Why I Blog

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why it is that I blog. And I think that it’s mostly because I like to write, and I enjoy getting the feedback whenever it comes. But I’ve been going through my blog archives and I’m truly horrified at some of my posts! And comparing posts from years past with my current writing seems to indicate to me anyway that I’ve really not progressed much, and I’m beginning to wonder if my blogging is hindering my progress. I want my blog to be a place of positivity, to share things with people and to get feedback from the things that I share. I want my blog to kinda be a two-way conversation, where I say something to the affect of “hey did you see this, what did you think”, or “hey I had a really crappy day today”, and then get feedback.

I just don’t feel like my blog is a place where people want to be, and that bothers me. If my blog were a house, I’d envision it as a place of doom and gloom, where everyone is angry, upset, grouchy and generally not fun to be around. And yeah, I occasionally want to vent, but I don’t want this blog to be one big rant box. As I’ve mentioned before, I’d like to blog about the beautiful day we’re having here, or the adventure Chloe and I had, or something like that.

But the truth is, much of the time, I’m not at that place right now, at least not in my head. I don’t think I’m depressed or angry or anything, it’s just that I’m still pondering and reflecting over things in my mind, things that I’ve already blogged about many times already, and I just feel like I keep going over and over the same things over and over again, and much of those things are things that leave me feeling irritated, are things I don’t have closure to, and/or are things I’ve just not resolved in my head. And generally, when I’m like this, I tend to want to talk or write or blog about the same things over and over again, it’s just my way of dealing with something until I can sufficiently resolve it enough in my own mind to stop thinking / pondering over it and just put it to rest.

I’m not thinking of taking my blog down entirely or making it completely private, but I am considering making the bulk of my posts private until I can get out of this funk I’m in. I’ve tried the “taking my blog down”/”making my blog private” stuff before, and perhaps I like whatever small limelight or attention I do get too much, because that never seems to last too long and then my blog is back up. And that need for attention/recognition bothers me too. But I truly feel that perhaps instead of my blog drawing people here it’s pushing people away. And that bothers me.

I’m worried that I’m blogging for the attention, I’m blogging to be noticed, and I’ve often thought that I’m not sure that I want my issues and idiosyncrosies in plain view for the whole world to see/comment on. And every time I blog about something that upsets me, angers me, or even makes me happy, that’s what I may, even if inadvertently, be doing.

I post the below comment, regarding my latest reaction to Umar Lee’s recent blog post as an illustration and an example.

I think you let something personal get in the way of what you posted;

I didn’t even get through the first sentence, before I just stopped reading the comment altogether, because I didn’t want to hear/read the comment because I perceived it at the time as being negative/in disagreement with what I’d written. I wanted to tell them they’re wrong, that I don’t have anything personal against Umar Lee, except for the fact that I don’t agree with the methodology of Islam he follows, etc. However I knew I shouldn’t have even blogged about this in the first place. I knew it when I wrote the post, yet and still, I wrote it anyway. And let’s not even talk of continuing to read his blog, that’s another issue, although a related one, entirely.

I don’t know the history between you and Umar Lee or even if there is a history, although I get the impression there is.

I want to say that there’s not though my archived blog posts might suggest otherwise. If anyone, including this commentor, cared to look. Though as I said, it’s nothing “personal” for me anyway, though it might seem as much to an outside observer, and as they say perception is reality in many cases, and I just don’t have the energy to try and explain once again, where I’m coming from at this point. Because I thought I’d already explained it before.

Lee addressed a point many Muslims are talking about in the wake of what happened at Ft.Hood; I don’t think he was doing that to get at or make points against other Muslims who happen to disagree with him.

I really wish I’d not have ignored this comment when I first saw it, that I’d not have figuratively covered my ears and said “la la la la la”, because I really beg to disagree with this statement, because many of Umar’s posts have been directly at scholars/organizations that he has philosophical and other issues with. And the issue of Muslims in the military was just another opportunity for him to beat the same drum he’s always been beating. However, not only that, I shouldn’t have even blogged about this in the first place. Or at least, I should have made it a private post, if I felt so compelled to write about it, because instead of highlighting Umar’s issues, it highlighted my own, to which the commentor referred to above.

Muslims have served in the US military honorably almost 100% of the time about that there is no question, so if your point is they can you are correct and I agree wholeheartedly, but today’s US military has become an instrument of occupation and oppression of indigenous populations and not a protector of defender of the US, US interests, US citizens or the US constitution. No one should serve in the military under those circumstances, Muslim, Christian, other.

This comment really wasn’t as bad as the first sentence led me to believe. The fact that I didn’t finish reading it, as I’m thinking about it, speaks volumes about myself. Because I don’t think I blog so much because I want feedback or any kind of constructive criticism, but I blog because I want to write, to get things off my chest, and I blog publicly, because, truthfully speaking, I’d like to see how many people agree with me. Or are thinking the same things I’m thinking. I don’t like criticism too much, I tend to take it waaay too personally. And I think I know why, because when I’m criticized, I’m back at the blind school as a child, being criticized by that one houseparent, and not only being made to feel that that one quality of me may need work, but that none of me is good, that the whole of me is bad.

The thing is, that while what I’m blogging about today might seem cool and good and enlightened and all of that, I may read it a year or two from now and be truly horrified, like I was today in re-reading some of my past posts. And the fact is, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’m not sure if WordPress has a default blog setting, where individual posts can be set to a default privacy/security level as can be done on Livejournal. Because that’s what I’d like to do, until I can evaluate said posts and decide if they can be made public or if I should keep them private. Perhaps the best I can do at this point is just save the posts as drafts. Though I like putting them as private because then I can view them as blog posts within my blog, and I don’t have to go into the Drafts folder to find them.

The thing is, as much as I like the recognition my blog has gotten lately via other blogs and via BrassCrescent, I am slowly once again, coming to the realization that I’m not sure that blogging is contributing positively to either my own spiritual development, or the image of myself that I’d like to project online. But at this point, I’m thinking of my own spiritual development, and what Allah would want me to do, more than what kind of “image” I’m projecting to others. The fact that I’ll have to answer for everything I’ve written publicly on here I’m finding truly mortifying and frightening.

