Ginny's Thoughts & Things

Thinking Out Loud…

Archive for August, 2005

Lates Weather Info as of 10:25PM

Posted by Ginny on August 29, 2005

Assalamu alaikum, latest weather statement from the National Weather Service as of 10:25 PM, the last time I checked the website. We just last our cable… Will turn on the radio, I guess, hope we don’t lose power too…

WWUS84 KOHX 300213
SPSOHX

SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NASHVILLE TN
912 PM CDT MON AUG 29 2005

TNZ005>011-022>034-056>066-075-077>080-093>095-300900-
BEDFORD-BENTON-CANNON-CHEATHAM-CLAY-COFFEE-CUMBERLAND-DAVIDSON-
DEKALB-DICKSON-FENTRESS-GILES-GRUNDY-HICKMAN-HOUSTON-HUMPHREYS-
JACKSON-LAWRENCE-LEWIS-MACON-MARSHALL-MAURY-MONTGOMERY-OVERTON-PERRY-
PICKETT-PUTNAM-ROBERTSON-RUTHERFORD-SMITH-STEWART-SUMNER-TROUSDALE-
VAN BUREN-WARREN-WAYNE-WHITE-WILLIAMSON-WILSON-
912 PM CDT MON AUG 29 2005

…INLAND TROPICAL STORM WARNING IS IN EFFECT FOR MIDDLE
TENNESSEE FOR TONIGHT AND TUESDAY…

EMERGENCY OFFICIALS IN LAWRENCE COUNTY HAVE REPORTED SEVERAL TREES
BLOWN DOWN DUE TO HIGH WINDS. AS TROPICAL STORM KATRINA CONTINUES
TO MOVE NORTHWARD INTO THE MIDSTATE WE EXPECT THE GROUNDS TO BECOME
SATURATED WHICH WILL LIKELY CAUSE ADDITIONAL TREE DAMAGE IN MANY
AREAS OVERNIGHT AND TOMORROW. THIS MAY ALSO CAUSE POWER PROBLEMS AS
TREES AND LIMBS HIT POWER LINES AND CAUSE OUTAGES.

WE EXPECT WINDS TO INCREASE TO 30 TO 45 MPH IN MANY AREAS BY DAYBREAK
WITH HIGHER GUSTS POSSIBLE. RESIDENTS SHOULD SECURE ANY LOOSE OR
EASILY MOVABLE OBJECTS ON THEIR HOMES OR PROPERTY. REPORT POWER
PROBLEMS TO THE LOCAL POWER COMPANIES AND ANY TREES BLOCKING ROADS
OR DAMAGING HOMES TO LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS.

$$

JLM

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Izzy Mo is OK!

Posted by Ginny on August 29, 2005

Assalamu alaikum, I spoke to Izzy Mo earlier today!  She is fine!  Though she’s still at the airport, or wherever she said she was!
 
      Please make dua for her and her family and everyone who has gone through all of this!  This storm is coming this way, and I think is still a tropical storm!  As of now, I’m hearing rain or wind or both, outside the window!  I’m not sure how much rain we’re supposed to get, but we’re under a flood watch at least and maybe even a tropical storm watch or even warning, but I need to check the weather!
 
     I’ve been reading a book, so need to go and pray Isha now!  Also, if I don’t get there first, or even if I do, could someone kindly go over to Izzy Mo’s blog at http://izzymo.blogspot.com, and just post a comment letting everyone over there know she is OK?  We might get some bad weather tonight, even tornadoes, though don’t know how likely that is, but I want to try to sleep, just in case the weather gets bad during the night, and I have to get up and head to the basement…
 
     Take care all, sorry this is written in a hurry, but it’s getting late here, I’m tired, and my head is starting to hurt!
 
Take care all…
 

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Make Dua for Izzy Mo

Posted by Ginny on August 28, 2005

Assalamu alaikum, all, if anyone’s seen the news the past few days, you will know that Hurricane Katrina has passed through South Florida, and now is in the Gulf of Mexico, and has become a very major hurricane. As of now, it seems to be heading toward the New Orleans area! I’m asking that everyone make dua / pray for Izzy Mo and her family! And anyone else affected by this hurricane! This seems to be very bad!

