Assalamu alaikum, so why do I keep doing this to myself? The answer is, I don’t know! I want to say, "but I just can’t resist", but it’s not like anyone is forcing me to stay on an email list, or engage in discussions with anyone. But is it worth staying on the list, for the few refreshing discussions that do take place, as well as for the listing of events and gatherings and other interesting tidbits? Is continuing to stay on worth all of this "confusion", that I seem to be feeling? Yeah, I like the list, for the interesting people on there, the interesting discussions that have taken place. But sometimes, I think, "Is it really worth it"? Is it helpful to my spirituality, to my nafs, to stay on a list like this? Well, I’m still there, so I can’t really complain or ask for pitty from anyone. The truth is, it’s the fear of "missing something", that keeps me there. I don’t want to miss Haruna’s next interesting post, or George’s posting of the latest health article about how eating fruit is going to help, whatever, I can’t remember what that article was about, to cite two examples (what happened to George’s interesting articles anyway?). But, as I’d said before, or maybe I haven’t, it’s the interesting articles, a person’s humorous comments, or someone’s rational, mature, calm analysis of the current situation in The Gambia, devoid of any name-calling, cursing, or insults, that has kept me a member of this list, when I probably should have long sense left, if not for my own sanity, maybe for everyone else’s.
But I have to tell you the latest, guys. OK, I’ve come to terms with having my Islam and my character called into question, because of an opinion I’ve expressed. I think I’ve come to terms with being called an "outsider", or even a "racist", etc. But you guys want to know what the latest thing is? Now, it’s the accusation that I’m not even the author of my own words! Yep, you guys have read /heard right! Now, I’m being accused of forwarding someone else’s words, under my name and from my email account, to the Gambia Post, ostensibly because said supposed "real" author of the emails doesn’t have the "backbone" to post them on his own!
No matter that I’ve never and would never do something like that, and if I ever was going to forward any email from anyone I’d make it clear that I was doing so, and wouldn’t make people to think that they were my words when they weren’t.
So there you have it. How do you respond to something like that? You know, admittedly, I was a little indignant, of course. But I also found it quite humorous. I mean, it was once again the same old reframe. Let’s not address what Ginny is saying, but let’s just once again launch into how wrong she is, and find something "bad" about her, which will render her questions / comments irrelevant, in our eyes. And that is what they have tried to do. And of course, this is still along with me supposedly being racist, "not understanding The Gambia", being an outsider, etc. You know, it’s not even about being angry anymore. I’m starting to find this quite humorous, in an odd sort of way. But behind all of that, there is still a lot of confusion and angst (yeah I’m starting to like that word I think) involved in all of this. And this is ontop of the situation in Lebanon, The Gambia, Congo, Palestine, Iraq, and all of the other places where people are hungry, oppressed, afraid, etc. Anyway, OK, guys, be forewarned, another tangent awaits. This is in response to someone accusing me of "reopening old wounds", and "really wanting to cause disunity, even though you say you don’t", etc. This is starting to sound oddly familiar. But find my message below. After writing this, I’ve barely posted sense. And I think I’ll keep it that way for a while. But another reason I won’t leave the list, is because I don’t want people to have the satisfaction of driving me off. If I leave, I want to do it, totally because of me, and not because of what someone else supposedly thought of me. And as I said before, I enjoy some of the postings very much. I guess this probably isn’t the right "spiritual course" to take. But Allah knows best, so I will make dua and ask for guidance on this.
Message begins:
My intention is not to "disunite" anyone. What is the criterion for
unity? It would seem to me that the best way to "unite" is to try to
figure out how we got here in the first place. To be honest, I think
the opposition should try to find some common ground to unite on.
However, if there is hidden mistrust or rancor between the opposition
leaders that has to be dealt with. Pretending that it doesn’t exist,
all in the name of "unity", isn’t going to help anyone.
What I’d also like to point out to you is that last week, I also
mentioned, when someone suggested that "Halifa Sallah only wanted
position" as a condition for reuniting with the UDP/NRP coalition, I
also stated that you can’t just come here and say things like that,
without providing sufficient proof of such. If you’re going to make
accusations about leaders, be prepared to back them up, or show how or
why you think said politicians "only want position" etc.
OK, so you say let’s not dwell on the past, however, how can we
balance that with not making the same mistakes in the future? The
problem I have is if I feel strongly about something I tend to dwell
on it a little too much, and this may cause some to misperceive me.