And while I know I have the right to do what I want with this blog, I don’t want to seem like I’m waffling or throwing another temper tantrum, having a private blog one minute and a public one the next. I want to make a clear and well-thought-out decision and do my best to stick to it. And the best course of action at this point is to keep my posts private, for the most part, but keeping the blog public, and only making posts public when some time has passed after writing the post, such that I can decide, after some reflection, whether or not it’s something that should even be put out for public consumption.

Bad Mood

I woke up in a bad mood, probably because one of the first things I heard this morning was that the Swiss had actually voted to ban minarets. But I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood. But also, it’s Sunday, which means that my long weekend is fast coming to an end. And it’s back to work tomorrow. And I didn’t sleep well. And I’m not feeling well.

I don’t like it when I get like this. I feel lazy, I don’t want to do anything, though I know I gotta clean the house today. I just want quiet. I want to do absolutely nothing. I want to watch football or basketball or both, to play on the computer, to just enjoy my last day of free time before it’s back to work tomorrow. I’m wondering to myself why I didn’t clean on Thursday, why I waited until Sunday to do it, when I knew very well that I wouldn’t want to do it then anyway? I coulda cleaned on Thursday and gotten it over with.

I do have a propensity for laziness, for procrastination, that I don’t like. Maybe I’ll feel better once I eat something. Maybe I’ll feel better once I’ve had a shower and re-braided my hair. It’s supposed to be in the 70’s today, maybe I’ll get outside and then I’ll feel better then.

Reacting to the Swiss Ban on Minarets

As I’ve not really been following this issue, I think I have more questions than answers. First question is why? What is banning minarets going to do? What is the goal? To force the Muslims already there out? To keep more Muslims from coming into the country? Because from my vantage point, which I realize isn’t a good one, it just makes the Swiss look really racist, bigoted, and close-minded, and I’ll just leave it there for now.

I’m just perplexed, but I know I shouldn’t be. I mean, what is the point? What does banning a minaret have to do with immigration, extremism, etc.? Well, as a Muslim, I won’t ever be going to Switzerland, I can tell you that. And if America did something like this, I’d probably have to start really questioning whether I wanted to stay here. Because it’s banning head scarves first, then minarets, why not just ban the religion of Islam altogether and ban Muslims from coming into the country and get it over with? But I guess minarets represent people’s ignorance and fear of the unknown, and they represent their already preconceived prejudices, and they feel like banning minarets will keep them safe at night or something, and they can use the excuse/reasoning that “we don’t dislike Muslims they are fine but minarets represent extremism or terrorism” or something. Congratulations Swiss for making yourselves look like a bunch of stupid racist people. At least to me here in America.

And I was really hoping they’d not do this, but somehow knowing they probably would. And I just feel angry and indignant, but ignorance, prejudice and racism usually has that affect on me anyway. And I kinda want to laugh, like banning a minaret is going to actually protect you from anything. Or make things better for you. All it’s going to do is make you look really ignorant and stupid. It’d all be really humorous, I feel the urge to laugh now as I’m typing this actually, if it wasn’t also so scary. What will they ban next? What measures will they take against the Muslims next? And which countries will be next to do this?

I’ll definitely remember this the next time anyone wants to tell me how open-minded Europe is. Well, perhaps if you’re talking about some countries where smoking pot and homosexuality and assisted suicide is legalized, but as far as Islam and Muslims are concerned, I don’t think I want to live in Europe. Islam and Muslims are definitely topics that the Europeans seem to be very close-minded on.

Trying out NVDA

Greetings, all, am currently trying out NVDA, a free Windows Screen-reader. I have to say that in the latest version, that I’m quite impressed. I’m not sure if I’d completely switch to it, but for a free screen reader, it does a pretty good job.

Now the Braille support has a bit to be desired, because none of the navigation and panning buttons work on the display itself, which makes things a bit difficult, but at least they have Braille support.

Anyway, will keep everyone posted as I learn this thing. Now I’m off to eat a sandwich that my husband just brought me.

Outside My Bedroom Window

Heard outside of my bedroom window. Interesting.

My Weekend So Far

Well, not doing much this weekend. Eating leftovers, watching sports and currently some documentary on the Weather Channel. It was cold this morning, I finally gave in and turned on my heat for a bit, though everyone else kept saying they were not cold. I was though. I was curled up in a ball, with my blanket pulled all the way around me, even over my head, and I still felt cold.

I only had my heat on for a while, though, just enough to take the chill out of the house, and considering it’s like 60 degrees now, I turned it off again. After I finish my food, I think I might take a shower, take Chloe out and let her rom around the house for a while. Per step daughter’s request. And I’m sure that Chloe wouldn’t mind it either, though right now she’s laying on her blanket I think taking a nap.

And yeah, I know this is pretty mundane blogging, but I’m tired of only blogging about things I’m unhappy about, or angry about, or things that I’m ranting about. I’d like for things to be more positive around here, even if all I’m blogging about is the beautiful day we’re having or the food I’m eating, or how Chloe greets me with a wiggle of her body and a wag of her tail.

It just bothers me that here lately it seems the only time it seems that I can sit down to write a post is when something or someone is bothering me. When I’m angry about something. When I have to get something off my chest. When I’m having a good day, or something positive happens, it doesn’t seem to be quiet as easy to muster up a blog post. And I’m finding myself wondering why that is.

Because it’s easy to say that I’m a positive person, yet if all I do is come and blog about a post I didn’t like, or an article that made me angry, or an issue that has me upset, I can talk all I want about how positive I am, but my blog posts are projecting a different picture.

And I’m not saying I can’t rant occasionally, but aside from my music posts, I feel that I really need some balance around here. Even if it’s just a neat quoatation I saw, or blogging about the beautiful day, or something cute or sweet that Chloe did, etc. I just feel that I need to do a better job of projecting the whole person that I am, and not just the angry, brooding, complaining type that seems to appear all too frequently on this blog as of late.

