Ginny’s Thoughts & Things

Assalamu alaikum, well, Ramadan is over, or at least almost so, and it makes me sad. Sad that I don’t feel I got nearly as much accomplished as I wanted to, or should have! The month goes by so fast, it reminds me of trying to grasp a handful of sand and try to hold onto it for as long as you can, but no matter how hard you try, it still falls away, time still moves on!

I feel a mixture of joy, excitement and yet, a tinge of sadness! That Ramadan has gone, and yet, I feel I did not use the time of this month as wisely as I’d wanted to. Didn’t read as much Qur’an, didn’t pray as much Tarowih and Tahajjud as I’d wanted, didn’t make as much dua and dhikr. And it kinda scares me a little. What if I never see another Ramadan, and I don’t get this chance again?

I was sick for the past week and a half, with a cold, and all I wanted to do was sleep! I also attended a family function last weekend, and maybe it was the spiritual state I was in, but I just felt completely out of place! For many, many reasons that I just won’t go into here. I would love to say that I wanted to be at home, praying, reading Qur’an, etc., but in reality, I just wanted to be in bed!

For some reason, it seems, I get a cold at some point during Ramadan, usually during the last part of it. I don’t know if it’s the fasting or what it is. I don’t know if illness duirng Ramadan means something or not. But whatever the case, I still feel like I have accomplished nothing during the month!

And the surprise that “Eid is tomorrow” for some, and my “discomfort” about that, also makes me sad. Sad becuase I feel like I’m just going to keep beating that perverbial dead horse, and sad because we just keep repeating the same sorts of things over and over and over again (myself included).

Tomorrow morning, I have to leave for work earlier than normal so my husband can get to the masjid for Eid prayers, and I didn’t take the day off, and I just feel a little glum about that. I’m just glad that I, well, let’s just say, that well, due to circumstances beyond my control, I won’t have to decide “which day to pray” this year, and I didn’t have to decide which day to fast.

I just feel badly going against my community, not because I feel they’re right, but I feel like by doing that, that act in and of itself is a road to the path of Fitna.

I’m just tired, feeling sad, because this month has so quickly passed me by. And I don’t feel I did nearly enough. And, and, and.

I feel like the rest of the world is going one way, but I insist on going another. I feel like I was the only person in Florida who decided to start counting their Ramadan days, or starting their Ramadan, on September 14th. Heck, I was probably the only one in the Southeast region to do so. And while I can write pages about the why of it, well, I still don’t like it, because I still feel like I’m doing something “bad”, like “following madhhabs” bad, or “tasawuf” bad.

I don’t know how to explain it. I feel as though there is someone just waiting to pounce on me and say “what’s wrong with you, you fitna-monger, why can’t you be like the rest of us and just follow” whoever?

And I want to say, because I read such-and-such, or I asked someone, or whatever. And then I’d say to myself “no, that’s not right, then you’re still causing fitna, because you’re engaging in argumentation”, etc. Does any of this make sense?

OK, so I’m rambling, it’s late and I should be sleeping. I know, I know, I know. It woudl just be so easy to just go with the tide, follow “what everyone else is doing” for the sake of “unity” or whatever, but I don’t know if there is some defect in my nafs or what, but it is just not in my nature to do that! I never was a “follow the crowd” type of person. Especially if everything we know tells us that said crowd, well, may not be correct.

I’d sure like to know how a moon that all the models said was 0% eluminated was seen! Must have been some moon! And why did we not see it here where it was said, again by the models, to be more eluminated at 1%?

What if, as has been reported in the past, Saudi comes back and says “oops we made a mistake”, and then people have to go back and fast that extra day? Is this even considered when things like the beginning and ending of Islamic months are decided? Just some questions?

Anyway, I’ll stop now. This is just my rambling, nonsensical thoughts, nothing more nothing less. Inshallah, everyone has a blessed Eid, and that is what I *really* should be saying! Not going on tirades about the “when” of it! If I could just learn to just keep quiet and do what I think is best, without inciting only Allah knows what, kind of drama no matter where I go?

Anyway, assalalmu alaikum, all, I think I’ll go now, I’m tired and it’s late and I have to work in the morning! *sigh*. Those of us who go against the tide, even if it’s deemed as “right”, well, it sure can get lonely and that’s I guess my point! If you’re the only madhhab-following, tasawuf-friendly, person who follows the local moon sighitn gin NOrth America or follows Zaytuna’s sighting, but the rest of your community seemingly does differently, I’m just saying it can be lonely! Everyone else in my community is having Eid tomorrow, and my Eid will most likely be on Saturday or Sunday. And that just makes me sad! Because I’ll be doing it all by msyelf, and that just doesn’t capture the spirit of it!

*sigh* OK, I’m really going now, assalamu alaikum.