The opposition should unite, but however, there has to be mutual
cooperation between the parties, and both sides have to be willing to
compromise. You can’t have one side throwing accusations at the
other, or trying to push the other side into accepting something which
might hurt them in the long run.
I think the opposition needs to first be honest with themselves
as to what brought them to this place, and then go from there.
Having differing parties, with differing viewpoints and
strategies for the way forward to come together and forge a coalition
is an extremely difficult process.
What I don’t like is the accusations flying, and I don’t care if
it’s against Ousainou Darboe, Hamat Bah, Halifa Sallah, or Sam Sarr,
or whoever. I think one’s side looks better if they state their case
calmly, rationally, and who don’t stoop to such levels. If you’re
going to state something publicly at all.
I think my problem is that the tones of my emails come out an a
different way than what they were intended to convey. I do my best to
deal with that as best I can.
The problem I have with the whole "tribalism" accusation is
because in my mind, though this may not be right, I equate the label
of "tribalist" to that of "racist" used here in America. Many times
the label fits, but many times, it’s used as a way of making people’s
comments, or making them, themselves, irrelevant. Because once you
lable someone a "racist" or, "tribalist" as the case may be, you’re in
affect saying that what they are saying doesn’t matter, or isn’t
sincere, because the person, to your mind, harbors hatred toward other
groups of people, so their opinions shouldn’t count.
What bothers me is people making false accusations about someone,
because of their own dislike for said person or their ideas or
policies. And I’m sorry if mentioning that on a frequent basis
bothers you.
The idea is to try to get the opposition to reunite. However,
when you have one side levelling accusations against the other, how is
that to happen in the extremely short time that we have? If, sadly,
the opposition can’t unite, we have to do the best with what we have
to work with. As long as people want to keep dwelling on the fact
that NADD broke up, and want to keep dwelling on why, then I don’t see
any reason to stop mentioning what may have led to the break-up.
Maybe all of us need to learn to move forward. OK, NADD broke
up, that happened months ago now, how do we all, including myself,
move forward and stop dwelling on the fact that it happened!
There may be a lot of things I don’t understand about The Gambia,
but the people who seem so willing to hit me over the head with my
lack of understanding about The Gambia, as a way of not making
anything I’ve asked or said worth their time, don’t seem to be doing
anything to help me in my understanding either.
The thing is, I’m a bit of an easy target. First, I’m not a
Gambian, secondly I’m a woman (and don’t pretend that something like
that doesn’t mean anything to some of you men). Thirdly, I’m white
(and I’m sure because of that, with the whole colonial legacy and all,
that makes some of you uncomfortable when I say something).
So where does that leave me? Some of you value my opinions, some
of you don’t. Some of you think I should shut up, and some of you
don’t! I’m sure some of you hate or dislike me very strongly, and
some of you don’t.
But what can I do? I find it very difficult to keep quiet,
because I wasn’t raised that way. I am reminded of how my father used
to push me to be assertive, to speak my mind, because if I didn’t,
then someone would try to "step on me", as he put it, or try to take
advantage of me, so I had to speak up for myself. And more so, if I
saw something that I thought was wrong.
My father used to always tell me to stand up for what I believed
in. But the problem here, is that the cause of the situation in The
Gambia is, well, a cause that I’m sure many of you feel I have no
business even trying to understand or get involved in. And many of
you have told me as much, either publicly or privately.
And if truth be told, many times I feel at a loss. What do you
do when you care about an issue, and half, if not most, of the people
affected by said issue, it seems, don’t want you involved? And what
do you do when their reasons for not wanting you involved are
circumstances beyond your control, such as race, color, etc.? And
what do you do when walking away doesn’t ease your mind about the
issue?
Yeah, I could disappear today, never say anything publicly about
the issue again, never attend any gatherings, etc., but is that going
to make me feel any better? The answer is no. I’m still going to
feel uneasy about the situation. I’m still going to fear for the
safety of *all* of the opposition members over there, not to mention
the journalists and other people that Yahya Jammeh has deemed to be a
threat to state security this week.
It isn’t going to matter to many of you on here that I’ve
literally shed tears and lost sleep over this issue and been made
literally sick over the whole thing, because I’m a white woman who’s
(probably many of you think) a closet racist anyway, or at the very
least has the "white colonial mentality but just doesn’t want to admit
it" etc. So my feelings of unease on this issue don’t matter to many
of you, not only because of this, but because many of you are
suffering worse than I am, because this is your friends, family, and
compatriots who are being affected. Me, well, aside from my strong
conviction that what is going on in The Gambia is an absolute
travesty, well, I don’t have any friends or family that I’m aware of
in harm’s way. So I guess what I feel or think doesn’t matter to many
of you. So I guess you think I should just shut up and go away.
