Ginny’s Thoughts & Things

     Assalamu alaikum / greetings.  You know, I have it pretty easy.  I have a relatively easy job, working in a call center, answering phones, answering people’s questions on their DHS cases, or given people info on DHS programs, operated through the state of Tennessee.  I work from 7:30 to 4 in the afternoon, Monday through Friday, I get the weekends off.  I pretty much get up in the morning, go to work, sit in an office setting all day, and then return home in the evenings to play on the computer, watch TV, read, and sleep. 

     My weekends are spent relaxing or cleaning my room or doing laundry.  Yesterday, in fact, I spent most of the day sleeping.  Yep, you read right.  I slept most of the day, periodically waking up every so often to watch a little TV, and then I’d fall back to sleep again.

     And I felt guilty for it.  I kept thinking, here are my brothers and sisters suffering in Iraq, Palestine, Lebanon, Chechnya, Niger, Mali, The Gambia, Congo, and many, many other places in the world, and here I am sleeping!

     I mean, I kept thinking of just how good I have it.  I have a decent house, plenty of food to eat, I’m healthy, and what’s more, I don’t have to worry about someone bombing my house at night, or coming in and dragging either me or my family out to either detain or kill us.  I can and have been, making dua and dhikr, and praying for those suffering around the world, but I still feel guilty. 

     I remember my father making some comment that the only reason I was against the war in Iraq was because Muslims were dying, or suffering, or something like that.  And that was party of it, admittedly.  However, I also didn’t think it right for America to send its troops to die in something that, well, Iraq was not directly a threat to us, here in America, even though that was given as an excuse for us to go to war.  I don’t believe that people should die needlessly, just to prop up the agenda of the powers-that-be, and I don’t feel this way simply because I’m a Muslim, and I don’t think I’d feel differently if non-Muslims, supposedly, were the ones who were dying.

     Notice in the list of countries given above I spoke of the suffering people of The Congo, and that country is not a predominantly Muslim one, to my knowledge.  I not only feel for my Muslim brothers and sisters who are suffering, but my non-Muslim brothers and sisters as well, because all of us, as humans, are children of Adam, and thus, are all related.

     One day last week, when I was watching the local news while I was getting ready for work, they carried a story about the Jewish community in Nashville doing things in support of Israel "in their time of crisis", or something like that.  They had this lady on who spoke of her son "going over and fighting for Israel", and how she hated for him to do it, because she didn’t want to potentially lose her son, but at the same time, she was proud of him because he was going to defend Israel. 

     Aside from the fact that he was going to defend a country who, at this point, is waging what seems to be genocide and ethnic cleansing on the Arab population around it, I also thought that if this woman were talking about her son "going to fight jihad in Pakistan", or Iraq, or Lebanon, or Palestine, or Chechnya, her, her son, their friends, family, and even mere acquaintances would all be accused of terrorism and sent to Guantanamo Bay.  No mush news stories would be done about "this poor mother and her son", nor the "Muslim community collecting supplies to send to" name a country.  They all would be accused of terrorism, and whatever charity they had collecting the supplies would be shut down and its members prosecuted in court for "aiding the enemy" or something like that. 

     Oh, but since its Israel, it’s OK.  They can openly and unashamedly talk of how they are "bombing lebanon back 20 years" or whatever it is they said.  And they can openly hint that Arab / Lebanese deaths don’t mean anything.  But let "them there Mozlems" try such a thing and watch what happens.  Oh, how I hate hypocrisy and double standards!

     I almost can’t even stand to watch / listen to the news coverage on the events in the Middle East, and especially so from American media.  I haven’t even turned on the BBC, as of late, for fear of getting bristlingly irritated / angry at the coverage.  But all one can do is rely on the help of Allah and continue to make dua, dhikr and read Qur’an.

Link: Israel Is Powerful, Yes. But Not So Invincible. - New York Times.

Link: AIPAC’s Hold.

Link: The Arab American News.

     Assalamu alaikum / greetings, I’ve not really blogged too much on the situation in Lebanon.  I really don’t know what to say.  I feel an immense sadness for the innocent people who have died, and an anger, though I hate to use that word, with those carrying out the attacks.  But all I can do is make dua. 

     Regarding the man who shot 5 people at the Jewish center in Seattle, I think it was Friday that this happened?  What was he hoping to accomplish by this?  Jewish does not equal Israel.  I’m sure that the Israeli government engages in acts which many Jews don’t approve of.  So what is the point in shooting people at a Jewish center?  Certainly, I’d hope that this man doesn’t think he’s getting back at Israel for doing this?

     Personally, of course, I don’t have a problem with Jews or Christians.  They are the "People of the Book", thus, I should respect them as such.  But they are also part of humanity.  What I do, however, have a problem with is, what I understand to be, an essentially apartheid state, that if you’re not Jewish, you’re treated as second-class citizens.  And you hold yourself up as a democracy.  And you do this while, almost on a daily basis, killing innocent people, destroying property, all because of some sort of "collective punishment" or whatever.

     And the thing is, you know, while doing this, that the world can’t say anything, because all you have to do is throw the word "anti-Semitic" around a few times, and that will shut just about everyone else up.  Unless, of course, you’re Bin-Laden or Ahmedinijad.   

     The truth is, I don’t really know how I feel about Israel.  For example, it’s "right to exist".  I mean, how can you give a place the "right to exist", when, as I understand it, the land was stolen from other people?  OK, so, now Israel is here, what can we do?  The truth is, I don’t know.  What I know I don’t like is the collective punishment that takes place, the open hatred for Arabs and Muslims, I seem to see, and the devaluing of their lives, while holding up the lost lives of Israelis as something sacred and something to take revenge on the Arabs and Muslims because of the lost lives.

