On Questioning Islam

Assalamu alaikum, just wanted to make clear that I’m not questioning Islam itself or being a Muslim. Just questioning certain interpretations of it, and perhaps whether or not I’ve gotten some things wrong. Which as I’ve thought about it, have done some reading, and conversed with people, doesn’t seem to be the case. And there’s something to be said about talking with and keeping company with knowledgeable people, and not letting what just anyone posts online cause you so much trouble. Because that gets back to the anonymity of the Net, and that because of said anonymity, one must take much of what one reads with a grain of salt.

And from this point on, I have no idea where I’m going with this post, I’ve written and re-written, deleted and re-typed, only to erase it all and start over, because I have a lot of thoughts in my head, whirling around, most of which I’ve already blogged about, so I don’t want to rehash them again, even though I know I have a penchant for doing just that. But I mainly wanted to let everyone know that I have no intention of leaving Islam. I’ve just been shaken by a few things I’ve seen online, which on reflecting on it, shouldn’t have shaken or troubled me so much. It’s really funny how something one minute won’t even phase you, but the next the very same thing has bothered you so much that you’re totally preoccupied with it and stressed over it.

Anyway, I fear sometimes that this blog loses balance because many times the only times I feel spurred to come on here and write are when I’m upset, angry, confused, depressed, or some other “negative” emotion. I don’t think I write as much when I’m happy, worry-free, content, etc. Because those kind of thoughts seem to be more like twitter updates than full-fledged blog entries. Because it seems easier to go on and on about what’s bothering me, or what’s got me thinking and why, whereas the “I’m happy” posts are something like “hey things are cool, Chloe’s cool, bye see ya later”. Or “here’s today’s track and why I like it”.

And then I have the occasional articles I link on here with little or no comment, and of course you can see my google reader’s shared items and my Twitter updates. But it bothers me that the only time I sit down to craft a thoughtfully written post is when I’m upset, angry, frustrated, feeling depressed, or just plain need to vent, or it least that’s how it feels anyway. And that really bothers me, because it makes me wonder what kind of an image of myself that I’m projecting to the world. Which then gets me back to whether or not to blog, and then I think of how much I like to write and like to have people read what I write, and so I decide to continue blogging.

But anyway, I still don’t know where I’m going with this post, so perhaps I should end it. I’d wanted to nap a bit anyway before I start work in about an hour. I’m just having one of those moments where I have a lot I want to say, but I can’t quite get it out and I know that I’ve probably said it all before a thousand times anyway. So on that note, I’ll go for now.

Two Tragedies: Imam Luqman and Fort Hood – Khutbah by Imam Dawud Walid » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings

Two Tragedies: Imam Luqman and Fort Hood – Khutbah by Imam Dawud Walid » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings.

Thoughts on the Ft. Hood Tragedy » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings

Thoughts on the Ft. Hood Tragedy » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings.

Muslim Americans Must Obey U.S. Laws; Nidal Hasan Disobeyed Islamic Doctrine at Loonwatch.com » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings

Muslim Americans Must Obey U.S. Laws; Nidal Hasan Disobeyed Islamic Doctrine at Loonwatch.com » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings.

Short Open Letter to Anwar al-Awlaki by Omar Muzaffar » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings

Short Open Letter to Anwar al-Awlaki by Omar Muzaffar » Suhaib Webb – audio, discussions, translations and musings.

Monday, Monday

Assalamu alaikum, well, interesting start to the morning lol. Well, not really lol but… Chloe had a rare bathroom accident, probably because she drank more water than normal and didn’t wake me up in the night to go out. And she wasn’t too forceful about needing to go out this morning. I think it happened when I was in the bathroom taking my shower, and for some reason, I didn’t notice it until I’d brought her back in the house from taking her outside where, oddly, she didn’t have to use the bathroom (because of course she’d already gone in the house). And it was at that point that I realized that she’d peed in the floor. Yuck! That’s almost worse than cleaning up solid waste! And the smell lingers longer too. Now I’m worried about it leaving a stain, because I didn’t have any Resolve to clean it up. Not to mention the purity issue from an Islamic perspective. *sigh*

Also, I hate it when I get so “negative” Islamicly speaking, either when I blog about an issue affecting Muslims that is troubling me or bothering me, or when my faith is not terribly strong, both of which have been happening all to frequently lately, and it really is starting to scare me.

I don’t think my faith has been this shaken and tested since I was with my ex-husband, and I told myself that Inshallah, it would never get that bad again. And I’m not talking about “leaving Islam” bad, but perhaps leaving the community bad. I mean, I couldn’t see myself abandoning prayer or fasting or hijab, though at this point, just doing the basics is about all I can muster. I just feel sluggish, tired, kinda like I’m trying to swim and I’ve gotten tired, and I’m in the deep end and the waves are battering me and if I’m not careful I’ll just drown.