Izzy Mo! I’ve looked everywhere for your number! I can’t find it! I shoulda put it in my phone when I got your message with your number in it, but I thought I could do it later, and now I can’t find it! Not that I can really do anything, but if you need anything, call or email me!

OK, all, that’s all for now!

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BBC NEWS | Americas | Profile: Pat Robertson

Posted by Ginny on August 26, 2005

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BBC NEWS | Africa | Niger women ‘banned from grain stores’

Posted by Ginny on August 26, 2005

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BBC NEWS | Africa | Burkina Faso’s hungry herders

Posted by Ginny on August 26, 2005

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BBC NEWS | Africa | US predicts Zarqawi Africa flight

Posted by Ginny on August 26, 2005

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BBC NEWS | Europe | Paris building inferno kills 17

Posted by Ginny on August 26, 2005

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Planet Grenada: ol� to allah

Posted by Ginny on August 25, 2005

Planet Grenada: ol� to allah

Assalamu alaikum, the following paragraph got my attention:

Although the local Latino community has been largely supportive of the Alianza, some non-Latino Muslims have not. Mendez says many Arab and Pakistani Muslims

seem critical of the Latinos’ efforts to adopt Islam. Immigrant Muslims sometimes attend djumma (Friday) prayers at the Alianza, but they often criticize

the group’s command of Arabic and their understanding of Islam; one Pakistani Muslim even said that Puerto Ricans are “too promiscuous” to be “good” Muslims.

And in fact, the Alianza is actually being ousted from its current location by an immigrant Muslim landlord.

My question is, why do the immigrant Muslims spoken of in the article not considering hte Latino Muslims “not real Muslims”, and why do they say they are too promiscuous? I’d sure like to know that…

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Offer to ‘Mr. Bomber’ no joke, man finds

Posted by Ginny on August 25, 2005

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BBC NEWS | Business | Senegal suffers from fishing crisis

Posted by Ginny on August 25, 2005

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Gambian opposition leader decries ferry stand off with Senegal

Posted by Ginny on August 25, 2005

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Senegal kora players keep ancient tradition alive

Posted by Ginny on August 25, 2005

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How Progressive is the Progressive Muslim Movement?

Posted by Ginny on August 23, 2005

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Yippee!

Posted by Ginny on August 22, 2005

Assalamu alaikum, I received my shipment of CD’s / tapes that I had ordered from Al Hambra Productions (sorry for the spelling lol) last week.

I’m so happy! I’ve really needed something like this, especially given my last few posts! Inshallah, this will rejuvenate me spiritually, because Allah knows I need it!

Anyway, you know it’s funny that I can’t remember all the lectures I’d ended up purchasing because some were out of stock, and some I had to delete from the shopping cart as soon as I saw how much the total was going to be! But I’m almost sure I got the Purification of the Heart series, the one that comes in like a million CD set (OK so maybe not that many lol).

I’m saving that one for Ramadan, though, and I also want to get the lectures on the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him).

I think Ramadan this year is going to be a challenge, since I’ll have to fast at the same time that I’m working, and will be getting off work just shortly before time to break my fast!

Not only this, fasting will be a challenge, just having to deal with the work environment, as a whole. Although I like my job, as with all jobs, it comes with its struggles and challenges!

So Ramadan is going to be very interesting this year. What is also going to be a challenge is the fact that, for the most part, Ramadan will be spent without the company of many Muslims. I won’t have the luxury of running back up to Chicago or somewhere else, unless I go to Nashville for the weekend or something like that.

But Inshallah, this Ramadan will be a spiritual renewal, and Inshallah I will be forgiven for any previous mistakes on my part, and Inshallah, I will be able to carry some of the discipline / spirituality I may gain during this Ramadan into the rest of the year.

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Make dua please!

Posted by Ginny on August 21, 2005

     Assalamu alaikum, all, please make dua for my sister-in-law!  She had some spotting today, not too much, but enough to make us all nervous.  Her doctor advised her to rest and call him back if it continues.  She only saw a little bit of blood when she got up this morning, and no more for the rest of the day.
 
     And the baby is moving and she’s not having any cramps or pain or anything like that.  Inshallah, she’ll be OK.
 