     The thing is, just as Israel accuses of "Arabs wanting to drive them into the sea", etc., I really believe that there are Israelis who’d like nothing better than to get rid of all of those Arabs and Muslims, so they can have all the land they think that is rightfully theirs.  And that is the thing, I think, that is un-politically correct to say.  And the only way that you can keep from being called "anti-Semitic", is to hold Israel up as the only thing "saving" the Middle East right now, and the "only democracy in the Middle East", etc.

     And that is what makes me angry.  It’s not the existence of the state of Israel itself.  It’s how, the so-called "only democracy in the Middle East", treats its non-Jewish inhabitants.  It’s how it destroys Palestinian land, trees, olive groves, etc.  It’s how it will destroy a family’s house, just because "one of the members of said family was suspected of being a terrorist", or suicide bomber, or something like that.

     Every time I hear Israel talking about "the terrorists need to stop what they’re doing", or "such-and-such a group needs to agree to whatever", I think, what about Israel?  What about all of the UN resolutions *they* keep violating, and the war crimes *they* keep committing, and the international law *they* keep violating? 

     That is what makes me angry.  It’s not that Israel is *there*, but it’s that they have pretty much impugnity, from the rest of the world, to do whatever they want, because they are Israel, they are Jewish, and if you say anything, all they have to do is label you an "anti-Semite" or a "terrorist sympathizer", and that will pretty much shut you up.

     So Israel can murder and injure defenseless women and children, bomb convoys trying to escape, bomb airports, bridges, roads, milk factories, and any other kind of conceivable form of civilian infrastructure, and call it "defending Israel", or "self-defense".  But do the Palestinians and Lebanese have a right to defend themselves?

     I feel that people who are being attacked have the right to defend themselves.  What they don’t have the right to do is, kill or wound or attack innocent people.  People don’t have the right to shoot people at Jewish centers, or bomb people eating at pizza parlors, or bomb people on buses, etc.

     But there are a lot of things I don’t understand.  All I can do is pray and make dua. 

Link: CNN.com - XM and Sirius: A brotherly discussion - Jul 20, 2006.

     Assalamu alaikum / greetings.  I was watching TV last weekend, and I was watching the Halmark Channel, and they were showing this movie called, "Love Comes Softly".  Now, I’ve started calling these types of movies "Hallmakr movies".  And I’m not sure how to describe them, but the basic theme is "pioneer" or some other hard-working family comes togehter, and through faith, perseveres through good and bad times.  It’s heart-warming, a tear-jerker, and some would say "sappy".

     So anyway, I found the books which this movie was based on, and Audible has them under "inspirational fiction", or "Christian fiction" is another category I’ve seen listed.  And, though I’m not "Christian" of course, I do like these books, because, I don’t know, they’re just feel-good books, and I just needed something like that this week.  I guess I could get knit-picky and find things wrong with them, but I just don’t feel like doing that. 

     They’re good books, and I like the characters, and I just need something to escape into this week.  Is that so wrong?  I’m tired, I haven’t felt well this week, and well, I’m trying not to despair, because I don’t like to do that, and then end up wallowing in my own self-pity. 

     I’ll be all right, it’s just not a good week, and I just need to relax and sleep, when I’m not working anyway.  And oh yeah, I’m getting akitten!  My cat Twix had 6 kittens, and I’m keeping one of them!  And I also got a CamCorder which lets you upload the videos directly on to your computer, and I’d like to see if I can post videos of Gage on my blog, instead of pictures.  But I’m not sure how that would work.

     Assalamu alaikum, so why do I keep doing this to myself?  The answer is, I don’t know!  I want to say, "but I just can’t resist", but it’s not like anyone is forcing me to stay on an email list, or engage in discussions with anyone.  But is it worth staying on the list, for the few refreshing discussions that do take place, as well as for the listing of events and gatherings and other interesting tidbits?  Is continuing to stay on worth all of this "confusion", that I seem to be feeling?  Yeah, I like the list, for the interesting people on there, the interesting discussions that have taken place.  But sometimes, I think, "Is it really worth it"?  Is it helpful to my spirituality, to my nafs, to stay on a list like this?  Well, I’m still there, so I can’t really complain or ask for pitty from anyone.  The truth is, it’s the fear of "missing something", that keeps me there.  I don’t want to miss Haruna’s next interesting post, or George’s posting of the latest health article about how eating fruit is going to help, whatever, I can’t remember what that article was about, to cite two examples (what happened to George’s interesting articles anyway?).  But, as I’d said before, or maybe I haven’t, it’s the interesting articles, a person’s humorous comments, or someone’s rational, mature, calm analysis of the current situation in The Gambia, devoid of any name-calling, cursing, or insults,  that has kept me a member of this list, when I probably should have long sense left, if not for my own sanity, maybe for everyone else’s.

     But I have to tell you the latest, guys.  OK, I’ve come to terms with having my Islam and my character called into question, because of an opinion I’ve expressed.  I think I’ve come to terms with being called an "outsider", or even a "racist", etc.  But you guys want to know what the latest thing is?  Now, it’s the accusation that I’m not even the author of my own words!  Yep, you guys have read /heard right!  Now, I’m being accused of forwarding someone else’s words, under my name and from my email account, to the Gambia Post, ostensibly because said supposed "real" author of the emails doesn’t have the "backbone" to post them on his own!

     No matter that I’ve never and would never do something like that, and if I ever was going to forward any email from anyone I’d make it clear that I was doing so, and wouldn’t make people to think that they were my words when they weren’t.

