and while said messages may have been intended to spur me to work harder, to be successful, in a world where the majority of people did not, and do not expect me to be successful, as I said before, said messages have had the negative side affect of making me fearful at times, of losing the success said messages were intended to teach me to prepare and work hard for in the first place. And a part of me is angry about that, because as I’m thinking about it, it normally wasn’t blind people who were giving me those messages, but sighted ones. And it occurs to me that I wonder if they, in supposedly trying to teach me to succeed, were in actuality setting me up to fail, so as to fulfill their own prophecies about me and blind people in general? “You’ll just sit at home and collect SSI” was a common reframe I heard from teachers, staff, etc., at school. And it was said scoffingly, like “no matter that you’re hear learning, it’s just a waste of time anyway, because you’re just going to end up graduating and getting ssi anyway”.

And so when I graduated school and went to college, I wanted to work, not only because that was what I wanted, but to also prove all of the naysayers wrong, that I did more than just “sit at home and collect SSI”. It took me 11 years after graduation to visit my high school again, because I was too ashamed to go back without something to show for it. I didn’t want to go back and say, when asked, “no I’m not working”, and thus be saying in essence, “yes I’ve failed”. “yep, I did exactly what ya’ll expected of me in the first place”, i.e., that I’m just sitting at home and collecting that check. No matter that I’m not “just sitting at home and collecting that check”.

The thing is, surely, there’s a better way to teach blind children that, while the rest of the world may not think so, that “you”, whoever that “you” is, thinks they will be successful, whatever that “success” entails. Because it’s terrible to outright tell a child, or even imply to a child, that you don’t think they’re going to succeed, just because your preconceived notions of them tell you that they won’t succeed. Because that can have negative impacts on them throughout the rest of their lives, as it has with me.

Why Does It Bother You?

Assalamu alaikum, this is clearly in the “why does this bother you” department, and I’m trying to figure out why. I’ve recently come across some former schoolmates of mine on Facebook, and when I click on the “Info” tab, and look at what school(s) they’ve attended (if they’ve actually filled this part of the profile out), many of them, although I clearly remember going to school with them, don’t remember them going to any other school (unless it was to take classes for half a day), and even remember being at some of their graduations, don’t even list that they attended the school for the blind, but will list some other school instead. And my first reaction was to be indignant about it, sorta like the way I feel about visually impaired people who don’t mind being just blind enough to get the SSI check every month, but who have the driver’s license, refuse to use a cane (whether or not they need it), or will otherwise do anything but admit that they are the dreaded “blind” word. It’s the “being blind when it suits you” that bothers me, the “wearing of the mask” when it suits you, when you can get something out of it, yet throwing it off when you don’t want to associate with those of us who can’t pretend to be anything else.

I tried to explain all of this to my husband once, the indignation, the resentment, the bordering on anger, though my emotions don’t quite go that far, and his response is “why does it bother you?? He just plain didn’t get it. Because I don’t have a choice in the matter. I’m “blind” whether I want to be or not, and there’s no pretending, no getting away from it. I don’t have enough vision to pretend to be sighted, yet walk into the social security office for my case review and try to justify how “blind” I am so I can continue to receive the check every month. And then walk over to the license branch and try to justify how “sighted” I am, and that I deserve the driver’s license, even if it is a restricted one.

And some of these people, though certainly not all, were the same ones who treated most of the totals (those with little or no vision) like crap, it’s like the “high partials” didn’t want to have anything to do with us. Maybe this wasn’t the case with the boys, but I can definitely say it was for the girls. I have one of meny really, memories of disembarking from a bus at some track meet or other school outing, and having those who had enough vision running from the bus as fast as they could, leaving the rest of us who were either very low vision or total to pretty much fend for ourselves. The adults among us had to yell for them to come back, or if they didn’t or couldn’t for some reason, the ones who really didn’t have the ability to, ended up doing the best they could to help the rest of us who clearly didn’t know where we were going.

And sometimes I would outright hear people say they were ashamed to be blind, ashamed to say that they attended the school for the blind, that they would never be caught dead telling a sighted person that they had any kind of vision problem, much less admit that they went to the blind school (this usually involved a girl talking about finding a date for the weekend or going out to a local teen dance club), I remember secretly wishing that said ashamed person would end up making a fool of themselves and run into a pole or something. I actually remember watching a girl once, when we were at the mall, talking to a guy she met there, and when he asked her what school she went to, she flat-out lied about it, saying she went to a local high school in the area, instead of where she actually attended. When I asked her after the guy had gone why she lied about it, she said “I’m not going to tell him that I go to the blind school, he won’t talk to me then if I do”, or something like that. And I said, well, once he finds out the truth, if he does, then he probably won’t talk to you anyway, and why would you want to talk to a guy you have to lie about who you are to anyway.

Perhaps if I was partially sighted and could get away with all of this, maybe I’d do the same thing. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t, I’d like to think that I’d be different. But maybe I wouldn’t, and the point is, I’m not. I’m totally blind, only having light perception when I was in school and now having no vision at all.

And I’m still trying to figure out why this sorta thing bothers me, except for the emotional stuff, the being resentful, etc., it really doesn’t affect me, and I’ve been fairly successful despite my lack of sight. And really, if one can get a check for being completely disabled, and a driver’s license, assuming their vsion is good enough, why not? As I mentioned before, I’d probably have done the same thing. So I’m not saying that people shouldn’t get what they’re entitled to get. However, well, I can’t quite put my finger on it, except to say that I’d not mind it so much, it’d not bother me so much, if those of us who are so blind we can’t fake it, would not have been treated so badly by some of these same people.

And no I’m not saying that all partials act in this way, and I’m not saying that no totals are not ashamed to be blind. I’m just saying that from what I’ve seen, the more sight one tends to have, the more they will try to act and be sighted, and of course, the less vision you have, the less you can get away with this sorta thing, unless you want to make a fool of yourself.