I’m starting to get confused about what is “Islamic” and what is not, what is something that should be condemned, and what isn’t. I’m starting to feel like I was sold “dawa-friendly” Islam, only to be shown the “real deal” once I said Shahadah, or at least once I found myself around Muslims who thought it was safe to, well, maybe not condone actions such as those of Nidal Hasan, but at the very least, call Muslims who condemned Hasan’s actions “apologists”. And then you see the issue of Muslims in the military, or the US military’s role in the killing of Muslims come up again.

And this is of course on top of and on the heels of the issues recently brought up regarding the community in Jordan. And I’d actually gotten to the point where I’d made peace with that whole thing, and, well, I’d wanted to use the term “washed my hands of it”, though I think that term’s a bit harsh. But, I had decided, for my own spiritual well-being, to leave it to Allah to make the truth, whatever it is, known, and I asked Allah’s forgiveness for any wrong I’ve done, and left it for those who are or were actually involved to decide the best course of action. And I decided to put the issue to rest. Which admittedly, is something that I should have done in the first place, even though I have my own thoughts and opinions on the issue. Because this just plain isn’t my business! It’s hurtful yes, it leaves me with many misgivings, yes, but it’s not something that I can solve or deal with, or tell others how to deal with it, even if I were in some kind of a position to do anything. And I sure wish I’d have come to this realization to start with.

So anyway, I have made peace with this whole thing, and really didn’t pay too much attention to the Fort Hood incident, only to see messages on an email list I’m a member of, seemingly implicitly condoning what Nidal Hasan did. And again admittedly, maybe I read too much into the post. But at the very least, calling Muslims who condemned the actions of Maj. Hasan and offered condolences to the affected families “apologists”, questioning their allegiance, and then bringing up the US military’s involvement in the killing of Muslims, etc., If this isn’t “condoning” Maj. Hasan’s behavior, then what is it? “Making excuses for” perhaps? I don’t know, however, my very being says what he did was wrong, and what I knew of Islam said what he did was wrong. Muslims in the military, the status of Muslim vs. non-Muslim relations and how Muslims should deal with Muslims and non-Muslims are all points that seem to be open for discussion and debate, and those aren’t issues that I have the mental strength or requisite knowledge to even get into at this point.

But what I do know and feel is that we as Muslims can’t expect to be treated any better if we don’t treat others, even “the kuffar” the way we want to be treated. We can’t demand something from non-Muslims that we’re not able or willing to give ourselves. If we want non-Muslims to treat us well, to respect us, to stop killing us, then perhaps we should stop killing each other, perhaps we should treat each other the way we would like others to treat us. Simple principles yet many of us don’t abide by them.

I’m sorry to keep blogging about the same things over and over again. I know I have a tendency to keep beating a dead horse, and it’s a tendency I can’t seem to get rid of. But my faith has been severely tested, shaken, torn down in recent months. And I feel as though I’m screaming, yelling and no one is hearing me. I feel as htough I’m swimming in a deep pool and I’m getting weak, and I fear that I may just go under and/or worse, just give up altogether. Because I’m tired! And it would be just so easy to do that. But something won’t let me! I can’t just stop praying, stop fasting, take off my hijab tomorrow, even if I’m a white woman and could just take off my hijab and blend back into the “non-Muslim world” tomorrow. I just can’t do that! No matter how tired I feel, no matter how much of my “Muslimness” that I’m questioning at this point, I can’t even begin to see myself going that far.

So I’m a Muslim, I’m just not sure I’m the kind of Muslim who condones or makes excuses for the actions of other Muslims, or maybe even apologizes for or puts out statements on said actions. I’m the kind of Muslim who thinks abuse of women and children is wrong and should never be condoned, explained, legitimized, justified, etc. I’m the kind of Muslim who strives to be the best Muslim I can be, and who has many faults and failings, and who’s so busy and ashamed of my own faults that I really could care less about the “loyalty” of other Muslims, that perhaps I’ll be “loyal” to people who are “loyal” to me, and not just because they call themselves “Muslim”.

And what is wala wal bara’a anyway? Does it have a basis in traditional Islamic fiqh? What of Maliki fiqh?

And am I a “traditional Muslim” anymore?

These are but some of the questions and thoughts I’ve been asking myself as of late.

I’m starting to feel the need to just withdraw a bit, to concentrate on praying, fasting, dhikr and dua, because I’ve found that’s what has helped me when I get weak in faith like this.