     So there you have it.  How do you respond to something like that?  You know, admittedly, I was a little indignant, of course.  But I also found it quite humorous.  I mean, it was once again the same old reframe.  Let’s not address what Ginny is saying, but let’s just once again launch into how wrong she is, and find something "bad" about her, which will render her questions / comments irrelevant, in our eyes.  And that is what they have tried to do.  And of course, this is still along with me supposedly being racist, "not understanding The Gambia", being an outsider, etc.  You know, it’s not even about being angry anymore.  I’m starting to find this quite humorous, in an odd sort of way.  But behind all of that, there is still a lot of confusion and angst (yeah I’m starting to like that word I think) involved in all of this.  And this is ontop of the situation in Lebanon, The Gambia, Congo, Palestine, Iraq, and all of the other places where people are hungry, oppressed, afraid, etc.  Anyway, OK, guys, be forewarned, another tangent awaits.  This is in response to someone accusing me of "reopening old wounds", and "really wanting to cause disunity, even though you say you don’t", etc.  This is starting to sound oddly familiar.  But find my message below.  After writing this, I’ve barely posted sense.  And I think I’ll keep it that way for a while.  But another reason I won’t leave the list, is because I don’t want people to have the satisfaction of driving me off.  If I leave, I want to do it, totally because of me, and not because of what someone else supposedly thought of me. And as I said before, I enjoy some of the postings very much.  I guess this probably isn’t the right "spiritual course" to take.  But Allah knows best, so I will make dua and ask for guidance on this.

Message begins:

My intention is not to "disunite" anyone.  What is the criterion for
unity?  It would seem to me that the best way to "unite" is to try to
figure out how we got here in the first place.  To be honest, I think
the opposition should try to find some common ground to unite on.
However, if there is hidden mistrust or rancor between the opposition
leaders that has to be dealt with.  Pretending that it doesn’t exist,
all in the name of "unity", isn’t going to help anyone.

    What I’d also like to point out to you is that last week, I also
mentioned, when someone suggested that "Halifa Sallah only wanted
position" as a condition for reuniting with the UDP/NRP coalition, I
also stated that you can’t just come here and say things like that,
without providing sufficient proof of such.  If you’re going to make
accusations about leaders, be prepared to back them up, or show how or
why you think said politicians "only want position" etc.

    OK, so you say let’s not dwell on the past, however, how can we
balance that with not making the same mistakes in the future?  The
problem I have is if I feel strongly about something I tend to dwell
on it a little too much, and this may cause some to misperceive me.

    The opposition should unite, but however, there has to be mutual
cooperation between the parties, and both sides have to be willing to
compromise.  You can’t have one side throwing accusations at the
other, or trying to push the other side into accepting something which
might hurt them in the long run.

    I think the opposition needs to first be honest with themselves
as to what brought them to this place, and then go from there.

    Having differing parties, with differing viewpoints and
strategies for the way forward to come together and forge a coalition
is an extremely difficult process.

    What I don’t like is the accusations flying, and I don’t care if
it’s against Ousainou Darboe, Hamat Bah, Halifa Sallah, or Sam Sarr,
or whoever.  I think one’s side looks better if they state their case
calmly, rationally, and who don’t stoop to such levels.  If you’re
going to state something publicly at all.

    I think my problem is that the tones of my emails come out an a
different way than what they were intended to convey.  I do my best to
deal with that as best I can.

    The problem I have with the whole "tribalism" accusation is
because in my mind, though this may not be right, I equate the label
of "tribalist" to that of "racist" used here in America.  Many times
the label fits, but many times, it’s used as a way of making people’s
comments, or making them, themselves, irrelevant.  Because once you
lable someone a "racist" or, "tribalist" as the case may be, you’re in
affect saying that what they are saying doesn’t matter, or isn’t
sincere, because the person, to your mind, harbors hatred toward other
groups of people, so their opinions shouldn’t count.

    What bothers me is people making false accusations about someone,
because of their own dislike for said person or their ideas or
policies.  And I’m sorry if mentioning that on a frequent basis
bothers you.

    The idea is to try to get the opposition to reunite.  However,
when you have one side levelling accusations against the other, how is
that to happen in the extremely short time that we have?  If, sadly,
the opposition can’t unite, we have to do the best with what we have
to work with.  As long as people want to keep dwelling on the fact
that NADD broke up, and want to keep dwelling on why, then I don’t see
any reason to stop mentioning what may have led to the break-up.

    Maybe all of us need to learn to move forward.  OK, NADD broke
up, that happened months ago now, how do we all, including myself,
move forward and stop dwelling on the fact that it happened!

    There may be a lot of things I don’t understand about The Gambia,
but the people who seem so willing to hit me over the head with my
lack of understanding about The Gambia, as a way of not making
anything I’ve asked or said worth their time, don’t seem to be doing
anything to help me in my understanding either.

   The thing is, I’m a bit of an easy target.  First, I’m not a
Gambian, secondly I’m a woman (and don’t pretend that something like
that doesn’t mean anything to some of you men).  Thirdly, I’m white
(and I’m sure because of that, with the whole colonial legacy and all,
that makes some of you uncomfortable when I say something).

    So where does that leave me?  Some of you value my opinions, some
of you don’t.  Some of you think I should shut up, and some of you
don’t!  I’m sure some of you hate or dislike me very strongly, and
some of you don’t.

    But what can I do?  I find it very difficult to keep quiet,
because I wasn’t raised that way.  I am reminded of how my father used
to push me to be assertive, to speak my mind, because if I didn’t,
then someone would try to "step on me", as he put it, or try to take
advantage of me, so I had to speak up for myself.  And more so, if I
saw something that I thought was wrong.