From the National Weather Service/Weather Underground

Special Weather Statement
Statement as of 1:34 PM EST on November 27, 2009

… Cold temperatures likely Saturday morning…

mainly clear skies and light winds will allow for rapid cooling
after sunset this evening. High temperatures today will only be
in the 60s… and temperatures will fall to near 40 north and 50
south by midnight. By morning… temperatures should bottom out
near freezing for the normally colder areas of the Nature
Coast… and in the mid 30s for the coldest areas of our central
and southern zones. Lee County may escape the 30s this time with
lows mainly in the 40s.

Patchy frost is one concern during the overnight hours. The ground
is still warm… so most likely the frost will be confined to the
rooftops of houses and cars. North of Tampa Bay… we may see
temperatures drop to near freezing before sunrise. These areas
could see frost on the ground and damage to tender vegetation is
likely where frost does occur.

Residents should cover or move indoors any cold sensitive plants
by this evening. Pets in Florida are not accustomed to the cold
and should be brought indoors for the night.

Fire Weather Watch
Statement as of 4:38 am EST on November 27, 2009

… Red flag warning remains in effect from 11 am this morning to
6 PM EST this evening…
… Fire Weather Watch remains in effect from Saturday morning
through Saturday afternoon…

A red flag warning remains in effect from 11 am this morning to
6 PM EST this evening. A Fire Weather Watch remains in effect
from Saturday morning through Saturday afternoon.

Dry air will continue to move into the region on northerly winds.
This will result in 4 or more hours of relative humidity below
35 percent late this morning through the late afternoon. Winds of 10
to 15 mph will accompany the arrival of this dry air mass and will
contribute to the critical fire weather conditions. Very similar
conditions will exist again on Saturday in the same areas with
lighter northerly winds.

Precautionary/preparedness actions…

A red flag warning is issued when very favorable conditions for
the spread of wildfire are occurring now… or will occur within
24 hours.

Please advise the appropriate officials or fire crews in the
field.

Ugh…

Well, not feeling very well this morning. Was awakened at about 2:45 AM by enormous bass from a car stereo, it was just a huge rumble, and at first it scared me out of my sleep it was so bad. It took me a few seconds to figure out what was going on. Then, I got up to use the bathroom, and I’m not sure if I jumped up too fast, or if it was being scared out of my sleep or what, but I started sweating (which was odd considering that it’s a bit chilly here this morning and the heat is not on in our house), and my stomach started feeling a bit nauseous. So I went and sat at the computer a bit to give my stomach time to calm down. Briefly looked at email, approved a blog comment, determined that my tummy had calmed down enough for me to be able to go back to bed, went and laid back down, told Chloe to go back to bed, who by this time was kinda sitting by the bed, probably wondering what the heck I was doing up at such an odd hour. Checked alarm to make sure it was set at the right time to wake hubby up for Fajr, and listened to whatever old-time radio show was on on XM Radio before drifting back to sleep.

Now I’m up again to take Chloe out, after waking my husband up. And the long and short of it is, I think I’ll stay home from the Eid Salat this morning. I’m sure my tummy’ll be fine, it’s just that I don’t like to go out in public with any kind of tummy trouble. It’s something I said I’d never do after throwing up in front of my entire fifth grade class once, which is a fear I still have, i.e., being sick in front of people. And I don’t want to be standing in the prayer line and start feeling ill, or be sitting at a table eating something, or otherwise in some area that I’m unfamiliar with, and all of a sudden feel the need to go to the bathroom, yet not knowing how to get there or having no one around to ask.

And that did kinda happen to me once. I’d gone to a sister’s house and spent the night with her and her family before Eid salat, and woke up not feeling well, and went to the Eid prayer anyway. I wasn’t feeling well, but took some food that was given to me, which I knew was a mistake anyway, but I did it so the person offering me the food wouldn’t feel bad, and all they had to drink was Mountain Dew, and maybe it was that that made me feel ill, but I asked the sister to take me to the bathroom, and although I didn’t get sick, I was so embarrassed about it. I think she and her son left early because of me, and when we got home, I slept for a couple hours, and she was nice and all, and I’m sure she wasn’t upset with me, but I still felt bad, because I felt like I was inconveniencing other people.

And although I’m sure I’ll be fine today, I didn’t sleep well, and a lot of times that makes me feel bad in and of itself. Put me in a crowd of people, most of whom I don’t know, when I already don’t feel that well to begin with, and that just makes things worse. So I think I’ll just stay home and rest.

Eid mubarak all. I’m sure I’ll be fine, I just need to sleep.

Uh Oh!

Greetings, all, I caught the last few minutes of the new V series on Tuesday night… The last thing I saw was that guy’s fiancee saying “I’m not tired ’cause of my meds, I’m tired because I’m pregnant” or something like that, and I was like “uh-oh”. He’s been trying to hide his past/who he really is from this lady, and, uh, well, now she’s about to find out lol. I think he’s one of the “V’s” that has been living among humans. Though he must have really fooled this girl good, because they’ve been living and uh sleeping together and though I think she seems to know something’s up, she can’t quite put her finger on it, though at one point she seems to think it’s antoher woman.

Now, I have to say that I’ve only caught sporadic bits of the past two episodes. So perhaps there’s something I’ve missed. And I’m still not sure if I’m going to keep following the show. But I gotta see how this pregnancy turns out lol so I guess I just contradicted myself, guess I’ll keep following the show after all. I actually think that’s what kept my attention on the original series. Wanting to know what the “alien baby” would look like lol.

As always, DVS/audio descriptions descriptions provided by my loyal readers would be most appreciated.

Eidul Adha Mubarak

Assalamu alaikum, a kinda early Eid Mubarak to all! May everyone have a safe, blessed, and joyous Eid! As always, keep me in your thoughts and duas. I love all of you for the sake of Allah. May Allah give us the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter and may He keep us on the straight path and guide us to the way that is best. Ameen.