     Also, my Leader Dog Abby is not having a good day!  She woke me up at 4 in the morning, pacing the room, and panting, and seeming as though she couldn’t get comfortable.
 
     I thought at first she was hot, but even after the air conditioner kicked back on, she still didn’t seem quite comfortable.
 
     Also, if she moves suddenly or when she lays down, she will let out a whimper, or yelp, or something like that.
 
     I think she is in pain, but can’t quite figure out what it is.  I think it’s maybe her back or legs, but I don’t know!
 
     I just hope she’s OK, she still doesn’t seem very comfortable, she’s either pantig or breathing a little fast, and just keeps moving around a lot.
 
     Anyway, I’m going to try to get her to the vet tomorrow.
 
     Thanks all for your support.
 
 

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Update

Posted by Ginny on August 20, 2005

Assalamu alaikum, given the relative negativity and the “wallowing in my own self-pity” of my previous post, I wanted to post a brief update on me, since I’ve not really done that since the house fire and its immediate aftermath.

Firstly, I’d say that my brother, his wife, and I have sufficiently recovered, Alhamdulillah!

We’ve moved into a new house, I think I’ve described it already, but it has one and a half baths, 3 bedrooms, a kitchen, living room, utility room, and a small deck in the backyard. There is also a basement, but you have to go outside to get to it. The basement is not finished, but we think we will use it for storage, and a place to go during severe weather.

I really like the house. It is in the city (if you can call it a city lol) of Erin itself, right on Main Street! There is actually a sidewalk that runs in front of my house, and up to the house itself.

My brother and sister-in-law are doing fine. They are expecting their first baby in December, Inshallah! My brother is still working at Fort Campbell fixing cars, my sister-in-law isn’t working now, she used to work at her grandmother’s convenience store, but stopped working when she became pregnant, since she was having a really hard time with the morning sickness.

I started a new job (Alhamdulillah) in June, and right now, I’m in training. The position is an Eligibility Counsellor 1 position, but the funny thing is, I’m not actually going to be determining eligibility. The State of Tennessee has set up Family Assistance Service Centers, so people can call and actually get a human on the phone, since many times, it’s hard for them to get in touch with their case workers. Once I get out on the floor and start taking calls, I’ll be dealing with TennCare / Medicaid clients, Families First clients, and Food Stamp clients.

I’m pretty much just supposed to answer any questions they might have and make changes to their cases, where needed. For example, if they need to report an address change, change in income, etc. Although I think now, they’ve got specific people in the center who are making the changes, so maybe I won’t be doing that.

Anyway, I think I will really like my job, once I get to actually doing it. We just got the Jaws For Windows software and got it installed last Tuesday, and right now, we’re just making sure it’s going to work with the software we’ll be using for the job, and working out all the kinks and bugs where needed.

Alhamdulillah, that my life is going good. I like my new job, and my new house. I thank Allah for my many blessings, though as you already know, I’ve got many frustrations as well.

I guess I just have to keep everything in perspective, but it’s hard to do sometimes, when you feel you’re struggling all alone. It’s hard to remember Allah’s Mercy and Forgiveness, and the fact that He sees and knows all things, when you feel you’re not matching up to “those other sisters”, or you feel you can’t do anythingg right, or you start to think that you’ll never be a good Muslim, no matter how hard you try.

There just seems this dicotomy that I’m happy with my life, but then again, there’s some things about me that I don’t like, that I’m not sure I’ll completely be able to get rid of! I’m oversensitive sometimes, sometimes very defensive about certain things. I tend to get emotional about things, hey, I’m the type of person who cries at movies lol.

I tend to be opinionated and speak my mind, sometimes not at the right times, and not in the right way, and I don’t come across in the right way.

Sometimes, I’m totally air-headed, and end up getting into situations without realizing what I’m being dragged into, or what the other person’s goal is, until it’s too late!