    My father used to always tell me to stand up for what I believed
in.  But the problem here, is that the cause of the situation in The
Gambia is, well, a cause that I’m sure many of you feel I have no
business even trying to understand or get involved in.  And many of
you have told me as much, either publicly or privately.

    And if truth be told, many times I feel at a loss.  What do you
do when you care about an issue, and half, if not most, of the people
affected by said issue, it seems, don’t want you involved?  And what
do you do when their reasons for not wanting you involved are
circumstances beyond your control, such as race, color, etc.?  And
what do you do when walking away doesn’t ease your mind about the
issue?

    Yeah, I could disappear today, never say anything publicly about
the issue again, never attend any gatherings, etc., but is that going
to make me feel any better?  The answer is no.  I’m still going to
feel uneasy about the situation.  I’m still going to fear for the
safety of *all* of the opposition members over there, not to mention
the journalists and other people that Yahya Jammeh has deemed to be a
threat to state security this week.

    It isn’t going to matter to many of you on here that I’ve
literally shed tears and lost sleep over this issue and been made
literally sick over the whole thing, because I’m a white woman who’s
(probably many of you think) a closet racist anyway, or at the very
least has the "white colonial mentality but just doesn’t want to admit
it" etc.  So my feelings of unease on this issue don’t matter to many
of you, not only because of this, but because many of you are
suffering worse than I am, because this is your friends, family, and
compatriots who are being affected.  Me, well, aside from my strong
conviction that what is going on in The Gambia is an absolute
travesty, well, I don’t have any friends or family that I’m aware of
in harm’s way.  So I guess what I feel or think doesn’t matter to many
of you.  So I guess you think I should just shut up and go away.

    The question I keep coming back to is, what do I do?  If this is
something that I care about, where do I fit in, especially when so
many people are quick to tell me I don’t fit in anywhere, and no
matter how much I try, I never will, because my color precludes me
from understanding anything.

I’m still trying to figure things out and trying to understand whether
or not I have a place in this whole thing, and more often than not, I
feel like I don’t.
    Maybe I’m too outspoken or abrasive, I don’t know.  Maybe
diplomacy is not my strong suit.  I’m not good at being tactful.
Sometimes things come out in a way in which I never intended them to.
I could go on and on about how I’ve got good intentions and I just
want to help, etc., but really, sometimes you want to help, but you’re
in the way.  And sometimes you have good intentions but you end up
ruining everything you touch.  And maybe that’s me!

    No matter how angry and frustrated and hurt and everything else I
feel about the current situation in The Gambia, it’s not going to
change one iota of what many of you seem to think of me on here.  And
no matter how much I may want to help, perhaps it’s time that I come
to the realization that there is just too many reasons why I *can’t*
do anything for The Gambia.

    I’m not good at fund-raising.  I’m not good at designing and
making T-shirts or bumper stickers or anything like that.  I don’t
know how to initiate dialogue with Congressmen or any other
influential member of the US government, that could actually have the
power to get things done.  And as much as my idealistic side wants to
drop everything over here, jump on a plane and go to The Gambia to
assist the opposition in anyway I can, no matter what threats come to
me, when I think about that, that is just plain silly.  What could I
do over there anyway.  I can only speak English, I’m a definite
outsider so don’t think I could convince anyone.  So what can I do?

    I most certainly don’t have anything to offer except for prayers
and dua, and some don’t even think that is worth anything.  I don’t
think I could convey to anyone the sense of powerlessness I feel when
I watch the unfolding situation in The Gambia.  The emotion, the
anger, the frustration, the edginess, just waiting for the next awful
thing to happen.

    But why should I care about The Gambia?  Well, if I told you guys
it wouldn’t make any kind of sense, so I won’t.  I’m getting too many
conflicting messages, and it’s darn near making me immobile with
indecision.  "you have a lot to offer" vs. "You don’t understand".
"You’re a Gambian"  vs. "You’re an outsider".  "You have a lot to
offer" vs. "You don’t know what you’re talking about".  So which is
it?  I don’t know.  Because just when I think I’ve gotten it all
figured out, another curveball comes from where I least expect it.  I
feel like sometimes I’m in a room where I don’t belong and I can feel
the hateful, glaring stares on me as people either whisper behind my
back or yell and curse at me to get out because I don’t belong here.
And anyone who actually *would* think I belonged there are, for the
most part, silent.

    What can I do?  Some non-Gambians may have it all figured out,
but this non-Gambian is confused half the time and has no idea what
she’es doing the other half.  And I feel like many of you, if not all
of you, enjoy watching me in my utter confusion and non-understanding,
because you enjoy lording that over me.

    I hope you guys are happy, I’m confused, I don’t understand, but
I want to!  There’s a country full of wonderful, beautiful people who
showed me Islam, who gave me that most beautiful gift (or at least
made me open to receiving it later).  See, I told you you wouldn’t
understand if I told you, so I won’t elaborate on that any further.
But anyway, no matter how much I guess I could walk away and find
(another fad to occupy my time) or whatever, well, I can’t.  But I
didn’t think I was supposed to do that.  I thought I was supposed to
care.  But maybe I missed something somewhere.

    I don’t know what else to say, because I can’t change anyone’s
opinions of me.  All I can do is be myself, which, well, I guess isn’t
much!  Whether people have lost faith in me, or don’t respect me
because of something I’ve said or whatever, I don’t know.  As much as,
admittedly, it bothers me, I can’t do anything to change that.  OK, so
there you have it.  Not that it will do any good but you gotta let
thoughts fly forth sometimes.