The question I keep coming back to is, what do I do? If this is
something that I care about, where do I fit in, especially when so
many people are quick to tell me I don’t fit in anywhere, and no
matter how much I try, I never will, because my color precludes me
from understanding anything.
I’m still trying to figure things out and trying to understand whether
or not I have a place in this whole thing, and more often than not, I
feel like I don’t.
Maybe I’m too outspoken or abrasive, I don’t know. Maybe
diplomacy is not my strong suit. I’m not good at being tactful.
Sometimes things come out in a way in which I never intended them to.
I could go on and on about how I’ve got good intentions and I just
want to help, etc., but really, sometimes you want to help, but you’re
in the way. And sometimes you have good intentions but you end up
ruining everything you touch. And maybe that’s me!
No matter how angry and frustrated and hurt and everything else I
feel about the current situation in The Gambia, it’s not going to
change one iota of what many of you seem to think of me on here. And
no matter how much I may want to help, perhaps it’s time that I come
to the realization that there is just too many reasons why I *can’t*
do anything for The Gambia.
I’m not good at fund-raising. I’m not good at designing and
making T-shirts or bumper stickers or anything like that. I don’t
know how to initiate dialogue with Congressmen or any other
influential member of the US government, that could actually have the
power to get things done. And as much as my idealistic side wants to
drop everything over here, jump on a plane and go to The Gambia to
assist the opposition in anyway I can, no matter what threats come to
me, when I think about that, that is just plain silly. What could I
do over there anyway. I can only speak English, I’m a definite
outsider so don’t think I could convince anyone. So what can I do?
I most certainly don’t have anything to offer except for prayers
and dua, and some don’t even think that is worth anything. I don’t
think I could convey to anyone the sense of powerlessness I feel when
I watch the unfolding situation in The Gambia. The emotion, the
anger, the frustration, the edginess, just waiting for the next awful
thing to happen.
But why should I care about The Gambia? Well, if I told you guys
it wouldn’t make any kind of sense, so I won’t. I’m getting too many
conflicting messages, and it’s darn near making me immobile with
indecision. "you have a lot to offer" vs. "You don’t understand".
"You’re a Gambian" vs. "You’re an outsider". "You have a lot to
offer" vs. "You don’t know what you’re talking about". So which is
it? I don’t know. Because just when I think I’ve gotten it all
figured out, another curveball comes from where I least expect it. I
feel like sometimes I’m in a room where I don’t belong and I can feel
the hateful, glaring stares on me as people either whisper behind my
back or yell and curse at me to get out because I don’t belong here.
And anyone who actually *would* think I belonged there are, for the
most part, silent.
What can I do? Some non-Gambians may have it all figured out,
but this non-Gambian is confused half the time and has no idea what
she’es doing the other half. And I feel like many of you, if not all
of you, enjoy watching me in my utter confusion and non-understanding,
because you enjoy lording that over me.
I hope you guys are happy, I’m confused, I don’t understand, but
I want to! There’s a country full of wonderful, beautiful people who
showed me Islam, who gave me that most beautiful gift (or at least
made me open to receiving it later). See, I told you you wouldn’t
understand if I told you, so I won’t elaborate on that any further.
But anyway, no matter how much I guess I could walk away and find
(another fad to occupy my time) or whatever, well, I can’t. But I
didn’t think I was supposed to do that. I thought I was supposed to
care. But maybe I missed something somewhere.
I don’t know what else to say, because I can’t change anyone’s
opinions of me. All I can do is be myself, which, well, I guess isn’t
much! Whether people have lost faith in me, or don’t respect me
because of something I’ve said or whatever, I don’t know. As much as,
admittedly, it bothers me, I can’t do anything to change that. OK, so
there you have it. Not that it will do any good but you gotta let
thoughts fly forth sometimes.
My intention is not to "disunite" anyone. What is the criterion for
unity? It would seem to me that the best way to "unite" is to try to
figure out how we got here in the first place. To be honest, I think
the opposition should try to find some common ground to unite on.
However, if there is hidden mistrust or rancor between the opposition
leaders that has to be dealt with. Pretending that it doesn’t exist,
all in the name of "unity", isn’t going to help anyone.