I’m just tired and feeling scared and unsure, and I don’t like that.

It also bothers me that I feel as though I must seem like a real basket case to the rest of the world, and perhaps that could best be solved by not blogging at all. But I think I just want to know that I’m not alone. And that I’m not, well, crazy, because I sure feel like it sometimes, and have often found myself wondering if what I’m going through is normal, or if it requires some sort of outside intervention.

What Kind of a Muslim Am I?

Assalamu alaikum, I’m finding myself asking this question again, given recent topics I’ve blogged about and also given the Fort Hood shooting last week.

The thing is, I can’t condone what Nidal Malik Hasan did, evenif you want to use the argument that he was preventing the deaths of innocent Muslims abroad. Even if you want to talk of how the US military is responsible for the deaths of innocent Muslims. Because if you want to use that line of thinking, then Muslims are also responsible for the deaths of innocent Muslims, too, so what’s to be done about them?

I’ve seen the “kuffar vs Muslim” argument re-emerge again in some quarters, as it relates to the US military, and I don’t think the “kuffar vs Muslim” argument holds as much water in this day and age, especially when you have so-called Muslims setting off bombs in markets where there are definitely innocent people there.

Do I think that the US military is responsible for killing innocent Muslims, definitely, but do I think that this justifies a Muslim, who was himself serving in the military, going into a center and shooting who are at this point innocent people, who have up to this point, not killed anyone, as far as we know? I can’t say I support that. And I can’t say that this is a good thing, just because he’s a so-called “Muslim”. And if “the fiqh” says that I have to support him, and if “the fiqh” says that he did the right thing, then I perhaps need to start questioning if I am a Muslim at all, and if I am a Muslim, what kind of a Muslim I am. Because I wasn’t aware that vigilante justice was halal/permissible in Islam. And what this man did, as far as I know, was vigilantism, pure and simple. He was acting on his own, he wasn’t part of an army, or fighting any war, or anything like that.

I did think, though, that CAIR, etc., were a bit too quick to issue the press releases, but that’s my own personal issue, and I can definitely understand why they did this. Because you’ve got a guy named “Nidal Malik Hasan” shooting up an Army base, and we as a community have to say something, because if we don’t, it looks as though we condone this sorta thing. And for many, “Nidal Malik Hasan” is all they need to know, and the fact that he was perhaps mentally ill, or had other issues, won’t figure into their thinking, all they’re going to think is “Arab” “Muslim” “Middle Eastern” “yep sounds just like something they’d do ’cause ya know, their religion says so”. And to think that some Muslims actually think that this sorta thing is OK, and that any Muslim who says otherwise, is being an “apologist”? I’m sorry, I just can’t support this sorta thing. So I guess this makes me an “apologist” too, or a “supporter of the kuffar”, or someone who’s “allegiance” should be questioned. And if so, so be it!

Because I believe in speaking the truth as I see it, even if it is against myself, even if it’s against a fellow Muslim who is doing wrong. Because when I said Shahada 9 years ago, I was declaring my faith in one God, I wasn’t joining a good ol’ boys network, or a social club, where I had to “support the Muslims” no matter what! I’m sorry, if “the Muslims” are killing innocent people, or abusing people, or other things that seem to be (though I wonder sometimes) un-Islamic, then these are people I can’t support, no matter how “holy” or “pious” they may seem.

I mean, am I supposed to believe that “Islam” says it’s OK for a man to walk into a center and start shooting people? So they supposedly won’t go off into “Muslim lands” and “kill innocent Muslims”? But I thought vigilantism was wrong in Islam?

And don’t get me started on the abuse of women and children again. Because if you talk to some people, said abuse either doesn’t exist, is blown out of proportion, or is somehow a “test from Allah”, a “trial from Allah” and that people that are being abused should just take it because they’ll get a great reward in Jannah for their trouble. And oh btw, what if “the Prophet were here? How many people would think he was part of a cult” or “how many people would think that he was being abusive”? Well, I don’t know how many people would think that, though I’d like to think that The Prophet (peace be upon him) wouldn’t be abusing women and children, and wouldn’t be sanctioning people taking the law into their own hands and killing innocent people.

But perhaps we need to define what is “abuse”, what is “vigilantism” and what isn’t. Perhaps beating a child, for example, so badly that he has to be hospitalized because he didn’t learn the verses of the Qur’an he was assigned (I tried to find that story but I can’t find it now), isn’t abuse because the person beating him was supposedly “a holy man” or “pious”. But perhaps I’m too “Westernized” but I can’t see how that’d not be abuse? Would it be abuse if it was just someone off the street beating him?