My intention is not to "disunite" anyone.  What is the criterion for
unity?  It would seem to me that the best way to "unite" is to try to
figure out how we got here in the first place.  To be honest, I think
the opposition should try to find some common ground to unite on.
However, if there is hidden mistrust or rancor between the opposition
leaders that has to be dealt with.  Pretending that it doesn’t exist,
all in the name of "unity", isn’t going to help anyone.

    What I’d also like to point out to you is that last week, I also
mentioned, when someone suggested that "Halifa Sallah only wanted
position" as a condition for reuniting with the UDP/NRP coalition, I
also stated that you can’t just come here and say things like that,
without providing sufficient proof of such.  If you’re going to make
accusations about leaders, be prepared to back them up, or show how or
why you think said politicians "only want position" etc.

    OK, so you say let’s not dwell on the past, however, how can we
balance that with not making the same mistakes in the future?  The
problem I have is if I feel strongly about something I tend to dwell
on it a little too much, and this may cause some to misperceive me.

    The opposition should unite, but however, there has to be mutual
cooperation between the parties, and both sides have to be willing to
compromise.  You can’t have one side throwing accusations at the
other, or trying to push the other side into accepting something which
might hurt them in the long run.

    I think the opposition needs to first be honest with themselves
as to what brought them to this place, and then go from there.

    Having differing parties, with differing viewpoints and
strategies for the way forward to come together and forge a coalition
is an extremely difficult process.

    What I don’t like is the accusations flying, and I don’t care if
it’s against Ousainou Darboe, Hamat Bah, Halifa Sallah, or Sam Sarr,
or whoever.  I think one’s side looks better if they state their case
calmly, rationally, and who don’t stoop to such levels.  If you’re
going to state something publicly at all.

    I think my problem is that the tones of my emails come out an a
different way than what they were intended to convey.  I do my best to
deal with that as best I can.

    The problem I have with the whole "tribalism" accusation is
because in my mind, though this may not be right, I equate the label
of "tribalist" to that of "racist" used here in America.  Many times
the label fits, but many times, it’s used as a way of making people’s
comments, or making them, themselves, irrelevant.  Because once you
lable someone a "racist" or, "tribalist" as the case may be, you’re in
affect saying that what they are saying doesn’t matter, or isn’t
sincere, because the person, to your mind, harbors hatred toward other
groups of people, so their opinions shouldn’t count.

    What bothers me is people making false accusations about someone,
because of their own dislike for said person or their ideas or
policies.  And I’m sorry if mentioning that on a frequent basis
bothers you.

    The idea is to try to get the opposition to reunite.  However,
when you have one side levelling accusations against the other, how is
that to happen in the extremely short time that we have?  If, sadly,
the opposition can’t unite, we have to do the best with what we have
to work with.  As long as people want to keep dwelling on the fact
that NADD broke up, and want to keep dwelling on why, then I don’t see
any reason to stop mentioning what may have led to the break-up.

    Maybe all of us need to learn to move forward.  OK, NADD broke
up, that happened months ago now, how do we all, including myself,
move forward and stop dwelling on the fact that it happened!

    There may be a lot of things I don’t understand about The Gambia,
but the people who seem so willing to hit me over the head with my
lack of understanding about The Gambia, as a way of not making
anything I’ve asked or said worth their time, don’t seem to be doing
anything to help me in my understanding either.

   The thing is, I’m a bit of an easy target.  First, I’m not a
Gambian, secondly I’m a woman (and don’t pretend that something like
that doesn’t mean anything to some of you men).  Thirdly, I’m white
(and I’m sure because of that, with the whole colonial legacy and all,
that makes some of you uncomfortable when I say something).

    So where does that leave me?  Some of you value my opinions, some
of you don’t.  Some of you think I should shut up, and some of you
don’t!  I’m sure some of you hate or dislike me very strongly, and
some of you don’t.

    But what can I do?  I find it very difficult to keep quiet,
because I wasn’t raised that way.  I am reminded of how my father used
to push me to be assertive, to speak my mind, because if I didn’t,
then someone would try to "step on me", as he put it, or try to take
advantage of me, so I had to speak up for myself.  And more so, if I
saw something that I thought was wrong.

    My father used to always tell me to stand up for what I believed
in.  But the problem here, is that the cause of the situation in The
Gambia is, well, a cause that I’m sure many of you feel I have no
business even trying to understand or get involved in.  And many of
you have told me as much, either publicly or privately.

    And if truth be told, many times I feel at a loss.  What do you
do when you care about an issue, and half, if not most, of the people
affected by said issue, it seems, don’t want you involved?  And what
do you do when their reasons for not wanting you involved are
circumstances beyond your control, such as race, color, etc.?  And
what do you do when walking away doesn’t ease your mind about the
issue?

    Yeah, I could disappear today, never say anything publicly about
the issue again, never attend any gatherings, etc., but is that going
to make me feel any better?  The answer is no.  I’m still going to
feel uneasy about the situation.  I’m still going to fear for the
safety of *all* of the opposition members over there, not to mention
the journalists and other people that Yahya Jammeh has deemed to be a
threat to state security this week.

    It isn’t going to matter to many of you on here that I’ve
literally shed tears and lost sleep over this issue and been made
literally sick over the whole thing, because I’m a white woman who’s
(probably many of you think) a closet racist anyway, or at the very
least has the "white colonial mentality but just doesn’t want to admit
it" etc.  So my feelings of unease on this issue don’t matter to many
of you, not only because of this, but because many of you are
suffering worse than I am, because this is your friends, family, and
compatriots who are being affected.  Me, well, aside from my strong
conviction that what is going on in The Gambia is an absolute
travesty, well, I don’t have any friends or family that I’m aware of
in harm’s way.  So I guess what I feel or think doesn’t matter to many
of you.  So I guess you think I should just shut up and go away.