The thing is, I’ve never been ashamed to be blind, and I’ve never been ashamed to admit where I went to school. It is what it is, and if people (sighted people especially) don’t like it, or it makes them uncomfortable, well, that’s their problem.
Perhaps it was the way I was raised, as my parents pretty much treated me like a normal child, and blindness, in my situation, wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened to me, as my mom told me many times. I was a premi, and my blindness was a result of being given oxygen which ended up saving my life, so blindness was the lesser of two evils, or really, many evils, as I could have ended up with other more severe problems. Adding to this is the fact that I really feel that God doesn’t make mistakes, He puts people on this earth, in the shape, form, and fashion He desires, for a reason, even though for me anyway, I’ve not figured out that “reason” and probably never will. Perhaps if I’d been raised to believe that blindness was a curse, something to hate, to loathe, to fear, etc., perhaps I’d feel differently about it, but I wasn’t and I don’t. I can’t say for sure that if they came up with that bionic eye I was reading about yesterday, that would bring my sight back, that I’d say for sure that I’d get it. Because I’m happy with the way I am, and perhaps if I got said device, I’d be just like the partials I’m railing against now, using said device, say, when I dropped something I couldn’t find, yet taking it off when I tired of using it.

So that brings me back to where I started, what actually bothers me about visually impaired people trying to be and act sighted? Maybe it’s not the being and acting that’s the problem, but the snubbing of the rest of us lowly blind people who don’t have this option, in the process of “being and acting”, because God forbid that you’d want to associate with “the rest of us”. Because then you’d have to admit that you were one of us after all. But that still doesn’t quite explain it, or at least, my words aren’t doing my feelings justice.

Maybe it’s the painful memories of childhood, of being left behind as I described before, of being in gym class during a volleyball game, being relegated to the back, while the other students with better vision played in the front, and me (and other totals) standing around like fools, trying to be as involved in the game as we could yet knowing and feeling very keenly that we were just in the way. It was the trying to be a cheerleader, trying out and making the team, yet still being made merely an alternate in the end because it was easier to teach a partial the intricate steps and mounts and other aspects of the cheerleading routine, yet being accused of being a quitter and being convinced to stay on the team merely out of guilt, when I threatened to quit because I really wasn’t of any use to anyone, and actually was being ignored during the majority of cheerleading practice (well I and another friend of mine). The year I was on the team, the only total I remember actually being an active member of the team was a girl who happened to be light enough to lift on the mounts, thus, she was useful, and I was told, more graceful than I was.

Basically, the message I got was that I was in the way, I was useless, and it was too much trouble to teach me something, if a partial could be taught more quickly and easily. You can tell me I’m wrong, I’m sure that someone will point to me hundreds of examples of where I’m wrong, and that’s OK, however, this was the message I got, and I think this is where the resentment stems from. It was the not being good enough, the being passed over for something “better”, the not having a choice to be anything else, while watching others move in and out of blindness like it was a garment they could take off and put on whenever and wherever they wanted. Yet at the same time, treating those of us with little or no vision like crap! And that’s, I think, the heart of it.

Article on Blindness Research from the New York Times

from the NYT

My husband told me about this article, very interesting, though not sure if it would help those of us who’ve been blind all of our lives or with conditions like retinopathy of prematurity, which is my primary eye condition.

I’m Feeling Sorry for Myself and I Don’t Like It!

Ahhh yeah, I’ve got the “oh poor blind Ginny” complex going on again. And I’m not sure how to explain what I mean exactly to anyone but, well, me…

But it pretty much kinda sorta (as best as I can explain it ’cause I’m still trying to understand it myself) works like this… Something bad happened that I didn’t know about or found out about much later, or someone took advantage of me or discriminated against me or whatever, but in my mind (whether it actually does or not) it involves the fact that I’m blind or “out of the loop” because of that, and if I wasn’t blind, this would not have happened to me. I’ve even gone so far sometimes, to have the fleeting thought that if I were sighted, then things would be so much better lol. Strange and crazy thinking I know…

And it’s funny because in the past few days, weeks, months, that I’ve been trying to figure out “what’s wrong with me” so I could actually try to do something about it, as I thought about it, my propensity for self-pity and self-absorption became clear to me. And I think the recent conversations regarding white privilege had something to do with it too. Because I came to see that even though I might have it bad, there are always those who are worse off than I am. And really, I don’t have it so bad at all!

And I think the recent Shaykh Nuh controversy, to which I referred below, illustrates this propensity of mine to feel sorry for myself, beautifully! Because obviously, I’m not the only person who was hurt or taken advantage of, though the way I write and talk about it, you’d think that I was hurt most of all. Astaghfirullah!

I don’t want to discount my own feelings on the issue, however, I don’t want to put my feelings above others who suffered way far more than I ever could even think about.

And as I said, I’m still trying to work through a lot of things, not necessarily that any of that is a bad thing. And now that I’ve written this, I feel silly for writing publicly like this. I feel like I’m going to be laughed at sneered at, mocked, but I still, for some inexplicable reason, feel the need to share this part of myself with someone. And Inshallah, I can use this to move forward and not do like I usually do and move forward, get tired and stop and/or move back, only to start moving forward again.

Along with my issue with self-pity, I am not very good at will power and self-discipline either. The amount of Pepsis I drink on a daily basis even though I say I’m going to cut back is a testament to this fact.

But I’m trying, I really am.

And on that note, the doggy must go out and it’s time for Isha, so good night all and take care.

BrainPort Vision

BrainPort Vision

The above link has a video demonstrating this product, and I must say, I’m extremely interested! I’d love to check it out! And that’s about all I can say at this point.

Google Reader Seemingly Increasingly Not Accessible

Assalamu alaikum / greetings,
I think it started when they started inserting ads right in the middle of the blog posts or that’s what it seems like they’re doing, because I’m finding ads there that weren’t there before (which I really hate because then I have to keep arrowing down to find the rest of the story or to check to see whether or not I’ve gotten to the end of the post or not). Now, my “share” button won’t work. When I try to click on it, I get pushed down to the next post. And this isn’t to talk of the fact that Google Reader keeps refreshing itself and jumps me back up to the top of my blog posts, or otherwise above what I’m currently reading, and then I have to find my place again. And that’s really bothersome, not to mention time consuming. Thanks Google, for not thinking about us blind/disabled consumers in your rush to profit from or “improve” your product. Now, I’m looking for a “more accessible” blog/rss reader, and preferrably one I could sync between my computer and mobile phone. Is there anything out there like that?

Writing for Public Consumption and Other Thoughts

Assalamu alaikum, another reason why I decided to set the default security setting on my blog to private is because some of my writing just isn’t for public consumption, and if I want my words to be viewable publicly, then I should put the time and effort required in making my posts worthy of such a thing.