Happy Thanksgiving for Those Who are Celebrating

Wanted to put up a separate happy Thanksgiving post. Try not to eat too much guys! And also, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers! And Inshallah, even the most in need of us enjoys this day and at least gets something to eat. I thought of that as I was interviewing my clients at work yesterday.

Yaum Al Arafah, Thanksgiving, and Eidul-Adha

Greetings and assalamu alaikum all.

Today is yaum-al-arafah today, rest of the house is fasting, I, however, am not able to fast today. So we’ll be delaying our traditional Thanksgiving meal until Iftar time.

Tomorrow is Eidul Adha, trying to decide if I’m going to go to the masjid for Eid prayers, yeah, I know it’s recommended, but, I’m afraid of being the only woman who can’t go into the prayer area, and who has to sit in the common area. I’m sure I won’t be, but maybe all of the other women who couldn’t pray stayed home too, and I was theonly one who dared to come out for the Eid, even though it is a Sunnah, even for, uh, women in my condition!

And why does that bother me!? When I can’t fast, I don’t hide that fact! Though something about going to the masjid, and, seemingly and figuratively, in front of everyone say, by not going into the prayer area, that “hey, I can’t pray, and I’m sure you know why!” as loudly as I can! I’m not sure why that is botheirng me, while say, not fasting at work is no problem. Probably because no one asks me at work why I’m not fasting. Whereas at the masjid I’m sure to get the “Sister, are you going to pray?” Question, and then I have to say, as softly and inconspicuously as possible, “uh, I can’t pray today, I just wanted to come to hear the talk, and/or to be with other Muslims”.

And all of this is funny, because I had this discussion with my husband, he was saying that if I cna’t pray, I couldn’t go to the masjid, and I was saying, but no, it’s a Sunnah to go for th eEid prayers, even if, well, you’re not able to pray. Alhamdulillah, that the shaykh who came during Ramadan to do the Tarawih prayers mentioned this very thing and encouraged the brothers to bring their families, even the women, and even if the women couldn’t pray, that they could sit in the common/reception area, where they serve the food for the Iftar. So yeah, I know it’s an encouraged Sunnah to attend the Eid prayer, but now that I’ve been “vindicated” lol, though I feel bad saying that because I can feel my ego kinda swelling a bit, now I’m not sure I wanna go.

How do other sisters in this situation deal with this kinda thing? Do you just not go or do you stay at home? Or are there enough Muslim sisters coming to the masjid in your same situation that it really doesn’t matter anyway? And why does it matter to me this year of all years?

Forecast and Weather Conditions for Winter Haven, Florida

From Weather Underground’s Braille Page:

Forecast as of 4:10 am EST on November 23, 2009
Today
Cloudy with scattered showers and slight chance of thunderstorms. Highs in the lower 80s. South winds around 5 mph shifting to the north in the afternoon.
Chance of rain 50 percent.
Tonight
Cloudy with a 20 percent chance of showers. Lows in the mid 60s. Northeast winds around 5 mph.
Tuesday
Mostly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of showers. Highs in the lower 80s. Northeast winds around 5 mph.
Tuesday Night
Mostly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of showers. Lows in the mid 60s. Northeast winds around 5 mph.
Wednesday
Mostly cloudy with a 50 percent chance of showers. Highs around 80. East winds 5 to 10 mph.
Wednesday Night
Mostly cloudy with a 40 percent chance of showers. Lows in the lower 60s.
Thanksgiving Day
Partly sunny with a 30 percent chance of showers. Highs in the upper 70s.
Thursday Night
Partly cloudy in the evening then clearing. Lows in the mid 50s.
Friday through Sunday
Mostly clear. Highs in the lower 70s. Lows in the upper 40s.

table with 2 columns and 20 rows
Updated: 6:53 AM EST on November 23, 2009
Observed at Winter Haven, Florida  
Temperature
68°F  
Humidity
100% 
Dew Point
68°F  
Wind
WSW at 4 mph  
Pressure
30.06 in (Rising)  
Conditions
Fog 
Visibility
0.2 miles  
Clouds  
Yesterday’s Maximum
81°F  
Yesterday’s Minimum
68°F  
Normal high
77°F  
Normal low
57°F  
Record high
88°F (1973)  
Record low
37°F (1956)  
Sunrise
06:55 AM (EST) 
Sunset
05:31 PM (EST) 
Moon Rise
12:05 PM (EST) 
Moon Set
11:32 PM (EST) 
Moon Phase
Waxing Crescent
Waxing Crescent

Be Careful Guys!

From Weather Underground:

Special Weather Statement
Statement as of 6:19 am EST on November 23, 2009

… Areas of dense fog will affect the Nature Coast and Tampa Bay area
until 900 am EST…

Areas of dense fog will affect the mentioned areas with significant
impacts to driving conditions along major interstates and highways.
Reports from around the area have indicated visibilities dropping
below half a mile over large areas with localized visibilities at
a quarter mile or less range.

The fog will reduce visibility to near zero in some areas. Motorists
should slow down… especially along Interstate 4… 75 and 275. Use
low beam headlights… or find an alternative Route. In
addition… motorists should be prepared for rapidly changing
visibility within the fog bank.

It’s Monda…

… And I didn’t sleep well. Had one of those nights where I kept waking up, though I keep reminding myself that at least I can work from home today.

But I’m just dragging today, and kinda have this cough thing / a bit of throat irritation going on.

Think I’ll relax/watch the news or Weather Channel or something until time to start work. Because I don’t think I want to try to go back to sleep. Then I feel worse than I did when I initially woke up.

Didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night. Which shows you just how far I’ve come, used to be a time I’d not miss it. Now, I just don’t care.

Spent the night having a discussion on what a marmoset was with my husband, and browsing Twitter via my cell phone.

Listened to ESPN radio talk about football, and it sure doesn’t hurt that the Colts are now 10 and 0 *yay!*.

And other than that, nothing much to say I don’t think. At this point anyway. I’m kinda in short week/holiday mode anyway, so hopefully that will make the day go faster.

