Assalamu alaikum, I am going to warn all of you in advance that this post is going to be all over the place! Only Allah knows for sure where this post is going to go, so here goes!
I must say that I love Islam! I love hearing the Qur’an being recited! I love how calm I feel when I’m praying or making dhikr or dua! The sound of the adhan brings tears to my eyes! Every time I hear it, even if it is in the background during some news story, I have to stop what I’m doing and listen to it. I even did that before I was Muslim, even running to the window at 5 in the morning, while in The Gambia, just to listen to it! I remember wanting to get closer, I had the feeling that I’d wanted to follow the sound of the man calling for prayer, and have someone to show me how to pray. As I think about it, it’s possible that I’d have become a Muslim then, had I not been discouraged from going to the mosque by a man who flat-out told me when I asked to be taken to the mosque “oh no, women don’t go to the mosque”. And he said it with such force, like he was surprised I’d even suggest such a thing, I’d almost say he had a slight edge of contempt in his voice! But I wanted so much to go toward that sound. To walk into the masjid and do what they were doing. I think even then, I’d wanted someone to tell me about Islam, but I couldn’t articulate that.
The thing is, in so many ways, and for so many different reasons, we Muslims just fall so short of what Allah expects of us. And what’s worse, some of us use Allah as a justification for some of the most awful things we do! Now, I’m using “we” and “us” in a general term.
The thing is, I feel such a sense of frustration, that I don’t know quite how to put it, at both myself, for my own mistakes and blunders in my struggle to follow the straight path, and also, seeing other Muslims also fall so visibly short of where they should be.
OK, that last statement didn’t really come out right, I know. What I’m speaking of is the “terrorism” committed in the ame of Islam or jihad! Or the misuse of Islamic teachings to uphold some principle of male patriarchy or chauvinism, or cultural practice which, in actuality, has nothing to do with Islam.
Now, let’s take myself for example. Since I’ve been Muslim, I’ve made so many mistakes, and at times I’ve not been the best Muslim at all! And I mean that! So how can I talk about other Muslims and their behavior? How can I look down at them, when my own character is at times in such need of reforming?
The thing is, I have struggled and continue to struggle with self-esteem and other issues, and sometimes, the pain and frustration of it all almost sends me into what I’d characterize as a mild depression. It’s not so bad that I can’t get out of bed, or hold down a job. I can still function, but it doesn’t make the pain any less.
And what’s worse is when I divulge some of my mistakes to some fellow sisters, in hopes of getting some sort of advice or consolation, instead I get harsh treatment! I get treated like the worst sister on the planet, and when I express how hurt this makes me feel, and how not only the mistake itself, but the harsh treatment afterwords has damaged my faith, even to the point of wanting to throw up my hands and walk away from Islam altogether, because I’m being treated as though I’m single-handedly destroying the Muslim ummah, these same sisters want to act surprised, kind of like the “What did I say” mentality!
It sure doesn’t help your self-esteem any, if sisters use your mistakes against you. As much as I’d love to have a Muslim community around me, I also think that sometimes, I’d just rather be alone. I feel like sometimes, being alone is best. I don’t have to explain why I follow a madhhab, why I follow a tariqa, how I became Muslim (I don’t mind telling people how I became a Muslim, but it gets old after you’ve told the story for the umpteenth time).
I know that being alone and disconnected from other people is not a good thing. But I feel like sometimes, being around and among other Muslims seems to show me in a glaring way, my own shortcomings.
And what’s even worse, is sometimes, it gets so bad, that I recall my ex-husband’s words, of me being a liar, hypocrite, a nothing, a piece of sh*t, etc., that I wonder sometimes if he’s right. I think about how hypocrisy is worse than disbelief, and I have sunk to such depths of almost-despair that I start to think that I should leave Islam, just to save Islam from the hypocrites such as myself!
And then, these kinds of thoughts make me want to hold onto Islam even more, because Allah is truly Merciful, and Inshallah, maybe somehow, I’ll be rewarded for my struggle with my own self.
I just get so frustrated and scared. And I feel so conflicted. I want to open up, I want to trust people, but at the same time I don’t because I don’t want my faults or shortcomings to be used against me, so that others can point out just what a hypocrite and terrible person I am behind my back.
I know, before I’d deleted my blog and started over, I’d talked about marriage quite a bit on here. And to be honest, while the fairytale part of my brain says, “Yeah, I want to be married again”, the realistic side of me says, “yeah right”.
I don’t know if I could trust anyone enough to where I’d feel comfortable marrying them. I’d be too afraid that they’d turn into someone different once the niqa was over. And even if I had a good wali, I’m still not sure I’d trust them even then, because they might fool the wali. And how do I even find a good wali? So if I can’t even get past the “finding a wali” phase, how can I go any further, as far as finding a marriage partner is concerned?
And not only that, I’m not sure I could trust myself! I’d be too afraid I’d displease him, and I’d wake up one day, and he’d want to leave me, because he’d start to think of me the same way my ex-husband thought of me.