I have not always felt this way. In the past, I’ve had the feeling that I’m not a professional writer, thus if my posts weren’t clear, if words were misspelled, if there were many typos, etc., then who cares, ’cause everyone knows I’m not a professional writer, so it’s no big deal. However, the messiness and lack of clarity in my posts has been bothering me for some munths.

I also wanted to clarify that although I’m withdrawing from certain online communities, for my own emotional and spiritual well-being, it doesn’t mean that I’ve completely lost interest, it doesn’t mean that I care any less. It just means that I’m not sure where my place is, publicly anyway, within these communities.

I am a Muslim, but I don’t fit into the “mainstream” of the Muslim community, my blindness and use of a dog guide pretty much ensures that. And that really used to bother me. Because when I first became a Muslim, I wanted to be part of the community of Muslims, I wanted to get out there, to learn more, do more. But where does a newly-converted, blind, single Muslim sister fit in, when she doesn’t want to give up her dog, because she’s not so sure about the whole “losing rewards thing”, I mean, how can keeping a dog be OK on one hand, but you still lose so much of a reward on the other for doing it? I mean, it’s either OK to have a dog or it isn’t. And I feel like the whole dog thing, well, that sort of a “it’s OK to, but … ” opinion is just a way of talking out of both sides of your mouth, depending on who you’re talking to. And it’s not just the dog thing, it’s terrorism, domestic violence, or any myriad of issues I’ve seen discussed by Muslims. The “it’s OK but”, or the “it’s not right but”, then followed up by some sorta justification for why a woman was beaten (or worse killed) for example, why a blind Muslim shouldn’t be allowed to use the mobility aid of their choice (and I’ve learned that you can’t even discuss the use of a dog guide on “blind Muslim” groups either, and naively, I was quite shocked and disheartened at the treatment I got for defending my choice to use a dog, hence I rarely post on that group anymore), or “terrorism isn’t right, but look what they’re doing to us”. Yeah, like that makes it OK. I mean, either something is wrong or it isn’t. Why do we always have to have caveats? And I’m sure that these thoughts will probably generate the kind of controversy that I’m trying to avoid. And of course, “if we just lived Islam”, etc., everything would be great and wonderful, but ya know what? We are human beings, Muslims, but human beings nonetheless, replete with all of the failings and flaws that come with that. So yes, we have Islam, which is supposed to do away with things like racism, abuse, etc., but unfortunately it doesn’t, because people in many cases only choose to live it when it suits them, and I am certain I’m among this group.

Anyway, I’ve completely digressed. But as I was saying… Where does a blind, single, Muslim sister fit in when she wants to continue to use a dog and she doesn’t want to rush to get married to the first person who walks up and offers. And who doesn’t want to just follow someone just ’cause they say they’re knowledgeable or a scholar? And who is still an American and who’s not trying to be an Arab, African, or South Asian, or whatever “culture” is deemed “Islamic”?

And the answer is, as far as the question of “where I fit in” goes, “nowhere”. And that used to really bother me, and I know I’ve probably spent hours blogging about it, and if not blogging about it, at least worrying about it and pondering over it in my head. And maybe part of the reason why I don’t spend time worrying about these sorts of things anymore is that I have gotten re-married, and I’ve sorta built a kind of sanctuary around myself, with my husband, and friends that I’ve cultivated offline relationships with. But even if I were still single, I’d like to think that I’ve come to a point in my life where I could learn to be content with what Allah has blessed me with and what He’s provided for me.

Regarding the online Gambian community, I really don’t know what to say here, because many of my opinions thus far have come across as bitter, judgmental, racist/prejudiced, or angry, or some other kind of negative emotion. Let me just say that I meant well, when expressing many of my opinions, however, perhaps I was too pushy, too forceful, too something, that didn’t sit well with the majority of the people who bothered to speak up and let their voices be heard. It’s not that I no longer care about Gambian issues, and my Google Reader’s shared items will bare this out, it’s just that I no longer feel comfortable making my opinions public, not even the obvious “Jammeh’s really crazy” kinda opinions.

I used to feel a sense of bitterness and anger at the fact that my opinions were OK when they supported one political opinion/ideology, or no particular opinion/ideology, but when I actually strongly supported “one side” as it were, which happened to be the side that the vocal majority did not agree with, the claws came out, and I still have the awful emails to prove it. However, that wasn’t my point. The bitterness is gone because I’ve had time to reflect on how my own words and actions, my own disposition, could have contributed to the reactions that I got out of people. Simply put, while “they” may have been wrong, I may have been wrong too. And while I used to get upset that other non-Gambians were seemingly getting better treatment, because their opinions fell on the “correct” side of what the majority of the vocal participants agreed with, looking back on that, all I can say is that I can’t answer or speak for or try to correct others, all I can do is concentrate on making myself a better person. And the thing is, even if I wanted to publicly step back into the fray, as it were, I really feel that I’ve burned all of my bridges. I’ve been forceful one too many times, said one too many things that I shouldn’t have said, and I’m just plain not ready for the barbs and criticism that comes with public commentary.

It seems that the best I can do is watch from the sidelines, on all counts, and so far, that has made my life a lot less stressful. And I think this is something that I’ve known for a long time, I was just too, I don’t know, self-righteous, arrogant, wanted the attention, I don’t know, to not only realize all of this but to follow it through, and not coming running back to public comment after a few people massaged my ego and told me how great and wonderful I was, and that I should continue to speak out.

The thing is, I don’t do well around negative people, who only want to criticize and hurt others and tear others down, and I don’t care who you’re talking about, whether it’s certain online communities or groups of people, or the Conservative radio blowhards. I don’t do well around ugly negativity, it is not good for me to be around people who are so quick to label, call names, castigate you, etc., simply because we don’t agree.