A Really Good Day

Assalamu alaikum, I had a really good day! I went outside with Chloe this afternoon, after listening to the Colts game (they’re 10 and 0 by the way *yay*!) My husband grilled some chicken and made some rice and vegetables to go with it. So I played with Chloe a bit, ate dinner outside where I could enjoy the warm weather and nice breeze. Then I came back inside to pray Maghrib as it had gotten dark outside and I guess we still have mosquitoes because I think they were starting to come out.

I get to work from home this week, and it will be a short week as I have Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving. This works out well for the upcoming Eidul Adha holiday. Though with all of the turkey and other food for Thanksgiving, coupled with the lamb and whatever other food we have for the Eid itself, I feel quite gluttonous and that bothers me! I feel the need that if we can’t invite anyone we know over for some food, that I feel like just going out and grabbing some random person off the street and inviting them in for something to eat. Now obviously, I’d not actually do this. But I’ve told my husband that he should invite someone he knows over for some food. I’ve even thought of just calling people and saying “hey wanna come to Florida for a visit?” Although pretty much everyone I know, as far as I know, has their own plans too, and will probably have plenty of food to eat themselves, or Inshallah they will anyway.

So I’m looking forward to this week, because even though I have to work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, it almost feels like a vacation as I don’t have to go into the office. And my step-daughter is here for the week too! So I’m sure that all kinds of fun and frivolity will insue, especially with a Golden Lab in tow. I just have a feeling that it’s going to be a really good week, Inshalah it is one.

What Kinda Muslim Am I?

Assalamu alaikum, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of a Muslim I am. Or, I should say, what kind of a person I am. Muslim only being part of that. The thing is, I have a way of seeing both sides of things, of seeing the gray area, of seeing the nuances in things. Perhaps that’s why the one-size-fits-all approach to Islam that some people have, or the Salafi/Wahhabi strain of Islam, with its attendant harshness and severity, and lack of flexibility, never appealed to me. Though at the same time, it’d not be fair to clasify me as some kinda liberal Muslim who is watering down the religion either. Though I’m sure some would put me in that cateogry and that’s OK.

See, some things, I’d be considered to be a Liberal on (such as issues of social justice), whereas with other things, I’m quite Conservative, and then I have an opinion that says that maybe for me it’s not OK, but for someone else, that opinion might be different. There are many issues like that. For example, I think abortion generally is wrong, except in cases where the life of the mother is in danger, and possibly in cases of rape or incest. I don’t, however, think that abortion should be freely available to anyone who wants it. Having said that, though, I’m not going to go on any kind of pro-life march, I’m not going to picket abortion clinics, and I’m not going to seek to change the laws one way or another. I just don’t feel the need to do that, as at this point, my opinions don’t fit into either of the camps campaigning on either side for a change to the law as it stands now.

Homosexuality is another topic that I kind of have a nuanced view on, because it’s obviously not right, so I’m not going to campaign for gay marriage, but I’m also not going to be a vigilante and try to find out what people are doing in their own bedrooms either. And I also don’t think people should be targeted for being gay either. Because until our country truly becomes a “Christian” or some other “religious” country, and while we’re a secular nation, people can pretty much do what they want.

But I can’t support gay marriage on religious grounds. I just can’t, and I can see where that issue is compared to the civil rights issue, etc., but I just don’t agree with that, except if you’re talking about violence or discrimination against gays, then perhaps I could get behind that. But saying that preventing anyone other than a man and a woman from getting married should be a civil rights issue, and is an act of discrimination in and of itself, I don’t agree with. Saying that you don’t think that homosexuals should be mistreated is not the same as saying you support gay marriage. Just as saying that Muslims in the military should be supported, or that what Nidal Hasan did was dispicable, is not the same as saying that it’s OK or encouraged for Muslims to serve in the military, and I don’t know of any Muslims who are actually encouraging Muslims to serve in the military. As I said in my previous post, I’d like to know who has said this and on what show so I can look it up. And as I’ve also said before, given that you have many US military installations in so-called “Muslim lands”, it doesn’t make the issue as cut-and-dry as it would seem to appear to be.

I also don’t have some kinda narrow definition of manhood or womanhood that’s based on my neighborhood, upbringing or what the latest pop or rap song tells me it should be. And then try to apply that to Islam. If some of the Mothers of the Believers (may Allah reward them all) fought in battles, and if the Prophet (peace be upon him) was reported to have helped with the household chores, then who am I to go around accusing other Muslims of not being man enough, or being too feminine. My husband does the majority of the cooking in this house, and farbeit for me or anyone else, for that matter, to question his manhood just because he cooks. I think before we talk about what being a “man” is and what being a “woman” is, we need to get to the heart of what we’re talking about. Because sometimes you have very emotional men, and sometimes you have very stoic women, that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with them, and it most certainly doesn’t mean they’re “gay”.

And while I’m aware of Al Fatiha (the gay Muslim group) and certain “progressive” Muslims, I don’t think they represent the majority of the Muslim community, anymore than the extremists do. And while some media outlets may give them a voice that isn’t proportional to their influence in the community, it doesn’t mean that they’re taking hold or taking over or anything else. And groups like Zaytuna, etc., are not “progressive” in the sense that they want to water down Islam, they don’t condone homosexuality (though it seems many want to hold on to this falacy even though it’s been proven to be patently false), etc., and if there are any “gay Muslims” at the “white house iftar”, I’m certainly not aware of it. Perhaps groups like Zaytuna realize the world we live in, that while they don’t want to water down the religion, that perhaps talking about Jihad all of the time might not be such a good idea, given the climate that we find ourselves in and given the weak state of the Muslim Ummah in this day and age! This doesn’t mean that they’re hiding the truth or not speaking the truth, it’s just that, well, how can we fight any kind of Jihad when our own souls and communities are in such a shambles (remember we’ve got the “kuffar” in “Muslim lands” no doubt). What good is talking about “jihad” when it would make things worse for the Muslims? Perhaps that is the angle that it should be looked at, and not from the “oh those Muslims are just a bunch of feminized and/or gay Muslims who want to water down Islam to make it pallitable to George W. Bush and the Rand Corporation, etc.)