What I’d also like to point out to you is that last week, I also
mentioned, when someone suggested that "Halifa Sallah only wanted
position" as a condition for reuniting with the UDP/NRP coalition, I
also stated that you can’t just come here and say things like that,
without providing sufficient proof of such. If you’re going to make
accusations about leaders, be prepared to back them up, or show how or
why you think said politicians "only want position" etc.
OK, so you say let’s not dwell on the past, however, how can we
balance that with not making the same mistakes in the future? The
problem I have is if I feel strongly about something I tend to dwell
on it a little too much, and this may cause some to misperceive me.
The opposition should unite, but however, there has to be mutual
cooperation between the parties, and both sides have to be willing to
compromise. You can’t have one side throwing accusations at the
other, or trying to push the other side into accepting something which
might hurt them in the long run.
I think the opposition needs to first be honest with themselves
as to what brought them to this place, and then go from there.
Having differing parties, with differing viewpoints and
strategies for the way forward to come together and forge a coalition
is an extremely difficult process.
What I don’t like is the accusations flying, and I don’t care if
it’s against Ousainou Darboe, Hamat Bah, Halifa Sallah, or Sam Sarr,
or whoever. I think one’s side looks better if they state their case
calmly, rationally, and who don’t stoop to such levels. If you’re
going to state something publicly at all.
I think my problem is that the tones of my emails come out an a
different way than what they were intended to convey. I do my best to
deal with that as best I can.
The problem I have with the whole "tribalism" accusation is
because in my mind, though this may not be right, I equate the label
of "tribalist" to that of "racist" used here in America. Many times
the label fits, but many times, it’s used as a way of making people’s
comments, or making them, themselves, irrelevant. Because once you
lable someone a "racist" or, "tribalist" as the case may be, you’re in
affect saying that what they are saying doesn’t matter, or isn’t
sincere, because the person, to your mind, harbors hatred toward other
groups of people, so their opinions shouldn’t count.
What bothers me is people making false accusations about someone,
because of their own dislike for said person or their ideas or
policies. And I’m sorry if mentioning that on a frequent basis
bothers you.
The idea is to try to get the opposition to reunite. However,
when you have one side levelling accusations against the other, how is
that to happen in the extremely short time that we have? If, sadly,
the opposition can’t unite, we have to do the best with what we have
to work with. As long as people want to keep dwelling on the fact
that NADD broke up, and want to keep dwelling on why, then I don’t see
any reason to stop mentioning what may have led to the break-up.
Maybe all of us need to learn to move forward. OK, NADD broke
up, that happened months ago now, how do we all, including myself,
move forward and stop dwelling on the fact that it happened!
There may be a lot of things I don’t understand about The Gambia,
but the people who seem so willing to hit me over the head with my
lack of understanding about The Gambia, as a way of not making
anything I’ve asked or said worth their time, don’t seem to be doing
anything to help me in my understanding either.
The thing is, I’m a bit of an easy target. First, I’m not a
Gambian, secondly I’m a woman (and don’t pretend that something like
that doesn’t mean anything to some of you men). Thirdly, I’m white
(and I’m sure because of that, with the whole colonial legacy and all,
that makes some of you uncomfortable when I say something).
So where does that leave me? Some of you value my opinions, some
of you don’t. Some of you think I should shut up, and some of you
don’t! I’m sure some of you hate or dislike me very strongly, and
some of you don’t.
But what can I do? I find it very difficult to keep quiet,
because I wasn’t raised that way. I am reminded of how my father used
to push me to be assertive, to speak my mind, because if I didn’t,
then someone would try to "step on me", as he put it, or try to take
advantage of me, so I had to speak up for myself. And more so, if I
saw something that I thought was wrong.
My father used to always tell me to stand up for what I believed
in. But the problem here, is that the cause of the situation in The
Gambia is, well, a cause that I’m sure many of you feel I have no
business even trying to understand or get involved in. And many of
you have told me as much, either publicly or privately.
And if truth be told, many times I feel at a loss. What do you
do when you care about an issue, and half, if not most, of the people
affected by said issue, it seems, don’t want you involved? And what
do you do when their reasons for not wanting you involved are
circumstances beyond your control, such as race, color, etc.? And
what do you do when walking away doesn’t ease your mind about the
issue?
Yeah, I could disappear today, never say anything publicly about
the issue again, never attend any gatherings, etc., but is that going
to make me feel any better? The answer is no. I’m still going to
feel uneasy about the situation. I’m still going to fear for the
safety of *all* of the opposition members over there, not to mention
the journalists and other people that Yahya Jammeh has deemed to be a
threat to state security this week.