And I’ve been in many a discussion, the most recent I can think of being a discussion which stemmed from a comment I made, that sometimes I miss being around blind people, or that sometimes I only want to be around blind people. And somehow this was taken to mean that I couldn’t deal with the sighted world, which was funny to me because I’ve been dealing with the “sighted world” pretty much since I graduated from the Indiana School for the Blind (and now Visually impaired which is a whole other controversy in and of itself, depending on who you talk to). And funny that this sentiment was expressed by people who were so adamant that “most of their lives, they hardly if ever had contact with blind people”, and these were themselves blind people, as if I’m somehow lacking, because I went to a school for the blind, and spent a good chunk of my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood with blind people. It was like I was “less than” they were because I dared to say that I don’t always want to be around sighted people, and that by that statement, I was stereotyping all sighted people as ignorant, etc., and sorry to say this, but many of them are! And I’m sorry if I don’t give them a pass, and say “oh they’re just trying to be nice” or “they’re just trying to help”, every time they do or say something that is lacking in education of what the blind can do and are capable of. I mean, my goodness, my husband is sighted, my family are sighted, I have sighted coworkers, so the fact that I can’t “deal” with the sighted world, just ’cause I mention the desire to hang out around blind people is just laughable on so many levels. And oh yeah, another common response to daring to express the desire to hang out around other blind people is “well, I’ve not hung around a lot of blind people, but I don’t want to ’cause a lot of blind people, especially those who went to “institutional schools” (whatever those are) are weird anyway, and you can just tell that they’re “different”, and they just don’t know how to get on in the rest of the world”. And all I can say is and excuse the “french” but “what the f**k ever”!

I mean really… I’ve never heard so much self-hatred as I heard from the “we’ve never hung around “those blind people” crowd. The “well if blind people would just get off their asses and stop waiting on someone to hand them something”, or the “most blind people just want to sit at home and collect a check”, etc. and this was in response to my actually daring to express my frustration at spending too years looking for a job, and then briefly deciding that if the majority of the sighted world didn’t think that blind people were capable of working, and that if all we were good for was collecting a check and watching Jerry Springer, then collecting a check and watching Jerry Springer would be what I’d do. And the fact that this sentiment lasted about as long as it took for me to get out of my wet and snowy clothes, have a hot shower, and get into some warm and dry things again was lost on these people. Nope! All they saw was a blind-school educated SSI-getting (who’s now working by the way but I guess they forgot about that too), person who just wanted to sit home and collect a check and who really didn’t want to get out and find a job anyway. It’s bad enough to see this in sighted people, I mean I expect this, sadly, but to hear blind people talk like this? I find it shocking every time I hear it. But as heated as some of these discussions have gotten, and I’ve been in more than one of them, if my memory serves me right, eventually we were able to at least try to understand the other’s point of view, or at least if not, to realize when it was time to take a step back from the issue, and just agree to disagree and move on.

And I’ll try to tie my disparate thoughts together by saying this. I am a blind woman, who went to a school for the blind, who learned a lot there, and probably had better training in “blindness skills” than you’d probably ever get in a public school setting, in most cases. I always knew I’d go to college, I always knew I’d find a job and be gainfully employed, I never thought that I’d spend my life collecting any kind of public assistance, though if I did, I could deal with that. Later in life I became a Muslim. I do my best to try to be the best Muslim I can be, but I falter sometimes, and sometimes in very spectacular and public fashion.

And I traveled to The Gambia, in West Africa, which I really feel that Allah allowed for me because if it wasn’t for this trip, I’d never have been guided to Islam in the first place, though Allah alone knows best. It was the actions of The Gambian people, their peaceful nature, how people from disparate tribes and religions were able to live side by side, and do so peacefully, how this among so many other things helped to dispel the negative stereotypes about Islam that I, and I hate to admit this, had previously had. It truly breaks my heart to see what Yahya Jammeh is doing to that country, and it’s even more sickening to me that so-called Muslim leaders there would bestow the title of “shaykh” upon him.

I saw my involvement in the struggle to restore democracy and the rule of law in The Gambia as a way of trying to help the people who, without knowing, had done so much to help me. And while this sounds good as I’m writing this, I also see how this could come across as patronizing and arrogant. It has even been suggested online that my words and my “incorrigible stance” have actually harmed the struggle for a united opposition. I’m not sure I really believe this, however, if even the perception of this is out there, then perhaps it’s best for me to remain on the sidelines.

I just want to avoid drama, avoid controversy, as I said before, and to try harder to think before I speak, and to not come across as such an arrogant know-it-all, as I feel that I tend to do sometimes.

Copperas Cove Leader-Press – Dog Fight

Assalamu alaikum,

On Thursday, May 7, after picking up Rusty from the dog groomers, Ballou and Rusty along with her daughter and two grandchildren went to Taco Bell. The family placed their order, picked up their food and was about to eat when Cynthia, a night manager, approached their table and asked, “Is that a Seeing Eye,” Ballou recalled.
“No, he’s a guide dog, a Leader Dog,” Ballou said to correct the manager.
Ballou said not all guide dogs are Seeing Eye’s. It depends on what school they go to and her dog went to the Leader Dog school.
“It’s like calling an A&M student a Longhorn,” she said. “I was trying to educate her that there are more kinds of guide dogs, not just Seeing Eye. But she had no part of it.”
The manager told Ballou the health department would shut them down if they saw the dog in the restaurant and then asked for identification for the dog as a guide dog.
Ballou showed her the special harness Rusty wears identifying him as a Leader Dog and stood her ground as she began to feel harassed.
The manager said she was going to call the cops and Ballou said, “Go ahead, save me the call.”
Six Copperas Cove police officers in three patrol cars arrived on the scene.
When the police arrived, Ballou said they did not identify themselves and the first officer, whose name she was never given, told her “Lady, you and the dog have to get out.”
She told the officer Rusty is a service dog and Texas law allows him to be with her. She showed him a law book she carries with her with all the state and federal laws for the blind across the country, but said the officer would not look at it.
She told the officer she just moved to Copperas Cove and said she can’t believe they don’t know what the law is. She said the officer told her “Welcome to Copperas Cove, if you don’t like our laws, leave.”
She said the same officer told her, “You don’t look blind” because she was looking at him while he spoke to her. She said it is common courtesy in the visual world to look at someone when they speak to you and you don’t have to be sighted to do so.
A second officer on scene Cpl. Shane Kieltyka did read her law book, she said, because she believes he understood she was trying to diffuse the situation.