Anyway, I digress. So anyway, here is the kind of Muslim I am… I am a Muslim who strives to adhere to the Qur’an and Sunnah the best way I know how. I strive to perfect my character and purify my heart the best way I can. I do this by following Maliki fiqh, and a tariqa, though the tariqa part isn’t necessary but optional (and as far as I’m concerned the madhhab part is optional too, though based on those I’ve asked and my limited research, I have come to the understanding that it’s necessary). And just because I do the above doesn’t mean I’m somehow trying to water down or ignore the Qur’an and Sunnah, it’s just that I don’t have the knowledge to make rulings for myself so I defer to those who have that knowledge, in issues that I don’t have the answer for. And Muslims serving in the military is but one example of one of those answers that I don’t feel I can make a ruling on.

I am the kind of Muslim who thinks that celebrating non-Muslim holidays isn’t necessarily haram either, as long as said holiday doesn’t have a religious connotation to it. For example, I’m getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday (in fact I’ve been planning the menu today, I’m having turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, rolls and pumpkin pie). Now I understand why some would not celebrate such a day given its history, but I tend to look at it as a day to spend with friends and family, to take time to give thanks for what I have, for what Allah has given me (and I sheepishly have to admit that I also get to eat a bunch of food and watch football, too), and I can’t see how that could be wrong/a bad thing. Now of course, I’m not going to celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, or Halloween. Again, providing perspective is key here. If you feel that you yourself shouldn’t celebrate a certain holiday, then don’t. But in areas where there may be a difference of opinion on the issue, why can’t we just live and let live, and let those who celebrate, celebrate, and those who don’t, don’t. But that’s just something that some of us Muslims can’t do. We don’t feel quite right unless we’re “haram-ing” someone, “takfir-ing” someone, “kuffar-ing” someone, or otherwise issuing cyber/insta-fatwas to one and all, with absolutely no knowledge or qualification to do so. Some of us can’t be satisfied unless we’re sticking our fingers in someone else’s plate, so to speak.

And perhaps that’s why I don’t know about supposedly all of the Muslims who’ve been going around on all of the TV/radio programs telling Muslims it’s OK to serve in the US military, or about the “gay Muslims at the white house iftar”, because I’ve just not been paying attention. I’ve kinda been busy and stressed with work, I’ve been dealing with my own issues of self-esteem, self-worth, etc., the same issues I’ve always struggled with. I’ve been completely dissatisfied with myself lately. Because I’ve completely lost the spiritual progress that I’d made during Ramadan. I’ve been struggling with a lowness in Iman lately, though Alhamdulillah it’s gotten much better. Basically, I’ve kinda been too busy to notice what other Muslims were doing, and I tried to ignore what Nidal Hasan did, because honestly, take the “Muslim” out of it and he just seems to be a man who had severe mental issues that unfortunately weren’t dealt with soon enough to prevent the injury and loss of life that ended up happening. “Islam” or “being a Muslim” doesn’t seem to have much to do with it, except that he didn’t want to go to Iraq/Afghanistan, though shouldn’t he have known all of that before he joined? Or couldn’t he have gotten out when it became clear that we’d be fighting in those places, if fighting in those places made him so distressed? Anyway, these are questions that I, personally, don’t have the answers to.

And I’m digressing again. Basically, I tend not to look at things as “black and white”, because many times, there is a lot of gray area. I mean, clearly, there are certain things that are unanimously known to be haram, so I’m not saying that there’s a gray area regarding zina or alcohol or anything like that. But once you get passed the five pillars, and the things that are by unanimous concensus of the scholars known to be halal or haram as the case may be, then you get into a lot of the gray area, that perhaps Muslims in the US military, or listening to music, or celebrating non-Muslim holidays might fall.

And I’m generally the kind of Muslim who tries to live and let live, even if there’s something that I don’t agree with. Because there could be something going on behind-the-scenes, out of my view, that I don’t know about. And I sure don’t want to pop off at the mouth about something that I thought I knew, then find out later that I had no idea what I was talking about, that there were perhaps things going on that I didn’t know about. I mean, I can’t talk about the “coffee shop Muslims in the Bay Area”, because I’ve never been to a copy shop in the Bay Area, and I’ve only been to California once. And the Muslims I saw there weren’t what you’d call “liberal” or “watered-down” Muslims, I can most definitely assure you. And as far as “white house iftars” go, I’ve never been to DC or the White House, so again, can’t speak on that either.

My experience of the Muslim community has been quite limited really, and perhaps not that representative. And I have indeed made the mistake of speaking about certain aspects of the Muslim community that I indeed had no knowledge of, and got called on it quite severely. So I truly don’t want to make that mistake again. And it’d sure be nice if others didn’t continue to make that mistake either.

I Know I Shouldn’t Be Doing This But…

Assalamu alaikum, taking a deep breath and posting this with as little comment as I can manage, because I’ve been going back and forth in my head as to whether or not I should even address this at all, because, well, it really is a waste of time, and there really isn’t anything new being said here! It’s the same disdain for certain supposedly affeminate and liberal Muslims, and of course, the this time unnamed swipe at scholars and organizations who are supposedly telling Muslims it’s OK to join the military and to “support our troops”. Perhaps the fact that I’m posting this at all says more about me than the blog post that is compelling me to comment in the first place. From Umar Lee (1, 2), as well as a response.

Though I do have a few questions. What Muslims and what Muslim organizations said that serving in the US military was permissible/encouraged? What Muslims and Muslim organizations said that we should “support the troops”. Because perhaps I’m not watching enough TV, or listening to enough radio or something, because I’ve heard no such thing. And I’m wondering if this is meant to discuss a pertinent issue to the Muslim community or just another excuse to get in a dig at certain Muslims, who we all know who and what he’s talking about, that he seems to have a problem with.