    The question I keep coming back to is, what do I do?  If this is
something that I care about, where do I fit in, especially when so
many people are quick to tell me I don’t fit in anywhere, and no
matter how much I try, I never will, because my color precludes me
from understanding anything.

I’m still trying to figure things out and trying to understand whether
or not I have a place in this whole thing, and more often than not, I
feel like I don’t.
    Maybe I’m too outspoken or abrasive, I don’t know.  Maybe
diplomacy is not my strong suit.  I’m not good at being tactful.
Sometimes things come out in a way in which I never intended them to.
I could go on and on about how I’ve got good intentions and I just
want to help, etc., but really, sometimes you want to help, but you’re
in the way.  And sometimes you have good intentions but you end up
ruining everything you touch.  And maybe that’s me!

    No matter how angry and frustrated and hurt and everything else I
feel about the current situation in The Gambia, it’s not going to
change one iota of what many of you seem to think of me on here.  And
no matter how much I may want to help, perhaps it’s time that I come
to the realization that there is just too many reasons why I *can’t*
do anything for The Gambia.

    I’m not good at fund-raising.  I’m not good at designing and
making T-shirts or bumper stickers or anything like that.  I don’t
know how to initiate dialogue with Congressmen or any other
influential member of the US government, that could actually have the
power to get things done.  And as much as my idealistic side wants to
drop everything over here, jump on a plane and go to The Gambia to
assist the opposition in anyway I can, no matter what threats come to
me, when I think about that, that is just plain silly.  What could I
do over there anyway.  I can only speak English, I’m a definite
outsider so don’t think I could convince anyone.  So what can I do?

    I most certainly don’t have anything to offer except for prayers
and dua, and some don’t even think that is worth anything.  I don’t
think I could convey to anyone the sense of powerlessness I feel when
I watch the unfolding situation in The Gambia.  The emotion, the
anger, the frustration, the edginess, just waiting for the next awful
thing to happen.

    But why should I care about The Gambia?  Well, if I told you guys
it wouldn’t make any kind of sense, so I won’t.  I’m getting too many
conflicting messages, and it’s darn near making me immobile with
indecision.  "you have a lot to offer" vs. "You don’t understand".
"You’re a Gambian"  vs. "You’re an outsider".  "You have a lot to
offer" vs. "You don’t know what you’re talking about".  So which is
it?  I don’t know.  Because just when I think I’ve gotten it all
figured out, another curveball comes from where I least expect it.  I
feel like sometimes I’m in a room where I don’t belong and I can feel
the hateful, glaring stares on me as people either whisper behind my
back or yell and curse at me to get out because I don’t belong here.
And anyone who actually *would* think I belonged there are, for the
most part, silent.

    What can I do?  Some non-Gambians may have it all figured out,
but this non-Gambian is confused half the time and has no idea what
she’es doing the other half.  And I feel like many of you, if not all
of you, enjoy watching me in my utter confusion and non-understanding,
because you enjoy lording that over me.

    I hope you guys are happy, I’m confused, I don’t understand, but
I want to!  There’s a country full of wonderful, beautiful people who
showed me Islam, who gave me that most beautiful gift (or at least
made me open to receiving it later).  See, I told you you wouldn’t
understand if I told you, so I won’t elaborate on that any further.
But anyway, no matter how much I guess I could walk away and find
(another fad to occupy my time) or whatever, well, I can’t.  But I
didn’t think I was supposed to do that.  I thought I was supposed to
care.  But maybe I missed something somewhere.

    I don’t know what else to say, because I can’t change anyone’s
opinions of me.  All I can do is be myself, which, well, I guess isn’t
much!  Whether people have lost faith in me, or don’t respect me
because of something I’ve said or whatever, I don’t know.  As much as,
admittedly, it bothers me, I can’t do anything to change that.  OK, so
there you have it.  Not that it will do any good but you gotta let
thoughts fly forth sometimes.

     Assalamu alaikum / greetings, You know, I’ve been thinking about writing an article like this for some time.  What actually happened was, I’d started to write an article about my frustrations about dealing with, well, how do I say this?  Well, let’s just say, dealing with the pitfalls, I guess you could say, of being a Muslim convert.  Then, while writing that article, it turned in to my angst about my interest in Gambian / African issues.  And then, I realized that I was just rehashing the same old things I’d been rehashing, and I thought, well, it’s not going to do any good to do that.  Especially since I was working on this article the week before meeting Mr. Hamat Bah.  And after that weekend, well, I’d just had too good of a weekend, meeting all of the wonderful people in Nashville, to then turn around and post such a negative article as that. 

     The thing is, sometimes the thoughts that I express openly are not necessarily reflective of my true feelings.  The really bad thing is, sometimes I think or say things in anger, because I’m hurt so I want others to hurt too.  So I’ll sometimes come out with the most hurtful things.  And this can sometimes be misconstrued in a very bad way.  And once you say something, once it’s out there, you can’t go and take it back, or try to explain things.  An example of this is when I got into, what turned out to be an extremely contentious debate, about Islam, Arabs, slaves, Africans, and everything even remotely related to that.  It was a very public debate, and in the end it got so contentious, that I ended up saying some things that were very hurtful, and to be quite blunt, may have, and I’m sure for a fact did, coming from me, come across as racist / prejudicial.  And then, once it happened, there was no way I could take it back.  No matter how much "explaining" I tried to do, it wasn’t going to help me.  I still feel badly about that.  Because in my anger at the debate I was having, and the hurtful things thrown my way, well, I just wanted to give it right back.  However, in so doing, I ended up painting myself in a light which was not reflective of my true feelings, though I’m sure that many didn’t think so. 