Copperas Cove Leader-Press – Dog Fight

The thing is, while I sometimes feel the need to “educate” when people call my dog a “guide dog” or “seeing eye dog”, sometimes it’s just not the right moment to “educate”, because you know what the person is asking. By saying “no my dog is a Leader Dog”, that just started the conversation off on the wrong foot to begin with. Not that any of this behavior by the manager or police, is excusable in the least but… Another thing I wondered was why she only showed them the harness, why not the ID cad? This came up on the ACB-l list, to which someone asserted that “Leader Dog doesn’t issue ID cards”, which is not true, I am using my second dog and they have issued ID cards for both of my dogs and I carry mine with me along with my work ID and state of Florida ID cards.

I tend to get a bit sensitive when people who’ve not gone to a particular dog guide school make assertions about said school such as “such-and-such school doesn’t do traffic checks”, etc., and then you talk to someone who’s actually gotten a dog from that school and find that what you heard about said school was not correct.

And Leader tends to get a lot of negative comments from other blind people, such as “they produce bad dogs” or “they give dogs to people they shouldn’t”, etc. or “I heard that” (insert whatever “bad” thing you want here), usually along the lines of not training the dogs properly, giving out unsuitable dogs, etc.

The thing is, there is a reason why there are 8, at last I checked, schools to train dogs to assist the blind in this country. And while the training methods are quite similar, each school does things slightly differently and thus some schools will appeal to some but not to others. If some schools were truly as “bad” as some make them out to be, then I’d think they’d not have students coming to them, some multiple times, to get dogs, their donations and other funding would probably dry up, and they’d not be successful. The thing is, just as I don’t engage in the “screen reader wars” that some people like to engage in, I don’t engage in the “dog guide wars” either. There is a reason why we have many different screen readers in the market, just as there’s a reason why we have many different schools from which to choose if we’re interested in getting a dog.

Anyway, to get back to the original subject of this article, my first reaction was to think “well that’s Texas what do you expect?”, and I know this is not a good thing to think or say. And I really hope this woman gets some kinda justice even if she picked the wrong time to “educate”, the truth is, she was refused service under the wrong assumption that a “leader dog” wasn’t a true service dog but a “seeing eye” dog was. And some of the cops’ comments were just really uncalled-for. I’d have been upset, to say the least, if it’d have been me. And I’ve been refused service many times by restaurants and just didn’t see it worth pursuing. I just made it a point never to eat there again and to tell others not to either.

One incident that sticks in my mind particular, was the very patronizing guy at a Giordano’s Pizza, I think it was on Randolph Street in Chicago, and I’d just moved up to East Chicago, Indiana. I’d gone intoChicago for a job interview, and had finished and wanted to grab some lunch before catching the train and heading home. My roommate had come with me and we were trying to decide whether or not we wanted McDonald’s or something lese, and we saw a Giordanos pizza, and we decided to eat there, but as we started into the restaurant, a man stopped us at the door, and politely told me that though I had a really nice dog, that he couldn’t let us in the store. I was too shocked to say anything, and angry too. And hungry… So I just said OK, he wasn’t worth my business anyway, or anyone else’s I knew, and turned around and walked out.

I probably should have filed some kinda complaint, but I was cold and tired and hungry and it just wasn’t worth it. Besides, I’d been refused service at the small restaurant that was at the Gary bus station, and though my complaint was taken down, I’m not sure whatever came of that. And what would you get as compensation anyway, a free pizza? I just decided that little things like that aren’t worth fighting for.

The thing is, discrimination against dog guide users is a very real thing, and it’s not just us “bad Muslims” doing it either. I’m almost sure that at some point, probably when I least expect it, Chloe and I’ll be discriminated against. And it won’t be by some Muslim cabbie who considers us to be unclean. It’ll probably be by someone, much like these people in Texas, who have decided that, for whatever reason, my dog isn’t allowed to accompany me to wherever it is I’m trying to go.

Hesitant Thoughts on White Privilege

Assalamu alaikum, I was initially going to do a voice post, because I was too lazy to write. Well, after doing about 5 (or was it 6?) or so rambling, what I deemed to be incoherent posts, I decided that I’d do a written post anyway. Anyway, my initial thesis was that while I’m a white person, and thus have experienced white privilege, whether I wanted it or not, whether I asked for it or not, that having white privilege can have a fluidity depending on the situation that you are in. Examples I gave were access to employment, education, and socioeconomic advancement that, had I been sighted, I’d have had more access to. However, a comment via Yusuf’s blog caused the figurative “ehhhh!” buzzer to go off in my head, and all of the arguments I was going to present, to further my point all seem hopelessly filled with the “white privilege” that I say I don’t have.

One statement/example that stuck out for me via the Resist Racism blog was: “14. I’m a person of color myself and …

variant a. I’m white, but I’m a member of a minority group and have faced discrimination …”

Oops, well, there went my whole argument. Although I’m trying to find the “privilege” in having the police called on me because I got lost, or being outright told that I wasn’t going to be hired for a job because I had a dog, or because I was blind, etc. So yes, I’m blind, and I’m white and a woman, etc., and I have been discriminated against, and while I by no means want to use that as an excuse to negate any white privilege I have, or to discount the fact that racism does indeed exist, well… It seems that perhaps I’m doing the very thing that I don’t want to do, i.e., the “white privilege” seems to be spewing forth from me in ways that I do not always realize. However, getting the idea that your discrimination/prejudice is worse than mine is a bit angering. And maybe as a white blind person I’m not allowed to say that. I suppose the next time a neighbor calls the police because I simply got lost, or the next time I’m denied access to an establishment because of my dog, or the next time a crime is committed against me (God forbid) and the perpetrator is found not guilty not because I didn’t know who he was or couldn’t identify him, but simply because I couldn’t identify him by sight, the “dominant” and “preferred” way of identifying your attacker (because that’s what he was in my case), I’ll be grateful because Gosh darn it, I’m white and I have white privilege, so I guess I should just get over myself already. Or… The next time airport security decides to select me for “special screening”, I’ll not mind the humiliation of having my person searched, wanded, patted down, etc. Not only because I’m a “Muslim” and doing so makes the non-Muslim among us feel safer, but, oh, yeah, I’m white, and if I wanted to, I could just rip off the hijab and other “Islamic” atire, and walk through the same airport tomorrow in a halter top, low rise jeans, and stoletto heels.

