Monday, Monday
Posted by Ginny on November 9, 2009
Assalamu alaikum, well, interesting start to the morning lol. Well, not really lol but… Chloe had a rare bathroom accident, probably because she drank more water than normal and didn’t wake me up in the night to go out. And she wasn’t too forceful about needing to go out this morning. I think it happened when I was in the bathroom taking my shower, and for some reason, I didn’t notice it until I’d brought her back in the house from taking her outside where, oddly, she didn’t have to use the bathroom (because of course she’d already gone in the house). And it was at that point that I realized that she’d peed in the floor. Yuck! That’s almost worse than cleaning up solid waste! And the smell lingers longer too. Now I’m worried about it leaving a stain, because I didn’t have any Resolve to clean it up. Not to mention the purity issue from an Islamic perspective. *sigh*
Also, I hate it when I get so “negative” Islamicly speaking, either when I blog about an issue affecting Muslims that is troubling me or bothering me, or when my faith is not terribly strong, both of which have been happening all to frequently lately, and it really is starting to scare me.
I don’t think my faith has been this shaken and tested since I was with my ex-husband, and I told myself that Inshallah, it would never get that bad again. And I’m not talking about “leaving Islam” bad, but perhaps leaving the community bad. I mean, I couldn’t see myself abandoning prayer or fasting or hijab, though at this point, just doing the basics is about all I can muster. I just feel sluggish, tired, kinda like I’m trying to swim and I’ve gotten tired, and I’m in the deep end and the waves are battering me and if I’m not careful I’ll just drown.
I’m starting to get confused about what is “Islamic” and what is not, what is something that should be condemned, and what isn’t. I’m starting to feel like I was sold “dawa-friendly” Islam, only to be shown the “real deal” once I said Shahadah, or at least once I found myself around Muslims who thought it was safe to, well, maybe not condone actions such as those of Nidal Hasan, but at the very least, call Muslims who condemned Hasan’s actions “apologists”. And then you see the issue of Muslims in the military, or the US military’s role in the killing of Muslims come up again.
And this is of course on top of and on the heels of the issues recently brought up regarding the community in Jordan. And I’d actually gotten to the point where I’d made peace with that whole thing, and, well, I’d wanted to use the term “washed my hands of it”, though I think that term’s a bit harsh. But, I had decided, for my own spiritual well-being, to leave it to Allah to make the truth, whatever it is, known, and I asked Allah’s forgiveness for any wrong I’ve done, and left it for those who are or were actually involved to decide the best course of action. And I decided to put the issue to rest. Which admittedly, is something that I should have done in the first place, even though I have my own thoughts and opinions on the issue. Because this just plain isn’t my business! It’s hurtful yes, it leaves me with many misgivings, yes, but it’s not something that I can solve or deal with, or tell others how to deal with it, even if I were in some kind of a position to do anything. And I sure wish I’d have come to this realization to start with.
So anyway, I have made peace with this whole thing, and really didn’t pay too much attention to the Fort Hood incident, only to see messages on an email list I’m a member of, seemingly implicitly condoning what Nidal Hasan did. And again admittedly, maybe I read too much into the post. But at the very least, calling Muslims who condemned the actions of Maj. Hasan and offered condolences to the affected families “apologists”, questioning their allegiance, and then bringing up the US military’s involvement in the killing of Muslims, etc., If this isn’t “condoning” Maj. Hasan’s behavior, then what is it? “Making excuses for” perhaps? I don’t know, however, my very being says what he did was wrong, and what I knew of Islam said what he did was wrong. Muslims in the military, the status of Muslim vs. non-Muslim relations and how Muslims should deal with Muslims and non-Muslims are all points that seem to be open for discussion and debate, and those aren’t issues that I have the mental strength or requisite knowledge to even get into at this point.
But what I do know and feel is that we as Muslims can’t expect to be treated any better if we don’t treat others, even “the kuffar” the way we want to be treated. We can’t demand something from non-Muslims that we’re not able or willing to give ourselves. If we want non-Muslims to treat us well, to respect us, to stop killing us, then perhaps we should stop killing each other, perhaps we should treat each other the way we would like others to treat us. Simple principles yet many of us don’t abide by them.