I can definitely say that things are not as bad as they used to be, I used to figuratively look at myself in the mirror, and I didn’t like anything about the person I was, but then again, I actually had someone on the outside, almost on a daily basis, always pointing out something wrong about me, even down to the way I eat my cereal (you’re eating it too fast, why do you eat so fast, I always sit here and watch you eat, and you’re just disgusting, you just eat too fast). OK, now, I’m already self-conscious about eating in front of people anyway, because the blind school was so strict about table manners, but I’ve been told that my eating habits are a lot better than a lot of sighted people. Oh, and said person didn’t like the way I drank my milk out of my cereal bowl, even accusing me of eating so fast that “see look at you, you’re even throwing it back up now). Of course, I tried to argue with him, because I wasn’t “throwing up”, and if I was I’d know about it, I think. OK, so I’m going to stop now, because this story is sounding stranger. But this was what I lived with!

So anyway, the self-doubt isn’t so bad anymore, though it’s still there, and maybe will always be there, Allah alone knows for sure.

But I’d rather be honest and up front about my struggles, then to walk around pretending and acting as though I’m something I’m not. I’d rather be a “what you see is what you get” kind of person.

Allah guided me to Islam, and I realize how fortunate I am for that! And Inshallah, my struggles and pain will pay off somehow, in ways I probably could never have imagined!

A few days ago, I sent out an email to all my sisters, who were in my address book, and I wanted to let you know that you were in my thoughts and duas. I don’t want to get so caught up in my own life and problems and issues, that I forget my sisters who are struggling just like me! I want all of my blog readers, both Muslim and non-Muslim, to know that I appreciate that you make a point to come here and read my thoughts and the articles I post, and that maybe you actually look forward to coming here and reading what I say.

I am sincerely sorry if I offend or hurt anyone, but I’ve decided it’s better to be honest and open. I find it’s just better to just put things out there, and you never know what will come of them.

I really love all of you, readers, because there’s really no point in having a blog if there are no readers, is there? Well, I guess there is, but readers make things more exciting, don’t they?

Anyway, even given my struggles with myself, I see myself as generally a positive person, and generally feel that things will get better at some point. and Inshallah, they will. Take care all.

And to any sisters who know me, who didn’t receive the email I referred to, please accept my apologies! I love all of you, brothers and sisters alike, please continue to pray for me and make dua for me! Allah knows I need it!

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The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Posted by Ginny on August 19, 2005

Assalamu alaikum, I am going to warn all of you in advance that this post is going to be all over the place! Only Allah knows for sure where this post is going to go, so here goes!

I must say that I love Islam! I love hearing the Qur’an being recited! I love how calm I feel when I’m praying or making dhikr or dua! The sound of the adhan brings tears to my eyes! Every time I hear it, even if it is in the background during some news story, I have to stop what I’m doing and listen to it. I even did that before I was Muslim, even running to the window at 5 in the morning, while in The Gambia, just to listen to it! I remember wanting to get closer, I had the feeling that I’d wanted to follow the sound of the man calling for prayer, and have someone to show me how to pray. As I think about it, it’s possible that I’d have become a Muslim then, had I not been discouraged from going to the mosque by a man who flat-out told me when I asked to be taken to the mosque “oh no, women don’t go to the mosque”. And he said it with such force, like he was surprised I’d even suggest such a thing, I’d almost say he had a slight edge of contempt in his voice! But I wanted so much to go toward that sound. To walk into the masjid and do what they were doing. I think even then, I’d wanted someone to tell me about Islam, but I couldn’t articulate that.

The thing is, in so many ways, and for so many different reasons, we Muslims just fall so short of what Allah expects of us. And what’s worse, some of us use Allah as a justification for some of the most awful things we do! Now, I’m using “we” and “us” in a general term.

The thing is, I feel such a sense of frustration, that I don’t know quite how to put it, at both myself, for my own mistakes and blunders in my struggle to follow the straight path, and also, seeing other Muslims also fall so visibly short of where they should be.

OK, that last statement didn’t really come out right, I know. What I’m speaking of is the “terrorism” committed in the ame of Islam or jihad! Or the misuse of Islamic teachings to uphold some principle of male patriarchy or chauvinism, or cultural practice which, in actuality, has nothing to do with Islam.

Now, let’s take myself for example. Since I’ve been Muslim, I’ve made so many mistakes, and at times I’ve not been the best Muslim at all! And I mean that! So how can I talk about other Muslims and their behavior? How can I look down at them, when my own character is at times in such need of reforming?