As a blind white Muslim, I just plain give up in trying to understand how I’m supposed to navigate the complex world of race, disability and religion, because no matter what I do or say, it’s always going to be viewed through the fact that I’m white, and thus everything else is seemingly minimized and seen as an attempt by me to gain some kinda street cred with POC, because “hey I’ve been discriminated just like you”, when that wasn’t even my intention, and I wouldn’t even try to say as much! Because the fact that I had to testify in a court of law to being sexually assaulted, or the fact that I had to give a detailed deposition regarding employment discrimination, or the fact that there are certain websites that are not accessible to me has nothing to do with race, and is a completely different type of discrimination altogether. Yes, I experience white privilege, and I’m sure I do so in ways I don’t realize. However, I don’t think other forms of discrimination should be passed off as nothing, though at the same time, I don’t think that they should be held up as ways that whites “understand” people of color. I’d not go so far as to say that. Because I’ll tell you right now that sighted people will never understand what it’s like to be blind. So as a white person, I can’t tell you what it’s like to be black, or anything else for that matter. All I can tell you is what it’s like to be a blind white Muslim who benefits from white privilege but doesn’t always understand how. And I’m struggling with that. This whole race thing is hard for me to understand, I’m white but I don’t know what that means, only what society tells me it means. I’m supposed to have some kinda privilege, I’m supposed to be on the upper echelons of my society but I don’t feel like it most of the time. Most of the time I feel less than, second best, not as good as. I’m made to feel that I have to work twice as hard, go twice as far, do twice as much. But oh, I’m white, so I’m supposed to have some kind of privilege. And maybe I do, it’s just hard for me to realize what or where that privilege lies.

Maybe it was the privilege of not being more prone to being labeled a trouble maker at school, or being “tracked” and thus deemed not college material, or not smart enough for “normal” classes. Maybe it was the assumption that I’d go to college, while other students were assumed to only be capable of doing vocational work. Maybe within the blindness community and the associated blindness field involved with the teaching/rehabilitation of the blind white privilege is alive and well and at work. However, when you get out into the wider society, that “privilege”, in my experience, goes away. Maybe if I knew what “whiteness” looked like, if I knew what white people looked like, could actually see with my own eyes how “white” is heled up as the standard for all things good, and for all things to aspire to, maybe then I’d finally get it. But for me, “color”, in any shape or form, is just an abstract concept to me, something that I think I understand, but can’t quite grasp, though I’m trying my best to understand.

As Safiya stated in her blog post, it’s a really thorny issue and perhaps I, while still having a knapsack to unpack, may just have a different bag to unpack than most other people. And I don’t care to share the contents of that knapsack with anyone, or to let them see what’s in it. I’m sure many have seen enough to formulate whatever opinions they have about me. And I’m not sure what else to say. There’s a lot more I could share but I’m already feeling vulnerable and on edge about this as it is. And this isn’t the type of struggle that I’d like to engage in online, in the open, for all to see. I will say that in addition to whatever white privilege I possess, I can tell you that I’m oversensitive, emotional, impatient, have self-esteem issues, sometimes have a lack of will power and self-discipline, have a penchant for self-pity that I will be honest with you and say that I’m currently struggling with as I’m writing this, sometimes take things too seriously, sometimes don’t have a sense of humor, and if Pepsi were an alcoholic beverage and chocolate were an intoxicating drug, I’d be in real trouble. What I’m trying to say is that darn it, I’ve got issues! And a lot of ‘em… And I’m working on it, really I am… I’m just not sure I wanna do it on a public blog, in front of everyone, for anyone to critique. And just to bring this back on topic, the fact that I have a hard time seeing how I benefit from white privilege probably goes more to show how I benefit from said privilege than anything else I could say or write. And no, I don’t want any pats on the back for being “the other”, as a matter of fact, I think I just wanna be left alone, to try to deal with these issues on my own. In fact, the idea crossed my mind to back out of this carnival, however, I’d already said I’d do it, so I didn’t want to back out now. But the thing is, everything I wanted to say, how I have always felt like “the other”, by virtue of being blind, and that I never felt a loss of privilege on becoming a Muslim because I never felt as though I had it to begin with, and in fact, being totally blind, seems to have lowered my status, because in my experience, having a disability is a defect, something to be corrected, something “bad”. And that no amount of white privilege is going to erase the stigma of being blind (something that a study I saw once stated that the majority of people feared worse than death, and that they’d rather die than to be blind). It all seems rather mute now, based on the reading I’ve been doing and the recent reactions by some to this line of thought.

I’m just not sure I agree with the implicit idea I’ve been seing that being white would just magicly wash any other issues away, such as say, accessibility, or disability discrimination, or access to jobs, etc. Oh if it were so easy and simple, however, I have found that dealing with multiple minority statuses, whether or not you “choose” them or not, is neither simple or easy.

I’m not sure if this made any sense, it probably didn’t. The thing is, I have a lot of thoughts flying around in my head, and as I said, I think this is one of many things best kept to myself. I just wish that I’d have realized this before agreeing to participate in the blog carnival. Because I don’t think I had anything to add, and upon re-reading Brooke’s post, I’m not sure that I was going in the direction she’d intended. So on that note, I’m going to leave things as they are. And try to deal with these issues offline/privately.

Thoughts on My New Phone

Assalamu alaikum, just pontificating on my new phone: The Samsung Blackjack II. And btw, the link to the Mark Taylor CandleShore Blog is http://mark.candleshoreblog.com, and I’ve found this blog to be a very informative and entertaining read, not to mention indispensible, in trying to learn how to use this phone.

Thoughts on the Death of Sheldon Scott – a blind man who fell to his death in an elevator shaft

Leader Dogs trains puppies for special service – Quad Cities Online

Leader Dogs trains puppies for special service – Quad Cities Online

Just starting out on his journey to being a Leader Dog is Julie Hogenson’s 13-week-old golden retriever Belle. They got paired up six weeks ago, but Ms. Hogenson said a good breed stock family will start training the dog for service from Day 1.

Julie was Chloe’s puppy raiser, and Chloe was her first puppy…

Goalball in Hijab?