Anyway, I’ve already stated my feelings about Muslims serving in the US military, which is something that I have serious misgivings about to say the least, and is something that I’d not do myself, nor would I recommend that others do it, and if anyone told me they were thinking of joining the military, I’d discourage it, for a variety of reasons, whether or not they were Muslim. However, I don’t feel I’m qualified to go around telling Muslims that not only is it haram but that the very act of serving in the US military takes them out of the fold of Islam altogether. And I think this is a very serious statement/charge to make, although this is lost within the “scholarly opinions” that Umar Lee cites. Because you’re not only saying that Muslims in the military are committing a haram action, or an act of disbelief, but that committing said action makes them non-Muslims. And we, IMHO, really need to be careful of doing this.

And I won’t even dignify the quips about “attending the iftar at the White House with gay Muslims” or the so-called “coffee shop Muslims” in the “Bay Area”, because as I said before, we’ve been down this road before, and I don’t think these posts were just supposed to be about “Muslims serving in the military”. It’s once again a fellow Muslim’s displaying of their own issues with “manliness” and “femininity”, and supposedly liberal, gay, or affeminate Muslims. It’s once again about a kindergartener trying to tell the teacher how they should teach class, and that they’re doing it wrong, nothing more nothing less. It’s the same song, just a slightly different variation.

So why am I even blogging about this then? I really need to figure out how to remove feeds from my feed reader I guess, because that is how I even came across these posts in the first place. It was the title of “educating Muslims” etc., that got my attention. And then before I realized what I was reading, it was too late. And perhaps this says more about me than it does about Br. Umar. I should be able to walk away from this, I know. I know I shouldn’t even be wasting my time writing this post, except that I did want to blog about “Muslims in the military”, then when I started writing, I realized that I had nothing really to add to the discussion, so I stopped and decided to drop that subject. Because, as I said before, it’s an issue that in today’s time and place is very nuanced, considering the state of the Muslims today. I mean, Saudi Arabia (the country from which the scholars that Umar Lee quotes from hail) allowed US military bases to be set up in their own country! Which allowed them to go into Kuwait and drive out the Iraqi Army during the first Gulf War. And I’m not sure if those same bases were used for the second Iraq war or not, but my point is, what do said scholars have to say about that? And the great and wonderful government of Saudi Arabia is allowing luxury hotels to be built in Mecca, and is there not a McDonald’s in Mecca too? The newer buildings are even overlooking the Masjid Al-Haraam for goodness sake! And yet they destroy in the process historic Islamic sites on the pretext of “keeping Muslims from worshipping graves”, etc. I don’t even want to get started on all of that! But I sense a bit of hypocrisy too. Because you’ve got a so-called Muslim country, the “care takers of the two holy mosques” no less, allowing Islamic sites to be destroyed, and allowing the “kuffar army” into their land! So what about that? How are these scholars that Umar quotes from any less, hmmm, I don’t know, hypocritical or “deviant” than the scholars and groups here in the US that many seem to feel are “going against the real Islam” or whatever you want to call it and allegedly saying its OK for Muslims to join the military, which is something that I’ve not myself heard any of them say.

Because one individual Muslim, joining the US military, isn’t allowing skyscrapers to be built where, hmmm, the house of one of the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) companions once stood. And they’re not destroying other historic sites so that a luxury hotel could be built so that the wealthy coming for Hajj don’t actually have to “mingle with the masses”, so to speak, and endure any hardship on what is supposed to be the “journey of a lifetime”. Heck, I just read a story a while back about some new hotel they’re proposing to build. A super hotel with a spa, butlers, etc. And they’re not allowing “kuffar armies” into Saudi Arabia to use it as a base to attack other Muslim countries.

All I’m saying is if you want to call scholars out, and Muslims, in general out, for their unwillingness to “speak the truth” or “follow the Qur’an and Sunnah”, and vor encouraging Muslims to join the military, let’s be fair, at the very least, and not just call out scholars and organizations that you don’t happen to like, all in the guise of talking about “the permissibility of Muslims serving in the US military”.

And yes I know, I did what I said I wasn’t going to do and commented on something that clearly isn’t worth my time! And I’m upset with myself about it! I mean, I wasted part of my weekend writing this post! But as I said, I couldn’t help myself. Perhaps I like drama and debate more than I feel comfortable admitting to myself or anyone else, for that matter. I’ve always said that I have an argumentative side, and it’s really something that I try to work on, though I fear that it’s won out this time unfortunately. But certain things bother me! And hypocrisy and saying stuff about people that you’d not have the gutts to say to their faces, while you walk around questioning others manhood, manliness and Muslimness are but a few things that’ll bring that side of me out in a heartbeat, which is why I even linked to his posts (though I considered not doing so, but he has a right to know when he’s being criticized)! That and a complete lack of the ability to see any nuance/gray area in a situation, an disdain for education, knowledge, intellectualism, or disdain for those who are educated, have knowledge, or value said education and intellectualism.

The thing is, there is 1400 years of Islamic history, 1400 years of Islamic scholarship, eminating from West Africa to China, and you can’t just narrow it down to a few scholars from one particular country. Sorry. Islam itself, and Islamic scholarship, in general, is just too vast for that, to just quote a couple of opinions, from a couple of scholars who are speaking from their own knowledge and methodology, and then use that as just another way an another reason to lambast certain Muslims that you don’t seem to agree with!

I Still Can’t Say Their Wrong

Assalamu alaikum, OK “beating a dead horse warning” is now in effect for the remainder of this post!

But you know how sometimes lightbulbs kinda go off in your head? Well, I think that just happened to me. See, I was reading IslamicMoon.com’s “Eid Report”, which pretty much says the same thing they’ve always been saying, which is OK, and the thing is… They’re just as confusing to me as the people they’re rebutting! I mean, the report isn’t well written, or perhaps I should say, I can hardly understand it! And we wonder why we just “follow the leaders”, so to speak, because it’s ever so much easier.

I understand what they’re trying to say, I really do. However, there, hmmm, not sure how to explain it, “arrogance” perhaps, or they and other sites’ “condescending way” of presenting things, though these don’t seem to be the wrong words that seem to fit the description of what I’m trying to say, but it’s the best I can come up with now, that I don’t like!