I’m sorry to keep blogging about the same things over and over again. I know I have a tendency to keep beating a dead horse, and it’s a tendency I can’t seem to get rid of. But my faith has been severely tested, shaken, torn down in recent months. And I feel as though I’m screaming, yelling and no one is hearing me. I feel as htough I’m swimming in a deep pool and I’m getting weak, and I fear that I may just go under and/or worse, just give up altogether. Because I’m tired! And it would be just so easy to do that. But something won’t let me! I can’t just stop praying, stop fasting, take off my hijab tomorrow, even if I’m a white woman and could just take off my hijab and blend back into the “non-Muslim world” tomorrow. I just can’t do that! No matter how tired I feel, no matter how much of my “Muslimness” that I’m questioning at this point, I can’t even begin to see myself going that far.
So I’m a Muslim, I’m just not sure I’m the kind of Muslim who condones or makes excuses for the actions of other Muslims, or maybe even apologizes for or puts out statements on said actions. I’m the kind of Muslim who thinks abuse of women and children is wrong and should never be condoned, explained, legitimized, justified, etc. I’m the kind of Muslim who strives to be the best Muslim I can be, and who has many faults and failings, and who’s so busy and ashamed of my own faults that I really could care less about the “loyalty” of other Muslims, that perhaps I’ll be “loyal” to people who are “loyal” to me, and not just because they call themselves “Muslim”.
And what is wala wal bara’a anyway? Does it have a basis in traditional Islamic fiqh? What of Maliki fiqh?
And am I a “traditional Muslim” anymore?
These are but some of the questions and thoughts I’ve been asking myself as of late.
I’m starting to feel the need to just withdraw a bit, to concentrate on praying, fasting, dhikr and dua, because I’ve found that’s what has helped me when I get weak in faith like this.
I’m just tired and feeling scared and unsure, and I don’t like that.
It also bothers me that I feel as though I must seem like a real basket case to the rest of the world, and perhaps that could best be solved by not blogging at all. But I think I just want to know that I’m not alone. And that I’m not, well, crazy, because I sure feel like it sometimes, and have often found myself wondering if what I’m going through is normal, or if it requires some sort of outside intervention.
Ruqayyah said
you are not alone, and you are not crazy in your thoughts, your recent posts have echoed much of my own feelings of late, jazak Allah khair
zahra said
I second Ruqayyah
Pink Muslimah said
Assalamu `alaykum wa rahmatullah
Be patient with yourself. That is hard, I know – I wasn’t very good to myself when I went through these things. May Allah make your path easy, sister. Hang in there, you can do it.
I’m SO Feeling this Post « Oy, Habibti…. said
[...] I’m SO Feeling this Post From Ginny. [...]
Mezba said
I think converts should hang around with “normal” muslims and in my opinion they spend most of the time with extremes that leads to this problem. Although I don’t know for sure.
The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same- Carlos Castaneda
Achelois said
Ginny, I was just talking about this with my husband this morning. I feel even some born Muslims are not shown the “real deal”
which means that there is a separate group that has the “real deal.” Either they were always so many and so powerful and we only know about them now from the Internet or they have just become so prominent, but they are scary.
I feel like I spent three decades and some years in total ignorance thinking that really all Muslims live in daisy fields and carry halos. Just yesterday I was attacked by being called a progressive and arrogant because I choose to think critically. Somehow if you condemn any wrong or attempt to ‘think’ you are an arrogant progressive with a one-way ticket to Hell.
I would say hang in there, it will all be alright, but I’d be lying. I have just come out of that lie.
Mezba said
I clarified a bit on sabiwabi’s post.
zahra said
Jumping off Achelois’ comment – I think converts, like myself, do believe in the Utopia of Muslims – all embracing the one true religion that made raised the status of women and so on. Then to find, women are truly considered second class by most organized Muslim outfits – they can call it protection or some BS but it isn’t. For a Muslimah mostly alone for a lack of cohesive others really sucks.
I too, have been labelled a “westernized feminist” for arguing on several occassions about 2nd class accomodations for women in Mosques. To hear “you go to worship not to see (or hear or participate)” really ticks me off but what really chaffed me was how quickly women who agreed with me scurried off behind the wall without a peep because “Good” Muslim sisters tow the line even if they disagree.