Assalamu alaikum, I’m still trying to see about playing goalball. I.e., is there anyone playing around here, how do I get my foot in the door, can I just play for fun, or do I have a chance in actually competing, should I have started this when I was younger, etc. And then I thought, could I play in hijab, do they have rules regarding dress? the International Blind Sports Association is the body who oversees goalball competitions for international (obviously, lol) events, and the USABA (United States Association of Blind Athletes) website has the rules but I didn’t look at them yet. Hmmm… I’d not see where hijab would be a problem… When I played goalball before, I had some football pants (because of the hip pads), and I can’t remember if I wore shorts, but I don’t see why I couldn’t wear loose fitting pants/a shirt, and hijab, and you have to wear knee/elbow pads (see my previous clips regarding goalball to see why), because if you don’t, you’ll get really bruised up, though sometimes you get bruised up anyway. The only problems I could see would be if the rules only allowed for certain types of uniform/dress, and if the clothes I chose to wear were too heavy, that might impede my movements. If I could find some loose fitting, modest, sports attire, that would be what I’d need, I’d think.

I’m starting to get really excited about this, if I could actually do it, though, I’ll be real disappointed if I can’t. If they tell me hijab isn’t allowed, or I’m too old, etc., I’m not sure if I’d have the motivation to fight that lol. It’d be one thing if I didn’t just pop out of nowhere, and decide out of the blue that I wanted to play (which isn’t quite true, but that’s how it might appear). If I’d been playing for a while, or was playing just before and just after taking shahadah, then perhaps I’d not feel so, I don’t know, like ready to walk away at the first “no”.

All I know is that I need to get involved in something. I’ve had some recent online experiences that have really made me start thinking that I need more of a life off of the computer and outside of my house and not just work either. And at this point, I don’t care much what it is… Volunteering, attending neighborhood meetings, heck, I might ask my husband if there’s anything I can do at the store. I need to do something, though.

More Goalball…

I think that goalball is my obsession of the week, lol.

Don’t mind the references to Jesus, etc. This appears to be a documentary on goalball.

I wonder if there’s any goalball teams in this area? Is there a normal age limit? Is 33 too old to play? Hmmm…. I feel the competitive spirit rise again… Maybe that’ll change after my first time playing, and realizing how out of shape I am, or the first time I get a good hit to the face.

My Little Pony #is Islam-Approved#

My Little Pony (is Islam-Approved) « Muslimah Media Watch

Assalamu alaikum, a couple of dear sisters forwarded this to me this morning, and I wanted to blog about it before it became old news/stale. Although I’d considered waiting until I finished doing my taxes, but then I’d probably be too tired to say anything. However, as I knew that I really wanted to blog about this, I thought I might as well go ahead. So in between bites of my dinner, here goes…

Firstly, Sis Aaminah brought up a good point that I’d not considered as I hastily read the post before starting work this morning, which was in relation to the following:

“…this belief is not supported anywhere in the Qur’an, which only mentions dogs favorably. This means the idea of dogs as unclean doesn’t technically have a basis in Islamic law.”

To which Aaminah said:

Um, yeah… good article except for this. Writer has no business speaking to what is and is not Islamic law, esp if she doesn’t even seem to know that hadiths comprise a significant portion of how the law is defined and explained.

Good points. And I also wanted to make a few points regarding Muslims and dog guides, from my own very limited experience and knowledge. Firstly, even in the Maliki madhhab, where dogs and their saliva are considered to be pure, you still find an aversion to dogs in the house and I also believe that you still can’t keep a dog as a pet, you’d still have to have a specific need for them, even if they are considered to be clean.

It has also been told to me that even if I came across a masjid following the Maliki madhhab, for example, I’d still not be able to take my dog there, I’d still have to leave the dog at home. And, that choosing to use a dog could possibly reduce my marriage prospects.

However, there are Muslims out there, even if only a handful, maybe, that use dog guides, and Mona’s reasons for deciding to use a horse instead of a dog may not necessarily apply to all Muslims, and her reasons may not necessarily be because of religion either.

I was also curious as to why the journalist went to a CAIR spokesman to get the “low-down”, so to speak, on Muslims’ aversion to dogs? Could they have sought out a scholar? Or did they get “scholar” or “person of knowledge” confused with “civil rights organization/activist. Or, did they just think that all Muslims are just monolithic and that any Muslim would be able to answer for another Muslim’s reasons/decisions. After mentioning this point, it has been brought to my attention (as noted in the comments), that the spokesman in question is indeed an imam, and thus could be called upon by both Muslims and non-Muslims to address a question such as this. However, the reference to CAIR was a bit jarring, given that we weren’t so much dealing with a civil rights issue, in this case, but dealing with the choices an individual made to use a horse instead of a dog to guide them. Whatever the reason CAIR was even mentioned at all, that is not really my main contention, and given what I understand now, regardless of whether or not CAIR had been mentioned in reference to him or not, he is a more than adequate spokesman to address this topic.

Perhaps if the author of the article highlighted in Muslimah Media Watch would have done their research/homework, perhaps they’d have found out that while Mona decided to get a guide horse because of her family’s aversion to dogs (which could have caused a real problem as she was living with them), their aversion may not have necessarily been because of Islam. I know plenty of non-Muslims who don’t like dogs, don’t want them in the house, etc., not to mention the many blind people who decide that a dog is not for them and would rather use a cane instead, and their religion has nothing to do with it.

And I’ve never come across a scholar, and I’ve asked plenty about it, that has told me that I couldn’t have a dog guide. Before I knew about the Maliki madhhab, I was given recommendations about keeping clothes/place clean etc., if the dog’s saliva came into contact with me, my clothes, or my prayer area. However, I found this to be a bit of a hardship for me, as I was constantly worried about my dog’s wet nose touching me, or wondering if any saliva got on to my clothes from my dog sniffing me, etc.

And this is primarily why I began following the Maliki madhhab, because as the dog’s saliva was considered clean, I didn’t have to worry about this. And I have to be honest and say that I wish more Muslims knew about this opinion, and for those that are aware of it, that they would give the opinion the same status as other issues where differences of opinion may exist. For example, in my experience, when I’ve brought up to people the “dog issue” and the Maliki madhhab’s differing view on it, than that of other legal schools, I’ve gotten a dismissive “oh but that’s a weak opinion”, or the “where’s your dalil/proof” answer, or the “if Imam Malik says that something in his madhhab contradicts the Sunnah, that we should take the Sunnah and discard the madhhab”, or something to that affect. This usually comes after I either stumble and stammer and otherwise can’t quote chapter and verse of any ahadith/proof backing up my assertion, or whatever I do say doesn’t satisfy the questioner.