The thing is, a lot of the scholars have come up with rulings in order to make things easier, to facilitate things for us, or to make use of new technologies that we now have access to. I, as a layperson, can’t say whether it’s permissible or not. But I can’t say that those who followed Country A are wrong while those who followed Country B are right. As I mentioned previously, we all have to do what we feel comfortable with, and I can’t believe that *every* Muslim scholar or astronomer that has weighed into this debate has intentionally mislead the Muslims. I just can’t do it.

For me, it’s a simple matter, just go out and sight the moon, every month, and if you don’t want to make it a strictly local sighting, perhaps make it time zone or region specific or something, but it’s a fairly simple proposition! Just go out and sight the moon every month! Perhaps if more of us did this, or appointed a group of people to do this for us, then we’d not have all of the problems we’re having. Which brings me to another point, one thing I’ve seen in IslamicMoon.com’s “special reports” is a criticism of the ulama in the UK’s decision to follow a “sighting from the East”, etc. And really, I don’t see anything wrong with this decision, as in many places in the UK, seeing the moon is difficult due to it being cloudy a lot of the time, or so I’ve read. And yes, the Prophet (PBUH) or Muslims in general, may not have done this before, however, perhaps they did not face the kinds of conditions that they face in the UK, which would cause the majority of Islamic months to go 30 days, and this, for some reason that I don’t quite know, can cause some kinda problem with the Hijri calendar as a whole or something. It kinda reminds me of the rulings made for Muslims living in places like Alaska or in the Arctic where the sun may not rise or set for long periods of time. So obviously, for prayer times and for fasting and breaking the fast, other rulings have to be employed other than what the Prophet did, being that he, as far as we know, was never faced with anything like having months of total darkness or months where the sun doesn’t set.

I’m not saying that I feel entirely comfortable with using a strictly calculated calendar to determine the start and end of Islamic months, but I feel my position softening a bit, I don’t feel so “hardline” about it, nor the need to get into contentious debates about it, nor do I feel the confusion that I so often do regarding this issue. Now if anyone were to ask me, and they’ve not as of yet, I’d say that we should go with a local sighting, or at least a regional one within a certain, pre-determined, geographical area. But no one’s asked me, my local masjid has their own criteria, which I’m not entirely sure of, but it seems to correspond with what Saudi does, and it doesn’t appear that they’ll be changing that any time soon.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve been able to follow sightings in the Caribbean which happens to coincide with my local community, which takes away my uneasiness at having to “go it alone”. Perhaps it’s because Saudi, from what I understand, is going strictly on calculations now, for the Ramadan, as well as the Hajj and the two Eids (I think I might have linked to that article before, see previous moon sightings posts), and of course, for the rest of the Islamic year, they use a pre-calculated calendar. So perhaps their slight change in determining the start of Islamic months is doing away with the truly odd start and end dates they’ve had in the past.

Because I think that’s what bothered me before, as it was never a global vs local thing for me it was a “but the moon wasn’t even born yet” kinda thing, which really got me started on this obsession of mine, that and trying to figure out why 2 or 3 or more sites differed on when they were telling/asking the Muslims to go out and look for the moon. Perhaps making a point to post moon sightings every month has also helped in settling this issue for me, and not making it such a source of confusion and doubt for me.

My Brother

This is the beginning of a probable series on posts written to and about my family, just to let them know that I’ve not forgotten then *smile*, that I’m thinking about them.

Hello, all, was thinking about writing this post last night, almost couldn’t sleep for trying to construct the post in my head. But I was already tired from Chloe waking me up so early yesterday morning, and I’d already written so much yesterday. I seem to have a burst of creativity going on Mashallah. So anyway…

I love my brother, I’ll just start by saying that. I love my family, in general, and I don’t see many of them nor talk to them nearly as often as I should or would like to. But… I was thinking about my brother and I last night, how close we used to be.

My brother is almost exactly 4 years and one month younger than me. I was born in May of 1975 and he was born in June of 1979. And he really was a good brother, and he had a lot asked of him from a young age, because of his blind older sister. If we were playing outside, he had to make sure to guide me if I needed help, if we were walking somewhere where I didn’t know my way, he had to take me. When my mom taught me how to type, he had to read from the typing book when she couldn’t. I have jokingly said in the past that we both had to look out for each other, I, as the older sister, had to keep him out of trouble, and he, as the sighted younger brother, had to keep me from running into things, or falling into things, etc.

And I don’t think he realizes how much he has meant to me, and how much I miss him now that I live in Florida and hardly see him. I miss discussing music, or politics, or technology with him. I sure wish he was around to fix my electronic gizmos and gadgets when they break, because, well, let’s just say, my husband is kinda technologically illiterate unfortunately.

My brother has made me laugh, and he always showed me how much he cared in that brotherly way of his, usually by pestering the heck out of me! But the thing is, we’re not as close as we once were, probably because of distance, probably because of just normal everyday life getting in the way, probably because of little sibling spats every now and then.

But I just wanted him to know how much I always appreciated him, how much I love him, what a good brother he’s been, even though he did punch me in the nose when I was 7, and I got the worst nosebleed of my life, but that’s another story, and I actually laugh about it now, though I didn’t then of course.

I remember when we were kids, we rode bigwheels together, swam together, went to King’s Island, and Old Indiana together, rode our tandem bike pretty much till the thing fell apart. And we used to have some mean, knock down drag out Scrabble games, though we really had a lot of fun. When our kitchen caught on fire once, before he did anything else, he threw my coat at me and made sure I got out of the house, and he stayed inside to call for help. He was always there to talk to, play with, pester, tease, lol, he’s my brother lol. He was there to give me a ride, take Abby to the vet, help me give Abby any medicine she needed (and believe me it normally took two of us to do it). I could pretty much always count on him for anything I needed.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this, just to let him know that I love him, and was thinking about him, and I miss him a lot.

I love you Que, you’re a great and wonderful brother! I miss you and wish I could come home and visit more often. You really are a great brother and I don’t think you’ve ever been thanked or apreciated enough for being the kind of brother you’ve been to me! And give my nephew Gage a big hug and a kiss from Aunt Ginny!