Call me crazy, whatever, but I have to be honest about it. As much as I’d love to be married again, I almost feel I have no business getting married, unless I could find a good wali that I could share all of my concerns with. But how do I do that? If you’re only supposed to deal with brothers on a strictly “business-type” level, would divulging my insecurities to them be going to far into the “personal” realm?
I’m just too frustrated and tired. Reliance on Allah is key here. I’m just venting OK? I’m only saying this because, sometimes when I’ve poured out my heart to some sisters, I get a “rely on Allah” kind of statement! While this is true, and I need to rely on Allah, a part of me just wants to say “duh!” Like, tell me something I didn’t know!
Or like maybe you could act like you understood or cared, and not brushed me off by saying “rely on Allah”, which to me, feels and sounds like code for “get out of my face, ’cause I already got a good husband and a strong community and whatnot, so just get out of my face, you Erin, Tennessean, ’cause I gotta go offline and get to a haliqa at a sister’s house, so I don’t have time to console you or help you or give you a cyber hug or call you, and besides, you talk to too many brothers anyway”. And no, I’m not singling anyone out here, that quote was an attempt to encapsulate a broad range of feelings, in one simple statement.
So what do I do? If it seems, or it feels like all the other sisters I deal with online, and that is where most of my sisterly contact is taking place at this point, are more pious than me, more spiritually developed, have strong supportive communities, have good husbands and families, whatever, than what am I to do?
I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to burden them with my problems, but at the same time, I don’t know. It’s like I just want to cry and get all of it out, and just have someone just hug me and let me know that they understand. I don’t want to be judged harshly for my mistakes, I don’t want to be told how “wrong” I am, or what I’m doing is “haram”.
And I know some sisters that I know quite well will want to know “what is she talking about”, but I’m too afraid to disclose what I see as shortcomings or wrong actions on my part, because I’m too afraid of the harshness, I’m too afraid that all the sisters that I do know will run away so fast, they’ll be gone before I can say “Assalamu alaikum”.
I’m afraid if I just be completely honest about myself, then any good images of me, any good aspects of my character that I do have will be completely overshadowed by the bad.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I know I’ve been blessed. Allah has brought me through so much, an abusive marriage, a devastating house fire! And now, He’s blessed me with even more than I had before. I don’t want what I’ve written to be construed as an ungrateful person, complaining, and not content with what Allah has given me.
I know I’ve been truly blessed. But it’s said that Allah tests whom He loves. It’s also said in the Qur’an, “Do you think that you will not be tested, just because you say, we believe?” OK, so that’s not an exact quote, but the gist of it is that just because you say that you believe and just because you accept Islam, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to have an easy ride. Allah will still put tests and trials and struggles in your life! I ask forgiveness from anyone I’ve hurt or wronged, and I ask forgiveness from Allah, the Most High, because He is the best to forgive!
Is that right, is that how you say it? I’ve been Muslim for only five years, yet there’s so much I still don’t know!
My own feeling of inadequacy as a Muslim, a person, a woman, and the overwhelming pain that comes with that, I think, sometimes overshadows everything else. And the thing is, I just feel like I just don’t match up to anyone else, no matter how intelligent or loving or caring people may say I am. Because when people say that to me, my first reaction is to go, “yeah right, you’re just saying that”. And my next reaction is to want to say, “if you really knew who I was, you wouldn’t be saying all those nice things about me”.
I sometimes have the overwhelming, crushing feeling that my ex-husband was right about me! And what hurts even more is that other people have echoed those same sentiments. I’m a racist, I’m a hypocrite, I’m not a good Muslim, etc. I can write my ex-husband off when he says it, but when other people start saying the same thing, what should I make of that? And this sort of ties in to my post on Gambian issues / lists.
I don’t want to believe my ex-husband was right about me, and when I’m actually thinking about it, I know he’s not right, but it’s the “what if” factor rearing it’s ugly head saying, “What if he is right?”
OK, guys, let’s just be honest. I’m really confused! I got issues! So I suggest that everyone just run away from me now, before my very presence starts causing fitna and chaos! We wouldn’t want that to happen now would we?
And if there’s any brother who might be even remotely interested in me, you’d better run now, ’cause I got issues OK? Serious issues! You’d better run, and run real fast right now! ’cause I’ll mess you up! You’ll be running to my ex-husband begging him for advice before it’s all said and done with me!
OK seriously guys! I think I really need to end this now. But hey, I gotta just be open and honest, at least about the things I feel I can be open and honest about.
I think I need to have some hot tea and go to bed! And play some Qur’an or something! I need something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s to run to that imaginary place, to that imaginary muadhin, calling the adhan, at that imaginary masjid somewhere, maybe in The Gambia, maybe somewhere else! Where I can be part of an imaginary Muslim community, where everyone uses good adab, all the men treat their wives and families the way they should, knowledge abounds, there’s no fitna, you can actually use the words madhhab, tariqa, traditional Islam, etc., without getting treated as though you’ve left Islam altogether. OK, I’ll go ahead and keep dreaming…
I’m just so afraid that I’ve failed most of the tests Allah has put before me! And that is what frightens me!