It isn’t going to matter to many of you on here that I’ve
literally shed tears and lost sleep over this issue and been made
literally sick over the whole thing, because I’m a white woman who’s
(probably many of you think) a closet racist anyway, or at the very
least has the "white colonial mentality but just doesn’t want to admit
it" etc. So my feelings of unease on this issue don’t matter to many
of you, not only because of this, but because many of you are
suffering worse than I am, because this is your friends, family, and
compatriots who are being affected. Me, well, aside from my strong
conviction that what is going on in The Gambia is an absolute
travesty, well, I don’t have any friends or family that I’m aware of
in harm’s way. So I guess what I feel or think doesn’t matter to many
of you. So I guess you think I should just shut up and go away.
The question I keep coming back to is, what do I do? If this is
something that I care about, where do I fit in, especially when so
many people are quick to tell me I don’t fit in anywhere, and no
matter how much I try, I never will, because my color precludes me
from understanding anything.
I’m still trying to figure things out and trying to understand whether
or not I have a place in this whole thing, and more often than not, I
feel like I don’t.
Maybe I’m too outspoken or abrasive, I don’t know. Maybe
diplomacy is not my strong suit. I’m not good at being tactful.
Sometimes things come out in a way in which I never intended them to.
I could go on and on about how I’ve got good intentions and I just
want to help, etc., but really, sometimes you want to help, but you’re
in the way. And sometimes you have good intentions but you end up
ruining everything you touch. And maybe that’s me!
No matter how angry and frustrated and hurt and everything else I
feel about the current situation in The Gambia, it’s not going to
change one iota of what many of you seem to think of me on here. And
no matter how much I may want to help, perhaps it’s time that I come
to the realization that there is just too many reasons why I *can’t*
do anything for The Gambia.
I’m not good at fund-raising. I’m not good at designing and
making T-shirts or bumper stickers or anything like that. I don’t
know how to initiate dialogue with Congressmen or any other
influential member of the US government, that could actually have the
power to get things done. And as much as my idealistic side wants to
drop everything over here, jump on a plane and go to The Gambia to
assist the opposition in anyway I can, no matter what threats come to
me, when I think about that, that is just plain silly. What could I
do over there anyway. I can only speak English, I’m a definite
outsider so don’t think I could convince anyone. So what can I do?
I most certainly don’t have anything to offer except for prayers
and dua, and some don’t even think that is worth anything. I don’t
think I could convey to anyone the sense of powerlessness I feel when
I watch the unfolding situation in The Gambia. The emotion, the
anger, the frustration, the edginess, just waiting for the next awful
thing to happen.
But why should I care about The Gambia? Well, if I told you guys
it wouldn’t make any kind of sense, so I won’t. I’m getting too many
conflicting messages, and it’s darn near making me immobile with
indecision. "you have a lot to offer" vs. "You don’t understand".
"You’re a Gambian" vs. "You’re an outsider". "You have a lot to
offer" vs. "You don’t know what you’re talking about". So which is
it? I don’t know. Because just when I think I’ve gotten it all
figured out, another curveball comes from where I least expect it. I
feel like sometimes I’m in a room where I don’t belong and I can feel
the hateful, glaring stares on me as people either whisper behind my
back or yell and curse at me to get out because I don’t belong here.
And anyone who actually *would* think I belonged there are, for the
most part, silent.
What can I do? Some non-Gambians may have it all figured out,
but this non-Gambian is confused half the time and has no idea what
she’es doing the other half. And I feel like many of you, if not all
of you, enjoy watching me in my utter confusion and non-understanding,
because you enjoy lording that over me.
I hope you guys are happy, I’m confused, I don’t understand, but
I want to! There’s a country full of wonderful, beautiful people who
showed me Islam, who gave me that most beautiful gift (or at least
made me open to receiving it later). See, I told you you wouldn’t
understand if I told you, so I won’t elaborate on that any further.
But anyway, no matter how much I guess I could walk away and find
(another fad to occupy my time) or whatever, well, I can’t. But I
didn’t think I was supposed to do that. I thought I was supposed to
care. But maybe I missed something somewhere.
I don’t know what else to say, because I can’t change anyone’s
opinions of me. All I can do is be myself, which, well, I guess isn’t
much! Whether people have lost faith in me, or don’t respect me
because of something I’ve said or whatever, I don’t know. As much as,
admittedly, it bothers me, I can’t do anything to change that. OK, so
there you have it. Not that it will do any good but you gotta let
thoughts fly forth sometimes.