The thing is, I have struggled and continue to struggle with self-esteem and other issues, and sometimes, the pain and frustration of it all almost sends me into what I’d characterize as a mild depression. It’s not so bad that I can’t get out of bed, or hold down a job. I can still function, but it doesn’t make the pain any less.

And what’s worse is when I divulge some of my mistakes to some fellow sisters, in hopes of getting some sort of advice or consolation, instead I get harsh treatment! I get treated like the worst sister on the planet, and when I express how hurt this makes me feel, and how not only the mistake itself, but the harsh treatment afterwords has damaged my faith, even to the point of wanting to throw up my hands and walk away from Islam altogether, because I’m being treated as though I’m single-handedly destroying the Muslim ummah, these same sisters want to act surprised, kind of like the “What did I say” mentality!

It sure doesn’t help your self-esteem any, if sisters use your mistakes against you. As much as I’d love to have a Muslim community around me, I also think that sometimes, I’d just rather be alone. I feel like sometimes, being alone is best. I don’t have to explain why I follow a madhhab, why I follow a tariqa, how I became Muslim (I don’t mind telling people how I became a Muslim, but it gets old after you’ve told the story for the umpteenth time).

I know that being alone and disconnected from other people is not a good thing. But I feel like sometimes, being around and among other Muslims seems to show me in a glaring way, my own shortcomings.

And what’s even worse, is sometimes, it gets so bad, that I recall my ex-husband’s words, of me being a liar, hypocrite, a nothing, a piece of sh*t, etc., that I wonder sometimes if he’s right. I think about how hypocrisy is worse than disbelief, and I have sunk to such depths of almost-despair that I start to think that I should leave Islam, just to save Islam from the hypocrites such as myself!

And then, these kinds of thoughts make me want to hold onto Islam even more, because Allah is truly Merciful, and Inshallah, maybe somehow, I’ll be rewarded for my struggle with my own self.

I just get so frustrated and scared. And I feel so conflicted. I want to open up, I want to trust people, but at the same time I don’t because I don’t want my faults or shortcomings to be used against me, so that others can point out just what a hypocrite and terrible person I am behind my back.

I know, before I’d deleted my blog and started over, I’d talked about marriage quite a bit on here. And to be honest, while the fairytale part of my brain says, “Yeah, I want to be married again”, the realistic side of me says, “yeah right”.

I don’t know if I could trust anyone enough to where I’d feel comfortable marrying them. I’d be too afraid that they’d turn into someone different once the niqa was over. And even if I had a good wali, I’m still not sure I’d trust them even then, because they might fool the wali. And how do I even find a good wali? So if I can’t even get past the “finding a wali” phase, how can I go any further, as far as finding a marriage partner is concerned?

And not only that, I’m not sure I could trust myself! I’d be too afraid I’d displease him, and I’d wake up one day, and he’d want to leave me, because he’d start to think of me the same way my ex-husband thought of me.

Call me crazy, whatever, but I have to be honest about it. As much as I’d love to be married again, I almost feel I have no business getting married, unless I could find a good wali that I could share all of my concerns with. But how do I do that? If you’re only supposed to deal with brothers on a strictly “business-type” level, would divulging my insecurities to them be going to far into the “personal” realm?

I’m just too frustrated and tired. Reliance on Allah is key here. I’m just venting OK? I’m only saying this because, sometimes when I’ve poured out my heart to some sisters, I get a “rely on Allah” kind of statement! While this is true, and I need to rely on Allah, a part of me just wants to say “duh!” Like, tell me something I didn’t know!

Or like maybe you could act like you understood or cared, and not brushed me off by saying “rely on Allah”, which to me, feels and sounds like code for “get out of my face, ’cause I already got a good husband and a strong community and whatnot, so just get out of my face, you Erin, Tennessean, ’cause I gotta go offline and get to a haliqa at a sister’s house, so I don’t have time to console you or help you or give you a cyber hug or call you, and besides, you talk to too many brothers anyway”. And no, I’m not singling anyone out here, that quote was an attempt to encapsulate a broad range of feelings, in one simple statement.