See, this is the thing that bothers me when we talk about things being “trials from God” and that “the flesh of the scholars is poison”, etc. Because I come back to the question of, what if there’s abuse going on? But further back then that, what do we mean by “abuse”? And if we say something is abuse, how should it be dealt with if a so-called “Scholar” or “shaykh” is perpetrating said abuse? “If the flesh of the scholars is poison”, how do we deal with said scholar if they are abusing people?

And when people say things like “what if the Prophet were here”, etc., “would we think he was a cult leader”, etc., and I think that’s just a way of shutting those of us who are concerned down, it’s a way of silencing us, because no one can definitively answer the “what if the Prophet were here” question, because no one knows how we’d view the Prophet (peace be upon him). Or maybe no one wants to say. But as far as I know, the hadith are pretty emphatic about the fact that the Prophet (peace be upon him) never hit anyone, never abused anyone, never killed any innocent people. So why should we be doing it? Or I should say, if the Prophet (peace be upon him) never did something, then how or why can we, or should we, justify the killing or abuse of other people?

The thing is, I feel like I’m getting contradictory messages, and I think that’s the issue/problem I’m having. I’m told on one hand that the Prophet never hit anyone, woman, child, no one! Yet people condone abuse of women and children. I’m told that killing innocent people, vigilantism, is wrong, yet people excuse things like suicide bombings, etc. I’m told that we must speak the truth, even if it’s against our own selves, yet have also gotten the message that we must support the Muslims no matter what against the “kuffar”, well, ’cause they’re the “kuffar”.

Perhaps I am too “Westernized”. I don’t know. Because I don’t think anyone should be killing innocent people no matter what, and I don’t think people should be abused or ill-treated, no matter who they are, or who’s doing the “abusing”. And everyone should be held to account, whether you’re a scholar, teacher, construction worker, doctor, whoever! If you’re doing wrong, then it needs to be dealt with! And beating someone until they have to be hospitalized, or going into a room and shooting innocent people, that’s wrong, and there is no two ways around that, there is no justifying it! If Muslims want justice for themselves, then perhaps they need to start with themselves first, before they expect “the kuffar” to give them justice!

And the fact that we would even remotely condone the killing of innocent people, once again, leaves me feeling very unsettled! I am a Muslim, there is no doubt about that, I can assure all of you, I’m just not the kind of Muslim who is going to protect someone who’s clearly made their faults manifest for all of the world to see. And I’m not going to say that what Nidal Malik Hasan did was OK, or right, or good, even in the slightest. What he did was unconscionable, and should be condemned in the strongest terms, and Muslims who condemn this sorta thing shouldn’t be viewed as “apologists”.

Pambazuka – Counterterrorisms blindness: Mali and the US

Pambazuka – Counterterrorisms blindness: Mali and the US.

Today’s Track

… is Maxwell “A Fistful of Tears”.

And it’s Wednesday already, Mashallah.

V

Assalamu alaikum, all, I spent most of yesterday watching the “V” miniseries, from the original movie through to the Final Battle. SciFi ( and no it doesn’t feel right spelling it the way they now spell it) was showing it, in anticipation of the remake that is going to be showing tomorrow 11/03/2009. I’m really excited about this is it seems that the pilot episode has gotten good reviews. And perhaps I’ll have more “positive” things to blog about than some of my more “negative” blogging recently.

And if anyone else’s going to be watching it, drop me a line in the comments,
in case something happens on the show visually that I don’t understand and I can ask later. I’ll post any questions I may have on Twitter, how is that?

Dealing with Things Islamicly, What Does That Mean Exactly?

Assalamu alaikum, I’ve been thinking about the whole topic/response of “handling things Islamicly” and I’m wondering, what does that mean exactly?

For example, if we’re talking about “giving dawa”, as I did in a previous post, and we’re discussing how converts are either put on pedestals or made to feel like perpetually new Muslims, who are still being asked many, many years after saying Shahada if they know how to pray, or can make wudu, or being asked/made to recite all of the Qur’an they know, yet at the same time being scolded for “not giving dawa”. How is that handled “Islamicly”? Because I can make many, many excuses for my brothers and sisters. I even said, in my original post, that I’m sure that people mean well. However, it doesn’t change the fact that, speaking for myself only, it still makes me uncomfortable. Being asked to recite Qur’an, describe the steps of Wudu, or tell my conversion story, for the 450th time, to people who’ve already heard me do this before, and always, almost always anyway, in the context of “oh she’s a convert”, not in the context of, “wow, she’s a good reciter and we like to hear it”, or “oh she does such a wonderful job, Mashallah, of outlining the steps of making wudu”, or “oh Mashallah, she’s such a good storyteller”.