     Which then made me start to wonder if I was indeed a closet racist, or had prejudicial skeletons somewhere in my deep, dark closet, that I didn’t want to admit to.  Anyway, so where was I going with this?  Oh, yeah, so I didn’t want to rehash the "Oh being a convert can be so frustrating" bit, or the "boo-hoo, I want to be involved in Gambian issues, but woe is me!  What do I do, no one seems to like me" trip either.  Well, I just went on another one of those trips the day before yesterday I think it was.  I’m starting to think that there are certain times that I should be banned from posting anything online.  And I won’t go into when those "times" are exactly, because that’s just getting a wee bit too personal.

     But anyway, I was thinking about being Muslim, and then being blind, and then being blind and Muslim, and then, well, I started thinking as to how I got to this point.  And inevitably, my mind went back to the time I call my "blind school days".  This refers to the time, between 1980 and 1994, that I attended the Indiana School for the Blind, from Kindergarten, all the way up to high school.

     As can be expected, this time had a profound affect on my life, and sometimes, not in the most positive of ways.  And I think here is where my struggle truly begins.  It didn’t begin with going to The Gambia, becoming Muslim, or subscribing to any number of the online forums dealing with Gambian issues.  I don’t think it even began during my abusive marriage.  These later events were, well, a continuation or at least, a realization that I had this struggle that I was fighting within me.

     So anyway…   I don’t think I had too much trouble the first few years of school.  In fact, I remember during my third grade year, telling my houseparent, during a meeting with her, where she went over my dorm report which was to be sent home to my parents, that I thought I was maturing.  I said that I liked the direction things were going.  I said that I thought I was finally starting to get the hang of things, and that I looked forward to doing better.  It was shortly after that that things started to take a turn for the worse, I think.

     This houseparent, who had been so supportive of me, went on maternity leave, and another houseparent came in to take her place.  She was OK, but there were things about her style that I didn’t like, namely, punishing the whole dorm of us, for the actions of either one or a few of us, to name just one thing!  I remember when I asked her why she did this, she mentioned something about "one bad apple spoiling the bunch" or something like that.  Which to me just didn’t make any sense, so there was nothing I could do about it, but yell at someone else in the dorm if I saw them doing something they were not supposed to do, because if they got into trouble, we all would. 

     I also remember this one houseparent, I’ll call her Miss D.  I’d had her as a substitute houseparent, and you know how you meet people, and well, you know from the start you don’t like them?  That every time you see them coming you just want to run from them?  This was how this woman made me feel.  I remember thanking God she wasn’t my houseparent.  Well, anyway, toward the end of my third grade year, one day as I was walking down the hall going to dinner, I think it was, or maybe it was walking back to my dorm, I don’t remember now.  But she came walking toward me saying, "Guess whose going to be your houseparent next year?"  I asked who, dreading the answer and sort of hoping it wasn’t going to be her, though knowing it was.  And she said, "I am."  And the tone in her voice frightened me.  It had that tone, as if to say, "Just wait until I get a hold of you."  And I was afraid. 

     So anyway, the next year came, and I started the fourth grade. and just as I’d feared, this woman had it in for me almost from the first day I came back to school.  The next two and a half years or so, consisted of a series of "lectures" or events, where I was told in no uncertain terms that pretty much *nothing* I did was right or good enough.  According to this woman, I talked too much, I laughed at stupid things, I talked of things no one cared about, etc., etc.  She thought it was weird because I liked spending time by myself.  She thought it was weird that I talked to myself while playing with my dolls.  She thought it was stupid that I’d come back from home and talk about my brother, or my dog, or what my family did over the weekend.  And she’d openly say as much. 

     "Who cares about what your dog or your brother did".  and she’d say this right in front of other students.  And this had never happened to me before, and not only this, other kids talked about the same things.  So what was wrong with what I was saying?

     And what was also weird about the whole thing is that after she’d spent the whole day belittling me, and I’d guess other students to, though I know it was worse for me and at least one of the other students, she’d come around, every night before we all went to sleep, and give us hugs.  Now, how is that for sending mixed messages.

     And the thing was, it seemed like everyone else seemed to like her except me.  I started to think that maybe there was something wrong with me.  Maybe I did talk to much, or laugh at the wrong things or "dumb things".  Maybe I was stupid.  Maybe no one did care what I had to say.  And why didn’t someone tell me before this?

     I remember her telling me once that most people wouldn’t speak the truth to you, to your face, but that they’d tell you what they thought you wanted to hear.  But she, on the other hand, was going to be honest with me, and tell me the truth, and tell me what people really thought of me, but were not going to say to my face for fear of hurting me, and that some day, I would thank her for it. 

     "Some day you’re going to thank me for all of this," she’d say.  "You might not be thanking me now, you’d probably hate me now, but I’m not here to win a popularity contest."   

     And you know, at the time, I actually thought that maybe I would be thanking her.  But anyway, I started to tell my parents about all that was happening and they weren’t too happy about it.  They’d tried to tell the school what was going on, and ask them to do something about it, but they wouldn’t.  Instead, they made suggestions that I was lying about what was going on, or that maybe I didn’t remember things correctly, or that I was just mad because I’d done something wrong and gotten in trouble for it and was just mad and wanted to get back at my houseparent.