So what do I do? If it seems, or it feels like all the other sisters I deal with online, and that is where most of my sisterly contact is taking place at this point, are more pious than me, more spiritually developed, have strong supportive communities, have good husbands and families, whatever, than what am I to do?

I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to burden them with my problems, but at the same time, I don’t know. It’s like I just want to cry and get all of it out, and just have someone just hug me and let me know that they understand. I don’t want to be judged harshly for my mistakes, I don’t want to be told how “wrong” I am, or what I’m doing is “haram”.

And I know some sisters that I know quite well will want to know “what is she talking about”, but I’m too afraid to disclose what I see as shortcomings or wrong actions on my part, because I’m too afraid of the harshness, I’m too afraid that all the sisters that I do know will run away so fast, they’ll be gone before I can say “Assalamu alaikum”.

I’m afraid if I just be completely honest about myself, then any good images of me, any good aspects of my character that I do have will be completely overshadowed by the bad.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I know I’ve been blessed. Allah has brought me through so much, an abusive marriage, a devastating house fire! And now, He’s blessed me with even more than I had before. I don’t want what I’ve written to be construed as an ungrateful person, complaining, and not content with what Allah has given me.

I know I’ve been truly blessed. But it’s said that Allah tests whom He loves. It’s also said in the Qur’an, “Do you think that you will not be tested, just because you say, we believe?” OK, so that’s not an exact quote, but the gist of it is that just because you say that you believe and just because you accept Islam, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to have an easy ride. Allah will still put tests and trials and struggles in your life! I ask forgiveness from anyone I’ve hurt or wronged, and I ask forgiveness from Allah, the Most High, because He is the best to forgive!

Is that right, is that how you say it? I’ve been Muslim for only five years, yet there’s so much I still don’t know!

My own feeling of inadequacy as a Muslim, a person, a woman, and the overwhelming pain that comes with that, I think, sometimes overshadows everything else. And the thing is, I just feel like I just don’t match up to anyone else, no matter how intelligent or loving or caring people may say I am. Because when people say that to me, my first reaction is to go, “yeah right, you’re just saying that”. And my next reaction is to want to say, “if you really knew who I was, you wouldn’t be saying all those nice things about me”.

I sometimes have the overwhelming, crushing feeling that my ex-husband was right about me! And what hurts even more is that other people have echoed those same sentiments. I’m a racist, I’m a hypocrite, I’m not a good Muslim, etc. I can write my ex-husband off when he says it, but when other people start saying the same thing, what should I make of that? And this sort of ties in to my post on Gambian issues / lists.

I don’t want to believe my ex-husband was right about me, and when I’m actually thinking about it, I know he’s not right, but it’s the “what if” factor rearing it’s ugly head saying, “What if he is right?”

OK, guys, let’s just be honest. I’m really confused! I got issues! So I suggest that everyone just run away from me now, before my very presence starts causing fitna and chaos! We wouldn’t want that to happen now would we?

And if there’s any brother who might be even remotely interested in me, you’d better run now, ’cause I got issues OK? Serious issues! You’d better run, and run real fast right now! ’cause I’ll mess you up! You’ll be running to my ex-husband begging him for advice before it’s all said and done with me!

OK seriously guys! I think I really need to end this now. But hey, I gotta just be open and honest, at least about the things I feel I can be open and honest about.

I think I need to have some hot tea and go to bed! And play some Qur’an or something! I need something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s to run to that imaginary place, to that imaginary muadhin, calling the adhan, at that imaginary masjid somewhere, maybe in The Gambia, maybe somewhere else! Where I can be part of an imaginary Muslim community, where everyone uses good adab, all the men treat their wives and families the way they should, knowledge abounds, there’s no fitna, you can actually use the words madhhab, tariqa, traditional Islam, etc., without getting treated as though you’ve left Islam altogether. OK, I’ll go ahead and keep dreaming…

I’m just so afraid that I’ve failed most of the tests Allah has put before me! And that is what frightens me!

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allAfrica.com: Gambia [opinion]: Skin Bleaching – A Cause For Concern

Posted by Ginny on August 17, 2005

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allAfrica.com: Gambia: Blind Journalist Talks Tough

Posted by Ginny on August 17, 2005

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