Assalamu alaikum / greetings. I’d wanted to touch on this as Umm Zaid, Tariq Nelson, and Umar Lee have had recent blog posts dealing with "coming to terms with your non-Muslim past", or something along those lines.
Well, I think my experiences were / are slightly different from what many converts have experienced, yet, somehow, the same. I didn’t have some hugely life-changing experience which led me to start looking for something new, unless you count traveling to Senegal and The Gambia.
At the time, though, that I started reading about Islam, I really wasn’t looking for anything. I just remember my African history professor talking about how Islam conquered by the sword and using the term "jihad" as "holy war", and I remember thinking "this really can’t be right, because I’ve met Muslims and they’re not all like this!" So I went back to my room and did some research online. And I guess you could say that the rest is history, though that’s not really the case, because there was a lot of reading and asking questions, mostly of Muslims that I’d met online, because I knew of only one Muslim woman that I knew of in my area. But my initial receptiveness to Islam came from reading about Islamic beliefs and teachings and reading about the life of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), and his companions (may Allah be pleased with them all), which ultimately led me to Islam.
OK, so fast forward to me taking shahadah. It was in the middle of Ramadan, so I got invited to sisters’ houses and it was really cool. However, as time went on, I guess we all got busy with our own lives, because that stopped happening. In fact, the first Ramadan, I was actually at my parents’ house for the Eid, I remember one of the lady’s I was talking to on the phone, telling me how I was going to miss the Eid, but the Eid fell like two days after Christmas, and my family didn’t know I was Muslim, and I’d only been Muslim for like two weeks, and I was just really confused and had no idea what I was doing and was just trying to figure things out. So what ended up happening was that for the most part, either because people moved or went overseas, I lost touch with the initial group of sisters that I took Shahadah with. I mean, I’d see them from time to time, but sadly, I just didn’t keep in touch with them.
So what ended up happening was that I had to learn Islam on my own. Because a masjid either wasn’t close by, or I couldn’t get to it for whatever reason. And I’m starting to wonder if this maybe wasn’t a good thing all along. Because I was allowed to pretty much find my own way, without any kind of pressure from the community, although, I guess, on reflecting on that, that could have led to some really not-so-good consequences, like adopting a less-than orthodox view of Islam.
However, in my case, Alhamdulillah that did not happen. What happened was I found a couple offline supportive people, and maybe one or two online communities (nod to Umm Zaid here), and that pretty much provided the support I needed.
However, there were times I still wanted offline contact with Muslims, which I did not, and still do not get, that often. I still feel strange praying congregationally, because I do it so little, but there is some kind of, I don’t know, feeling you get when you are around other Muslims. But there are problems too, because I find, at least with myself, I have to kind of watch what I say or talk about, and this goes back to "coming to terms with your non-Muslim past", or maybe in this case, it might better be explained by "coming to terms with your other self", the "self" that those in the community may not see. Or, may not agree with.
Maybe this is the "self that follows a madhhab" or the "self that follows a tariqa", or the "self which watches movies", or the "self that listens to music", or the "self which listens to Shaikh Hamza". And OK, so these are in no particualr order, I’m just throwing things out there.
But I do find that I have to be careful what I say, until I know that I can speak comfortably around the people I’m with. It used to really bother me, and to an extent, it still does, but at this point, I guess I’ve grown comfortable enough in my own skin and in my own Islam, for it to not bother me so much.
The thing is, I’m starting to wonder if the "perfect Muslim community" even really exists, and I’d say that it doesn’t, because Muslims are not perfect. However, if I were to pick a community, I’d pick one where "traditional Islam" at least is acceptable, and following a madhhab isn’t going to get you accused of somehow "not being a true Muslim" or "not following the Quran and Sunnah".
The really sad thing is that sometimes, the most supportive people to me, have been non-Muslims, and somehow, that is viewed as wrong to say this, but sadly, that is how it has been. But as Umm Zaid said, there are still things you can’t talk to your non-Muslim acquaintances about, without feeling like they just don’t get it.