     So, since the school didn’t seem to want to address my parents’ concerns, my parents considered pulling me out of the blind school, and sending me to public school at home!  All of a sudden, what was happening to me became a big deal to the school.  I remember one time, they called me out of class, and took me to the teachers’ lounge.  Miss W, I’ll call her, was there, along with the dean of students, who supervised the residential section of the school.  I’d wondered why he was there.  I think maybe the head of the elementary school department was there too, but I can’t remember now.

     But what I do remember was being told how I’d never make it in public school.  "How are you going to do your work?"  They’d ask me.  "I’ll type up my work,"  I’d answered.  "My mom is teaching me how to type at home."  "Oh, but the kids are going to tease you, you might have problems with the teachers even,"  they retorted back.  And then they went on to narrate to me how awful public school was and how I’d never make it out there in the big, bad sighted world, and how I’d had it so easy there at the blind school, and things would be so different in public school, and they’d get so bad that I’d want to come back there.

    So, ontop of my houseparent telling me, well, pretty much that I can’t do anything right, these people have also joined in the fray, and are telling me that if I even dare to leave the blind school, that I’m not going to make it.

     I remember feeling upset and angry.  I was disappointed that, as a totally blind woman, that Miss W was being so negative also.  But she’d also went to the blind school her whole life, so I was thinking that she was just towing the party line, so to speak, but it still hurt, because I had looked up to her and admired her. 

     This was also around the time that Miss D, the house parent, had gotten me, and another girl who was having worse problems with Miss D than I was, up out of bed, after all the other kids had gone to bed, and sat us down in the houseparent’s office, with one of the supervisors, and made us tell them *everything* we’d told our parents about Miss D.  That was awful!  We cried, we were afraid to speak, and they made us anyway.  And we just begged to go to bed!  They said stuff like, "Pretend we’re your parents."  I tried but it just didn’t work.  It was awful, and I think it was like 10:30 at night, before they let us go to bed, and our normal bed time, at that time, was 8:30.

     And of course, during that whole episode, we were told how what we said was wrong, how we were lying to our parents, and why would we do such things to people who had tried to be so good to us, and who were really acting in our best interests, etc. 

     I’m not sure how this all turned out.  I think Miss D almost lost her job over this, because after my parents complained, other parents started complaining to, and I remember once, when Miss D had once again called me into her office for one of her "lectures", she said to me suddenly one day, "You know I almost quit my job over you?"  "But I didn’t, you’re not going to get rid of me that easily."  What I think honestly happened, and I’ heard this later, was that the deen of students had threatened to fire her.  I think what happened was she was being watched, and I think someone over heard her saying something, and complained about it.

     But Allah knows best about that.  What I can say for sure is the absolutely profound affect this had on my life afterwords.  I wasn’t the same person after this!  I doubted myself immensely.  When before this, my self-esteem was pretty good, now, I started doubting everything.  I was afraid to talk, because I was scared that people would think that I was talking too much, just like she did.  I was afraid to laugh at things, because I would think that maybe I was being stupid.  I was afraid to say that I didn’t want to play a game that the next houseparent I had had suggested, because I was thinking that she would act the same way that Miss D had acted.

     I began to feel the need to explain everything.  If I didn’t want to do something, I’d launch into this long, drawn-out explanation of why I didn’t want to do such-and-such, when simply, a "no" would have sufficed.

     As I got older, I did my best to learn to sort things out, but this houseparent was still around and still would occasionally find ways to torment me!  And I’m not sure exactly why, or what I’d done to her, which made her treate me the way that she had.  Because I’m almost sure she didn’t treat other kids like this! 

     But that period of my life, from the time I was 10, until the time I was 12, left an indelible impact on my life!  I really believe that this is where my issues of self-esteem, self-worth, all of that, stem from.  What I’ve struggled with is how to get past this and try to put some closure to it.  because, "just get over it", just doesn’t work.

     Because not only have  I had to deal with the normal issues of self-esteem, coupled with dealing with the challenges which come with being blind, I also had to deal with the after-affects of this woman’s words and the way she treated me, rampaging through my life.

     For years, I could still hear her voice in my head.  I still can sometimes.  And I still deal with issues of self-doubt, and I often wonder if people really like me, or if they are pretending to, just like she told me, only because they feel sorry for me and are just trying to be nice.

     What has been worse, though, for me, is having to deal with my ex-husband, who often reminded me of her, when he would tell me how stupid I was, or how I was a liar, hypocrite, etc.  And I started to once again think that she was right about me and that all the things she had said to me were true after all. 

     And I’m just not sure how to deal with all of this, and how to put it behind me, and learn to move past it.  Dua and dhikr sure couldn’t hurt, and having trust in Allah has definitely helped with this.  But I’ve often wondered if counselling isn’t in order.  But then, there’s this part of me that says, "Oh no, I can’t do that!  Because then, well, maybe I just don’t have enough faith."  Or, maybe it’ll just prove to people that I am crazy. 

     The thing is, that I feel that this incident as a child, coupled with my abusive marriage, has caused me, at various times of my life, to go through a series of, well, almost like mild depressions.  I don’t know how to explain it.  But when you start thinking you’re nothing, and you start thinking that others think that way too, well, you could most likely see where that could lead. 

     I just started thinking about all of this when I read Sunni Sister’s "Every Mother’s Nightmare" post.  And I started looking at myself and wondering if all of this angst and unresolved issues in my life will make me go over the edge one day.  And it frightened me.  But anyway, I think this is enough writing on this for one day.  Inshallah, maybe I’ll come back to this another time.

Link: USGS Fact Sheet 131-02: Earthquake Hazard in the Heart of the Homeland.