But it is true – the voice of ultra-conservatism (for a lack of a better word) which goes hand in hand with the oppression/restriction of women’s liberties and freedom of movement(couched in protection) has been growing in voice and numbers since I converted in 2002. Especially other women who are screaming at other women to embrace the ideologies that keep them down – all the while showing the undercurrent of saddness at their supposed weakness for being selfish and not loving what G-d has decreed for them – a life of staring at the four walls of their home usually.
Sorry for the long rant. Ginny, you Muslimah bloggers with real feelings about real issues – who are honest and don’t just tow the line are decreasing. I appreciate greatly what you do.
Ginny said
Assalamu alaikum, Zahra, you bring up a good point, well many of them actually. I think for converts, well, just speaking for me anyway, when I was reading about Islam, before I converted, I think I was shown the “eutopian” version of Islam, what Islam was supposed to be, or I should say, what Muslims were supposed to be/how Islam was supposed to be followed. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I don’t know, I didn’t see “the truth” of how people actually practiced Islam until after I’d became a Muslim, because if I had, perhaps I might never have become a Muslim.
I think of what the Prophet’s Wives did, and how they lived their lives, and how they were treated, and then I think of how Muslim women are treated today, and it’s definitely a far cry, from what we know of, than how Muslim women were treated back then. I mean, Muslim women got equal accomodations at the Mosque for crying out loud! Why should we expect anything less now? But do you know what I’ve heard people say, some of the same “we gotta get back to the Qur’an and Sunnah” type Muslims, is “oh but times are different today”. My goodness, you had Muslim women leading and fighting battles in our history, and now you’ve got some people that think it’s haram for women to even leave the house, not to talk of going to the masjid. And we wonder why we’re in such a state! We can’t even treat the women right in many cases, not to mention how we treat each other generally. And yet we want to be “respected” and “taken seriously” by the non-Muslims?! Are you serious?
Do you know how bad it looks when a Muslim or Muslims blow up a market or behead someone because *they* think it’s Islam, and little old me convert trying to tell my non-Muslim friends and family members “this isn’t Islam”? I know that many of them think I’m nuts, or they themselves think I’m following some sorta “progressive” or “liberal” interpretation of my own religion. And these are the people that some Muslims have insisted to me that I have to “give dawa” to? Allah will guide whom he wills but, how can I give dawa to people who’ve already had thier minds made up? And when people say “give dawa” they think it’s just so easy as “telling people about Islam” and that’s it. It’s just not that simple.
bingregory said
And what is wala wal bara’a anyway?
Yeah that’s a good one. I’m sure it’s in there somewhere, but the way the concept gets elevated by some into this foundational principle for all our dealings with the non-muslims (Hating someone for the sake of Allah? Ick.) and withholding judgement about anyone calling themselves a muslim (“You don’t know what their intentions were”, said the imam on Friday, September 14.) is very strange.
There’s a pdf of an essay by Shaykh Salman Al-Oadah that puts wala and bara’a into perspective if you’re interested: “Between Natural and Religious Loyalties“.
Abdur rahman said
Assalamualaikum sister
The Prophet SAW in a hadith talks about how the 2 feet of the son of adam will not move on the Day of Judgement until they are asked about 5 things.
1 of them being knowledge. The way you are feeling now has to do with the fact that you are only given the partial knowledge and hence have a hard time connecting the dots.
It is also because the Muslims in the west are too busy customizing Islam to fit that region and in this confusion you need to realize that Islam never customizes itself for a region or time but rather they both customize for Islam.
Allah swt tells us in the Quran how this day He perfected the deen in Surat Ale Imran and so the time aspect doesnt hold true.
And the Prophet SAW migrated to madina as makkah was not suitable for Islam.
End of the day you need to ask yourself.
Have you put enough efforts to seek the answers ?
If a doctor tells you you have cancer you will seek the answers to that problem but what about your soul that has a disease..isnt it time to seek the answers for it?
Pink said
assalamu `alaykum
I think that Muslims from the East have done their fair share of customising Islam to fit their own cultures, as well. You wouldn’t believe the amount of bunk that I have heard from converts and born Muslims alike that trace back to Arab or Pakistani culture yet have nothing to do with Islam.