The thing is, though, throughout most of my life, I’ve never felt like I’ve fitted in anywhere, and so I’ve just sort of been my own person and have done my own thing, so being a Muslim has not changed that, and so "not fitting in anywhere" has been nothing new for me. However, I realize that not everyone has had that experience. And even now, I miss the old feeling of fellowship when I used to go to church, how everyone would welcome you at the door, how you might get invited to people’s houses, people you may not even know, for Sunday dinner, or how the preacher would take the time to call you to see how you were doing. And not that these things *don’t* happen in the Muslim community, but at least in my experience, I’ve found Christian churches to be a lot more receptive and helpful to new members, than Masajid are.
I mean, if you were to "accept Christ as your Saviour and become a Christian", you can almost bet that someone would be there to guide you along the way, if not the pastor or minister, than people in the general community. And they would make sure that you knew what you were supposed to be doing. And sadly, at least in my experience as a Muslim, I didn’t get that. I felt like, for the most part, I was left to fend for myself and learn my Deen on my own. And while [for me, that wasn’t such a bad thing, and it made me hang onto Islam even more, at other times, it was a terribly lonely experience.
Another thing I’ve found is that when I’ve attempted to discuss mine and other experiences which I and others have had as converts with "born" Muslims, I get told how I should concentrate on my own deen and not worry about what others are doing. While that is all well and good, I feel that is deligitimizing and somehow invalidating our experiences, by just flippantly chiding us for "not concentrating on our own deen and worrying too much about others".
And then, for me anyway, I get told how Islam should take precedence and how I shouldn’t be concerned with what others in the community are doing. But huh? OK, I can admit that there are problems in the community, but I would be "concentrating too much on someone else’s deen", if I said something about it? Or if I allowed it to upset me too much?
OK, so what if someone tries to push me into a hasty marriage? Or tries to tell me that "my way of practicing Islam is wrong", or if someone makes a racist comment toward me or toward someone else? Would it be "concentrating too much on someone else’s deen" if I said something about it, or if I made dua for them?
I’d say for me, when a sister tried to push me into marriage 5 minutes after I’d taken my shahadah, I told her I wasn’t even going there, because I needed to learn Islam first. And I was pretty much on track, as far as getting comfortable as a Muslim, despite other Muslims, and then, well, I got into a bad marriage, and well, I’m not even going to talk about that.
So then, I had to spend a lot of the time, once I got out of my bad marriage, rebuilding myself, Islamicly, mentally, spiritually, and now, I don’t know, as much as I still long for some sort of contact with my local community, I’m comfortable enough in my own skin wherever I am.
But it wasn’t easy getting here. And I think that all converts, or maybe some of us anyway, go through some sort of, I don’t know, self-examination, where we decide if Islam is what we really want, or not, and maybe that is what leads some to leave Islam. Because maybe if you see Islam as "the Muslims" then you’re more likely to leave Islam, because "the Muslims let you down", but if you see Islam as something separate from the Muslims, then you stay with Islam, because you believe Islam is the truth, and that as they say "Islam is perfect, but the Muslims aren’t."
And this was something else, I think the person who was telling me "not to concentrate on someone else’s deen", was trying to tell me, but at the time, I was so indignant, because I felt like they were totally treating my comments and opinions as "invalid", that I wasn’t hearing them, but they were trying to tell me that Islam is the standard, but Muslims are not, and you should try to focus on living up to that standard as best you can.
And while that is true, I don’t know, I just feel that can be taken to some sort of extreme. I mean, think about it, it’s the "oh those people aren’t practicing Islam, so we don’t have to think about them", that maybe caused some Muslims to ignore the extremists who well, thought that blowing up buildings and killing innocent people were OK. Or, maybe it was the "we don’t want to air our dirty laundry" thing that was the reason.
But anyway, I’m getting off topic here, but just to say that this "we shouldn’t worry about what other Muslims are doing" stuff can be taken to a conclusion that allows us to ignore things like racism, Muslims owning liquor stores, and other such non-Islamic things. Because I think you can "concentrate on your own deen" and yet still tackle these issues. Because though, as I was told, "you’ll only be called to answer for your own deeds on Yaum-al-qiyama", you will also be called to account, maybe?, if you saw something wrong, yet did not do what you could to stop it.
And yeah, I know that I completely went off-topic from the original post, but hey.