And when I decided to convert to Islam, when I had my first dog, and when I decided to get my second dog after my first dog retired, I knew that these sorts of things would happen. I knew that I’d probably be passed over by some brothers because of the dog (like blindness didn’t cause me to get passed over anyway), I knew that I’d have to once again prove my worthiness as a Muslim, and I know that many people would disagree with my choice to get a second dog. However, I decided that I had to do what was best for myself, and not listen to others or let other people influence me, especially since I knew that what I was doing was permissible.

As far as brothers passing me over for marriage, by the time I got my dog, that didn’t matter anyway, because I’d already gotten remarried. However, had I still been single, having a dog was just something I was going to do, and if having the dog was going to be a make or break thing, that would have caused marriage discussions to end, then I’d just have considered it the brother’s loss and kept on moving.

I was passed the point of settling… And my thinking was that if the prospective spouse couldn’t deal with me having a dog, there were probably going to be other things about me he couldn’t deal with either.

Anyway… I’m really digressing here but… it might have taken a little work, however, this article could have been a bit more nuanced than it was. For example, why could they not have tried to find other blind Muslims on the net who use dog guides? Or, non-Muslims who’ve chosen to use guide horses?

Guide Dogs Inspire Paula Abdul to Join Campaign

Assalamu alaikum, while this can’t obviously be a bad thing, and while my first reaction was “wow, that’s pretty cool”. My next reaction was kinda like “meh”. I have a strange, I’m not sure how to explain it, I guess you could say I get kinda prickly when celebreties decide to champion a cause. Perhaps I’m just being a party pooper, maybe it’s the latent bitterness at the “sighted world” rearing its ugly head, I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out myself as I am writing this.

I mean, are we educating people on the training and the use of dog guides, or is it just a “wow that’s really cool” kinda thing. Because unfortunately many people out there could use some educating. And if Paula Abdul somehow uses Amiercan Idol to do it, I think it could be a good thing. But if it’s somehow parading a foster puppy raiser in front of the TV or, worse for me anyway, parading a blind person and their dog in a “oh look how cool that is” kinda way, that’d be what I’d have a problem with. I guess my question would be, are we going to educate people or just make a spectacle out of them, and further infuse stereotypes of what the blind, and in this case, their guides can do?

Also, I’m wondering how much having a blind contestant on the show affected this decision? Again, not that that’s a bad thing, I’m just musing. And on that note, I’m off to get ready for work for the day. Just thought I’dpost this before running along.

Does Lack of Accessibility Relegate Blind and Visually Impaired Cell Phone Subscribers to Higher Priced, Contract-Required Phone Plans and Providers?

Assalamu alaikum, I’ve been a subscriber to Cingular/now AT&T Wireless for almost 5 years now. And generally, I’ve been happy with the service. However, with services such as Metro PCS and Boost Mobile, which are now offering unlimited calling and in some cases, unlimited text and mobile web at a lower price than AT&T is offering, as far as I know, I’m considering switching.

However, my excitement at finding a cheaper deal is severely dampened when I discover that none of the phones offered by either Metro PCS or, as in the case of my search today, Boost Mobile, are accessible to me. Even if I were to go and purchase a phone, none of the phones, as far as I can tell, would support Mobile Speak, the software that I’m currently using on my current AT&T device in order to make the features of my phone accessible. However, I’m also paying a higher price for that accessibility, not only with the software I have to buy to make it accessible, but also for the phone plan and the features I want too, as the no-contract plan/features tend to be cheaper.

If I were sighted, like my husband, for example, I could go and get a Boost Mobile phone, choose my plan and be up and running within minutes. However, because I’m blind, I’m limited to the “big boys” as it were, and limited to usually a 2-year contract. And to be honest, this makes me angry. So much so that I’m half tempted to just scrap having a cell phone altogether.

Does it not occur to anyone that blind people, many of whom are on a fixed-icnome, would also like a prepaid plan as well, just like a sighted person? Probably not, I guess.

On Blindisms: What Are They and Do I Display Them?

Assalamu alaikum, talk about being put in my place…

I was watching the “We Are One” concert on HBO, and Stevie Wonder and Shakira (who imho sounded awful) were performing the song Higher Ground together. I went to ask my husband if Stevie was displaying, what we in the blind community refer to as “blindisms”. These consist of things like rocking back and forth, taking our fingers and pushing on our eyes, and rapidly moving our heads back and forth (the blindism that Stevie Wonder is well-known for displaying). I asked my husband if he was doing that, my husband said he was, and I said, in a tone of disgust and derision, “Oh how embarrasing”. To which my husband replied, when I asked, “do I do that?” “yes you do, and most blind people do”. I was shocked! Talk about deflating my ego!

I know I tend to move my head around, in fact, I’m doing it now. I notice I do it when I’m writing. I’ll cock my head to the side, then I’ll hold my head back, and then I’ll move it forward. But it’s kind of in a slow motion, not in a rapid, back-and-forth movement. Or at least, I didn’t think I did that.

Now I’m like, “oh my” what other blindisms am I doing in public that I don’t know about? Am I rocking back and forth (I used to do that when I was a child, especially when I was listening to music, I’d rock to the beat of the song). And hopefully, I don’t do the horrid flipping your hands about in the air… Oh boy… Now I’m thinking I look like a freak or something!

But I think most of this sort of thing is limited to blind people who’ve been blind their whole lives. I don’t know of any people who lost their vision later in life exhibiting this kind of behavior. I’d also be interested in knowing if any research has been done into why we do this? Because a lot of this is quite common among blind people.

Anyway, I’ve tried to stop my various blindisms, some I have, like rocking, but I still press on my eyes, and I do it without even thinking about it. When we were kids we were told that if we didn’t stop doing that, that it would change the whole structure of our faces, that we’d press our eyes all the way back into our sockets, and I think that’s happened to me. I know my eyes are further into my head than other people’s, and my forehead isn’t as rounded as other people’s. I mean, it’s not like my eyes are completely sunken in, but I do wonder what my adult facial features would have been like if I’d not been putting my fingers in my eyes as a child. And I remember being scolded about this for as long as I can remember! And no method that was ever tried ever broke the habit.