No… It’s not any of those things in and of themselves that is the problem. It’s the feeling of being put on the spot, it’s the feeling of constantly having to “prove” my Muslimness to people that I’d think after so many times of meeting with them, praying with them, breaking fast with them, that I’d not continually have to do this. Because it would be different if it was “oh sister, please recite that Surah because Mashallah, it’s so beautiful”, it is “oh you’re a convert, so how much Qur’an do you know”, and then you’re put in the awkward position of having to admit “well, not as much Qur’an as I’d like to know”. And then you start to feel like “you’re not Muslim enough”.

So while I can make many excuses for my fellow Muslims, and I do, everything from, perhaps they didn’t mean it to come out that way to, perhaps their English isn’t very good, I don’t know why I can’t at the same time say that while I’m making my 70 or so excuses for my fellow Muslims’ wanting to put me on the spot as a convert, that it makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and self-conscious and as though I need to prove myself to people.

The next topic is the issue of abuse, etc., in our communities. And yes, I know, we’ve gone over this about 4,000 times too. However, how is this handled Islamicly? Yes, I’m sure in that perfect Muslim community, a woman being abused by her husband could go to the imam, could illicit help from her fellow Muslims in that community, and she could get the help she needs to get out. And she would only need to share the gory details with the imam, perhaps, or a Muslim social worker, or any other relelvant people. However, I’m here to tell you from personal experience that the Muslim community is sorely lacking in handling things like domestic violence.

When I first tried to leave my ex-husband, I went to the local imam in our community for help, on the advice of my then doctor, who was also Muslim. And while at first the imam was sympathetic, and I could hear the distress in his voice when I told him of the abuse and why I left. By the time my ex-husband got done with him, my ex-husband had the imam thinking it was just a simple argument, that it would never happen again, and I could tell that when the imam talked to me after speaking with my ex-husband, I could hear that “oh what’s your problem” tone, the “oh it was just a simple argument and you left over that?” tone, and the imam proceeded to advise me that I needed to go back home as soon as possible, as the longer I stayed away the more “tempted” my ex-husband would get, and the more likely he would be to commit haram acts.

I was completely demoralized. I felt as though I’d been tricked, like I was being told I was a liar or something, that I had gotten all bent out of shape over nothing, and what was worse, I was having the added burden placed on me of not only “leaving my ex-husband unnecessarily” but “causing him to sin” ontop of that. So I’m sorry, every time I hear the phrase “handling things Islamicly”, or some other such phraseology, it makes me angry, because in many cases, the actual meaning is “let’s just not talk about this anymore, because it amkes us uncomfortable. We’d rather just sweep this under the rug and pretend it doesn’t happen.” And where has that gotten us? It hasn’t made the abuse stop, or any of the myriad of other problems in our community stop.

In fact, I went back to my ex-husband, hoping and praying he’d never hit me again, but knowing he probably would. And the next time he did, I had a ruptured eardrum, I had bruises all over my body! I remember sitting on the kitchen floor, after I’d fallen down, after he’d punched, slapped, hit and kicked me, all because I’d supposedly not mopped the floor good enough, and supposedly “disrespected him”, by “talking back” to him, by insisting that I had indeed mopped the floor, that I’d mopped it the exact same way that I’d done every other time that I’d mopped it. But as I sat on the kitchen floor, feeling around on my face, head, waist, legs, I thought of that imam then. I thought how unfortunate it was that he had absolutely no idea of domestic violence and the cycle of it, how it’s not just a “simple argument”, how no one should be forced or toherwise made to feel that they should return to an altogether unsafe situation like that.

I can make excuses for the imam, and have. He wasn’t educated about domestic violence. My ex-husband was a good talker, he could make anyone think anything about anyone, even making me think I was crazy, that I was the one with the issues. I can make excuses for my ex-husband, perhaps he was abused as a child, perhaps he had low self-esteem.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that an imam/leader of the community actively encouraged a blind woman to go back into an unsafe environment, and as a result of that, said woman, who tried to handle things “Islamicly”, followed that advice, because at the time she hoped against all hope, and all known history of that relationship, that her husband at the time would not hit her again, would treat her well, yet knowing deep down inside that he probably wouldn’t. And also knowing deep down inside that the next time he hit her, it would come when she least expected it, and it would be worse than the times before, just as it had been before. Yet she still went back, because she was trying to handle things “Islamicly”! And keep her marriage together, and perhaps try to be a good enough of a wife that her husband wouldn’t need to talk sexy to other non-related women on the phone in her presence, or watch pornographic movies on TV and on the computer. That he’d not have to cuss at her, tell her what a crazy person she was, tell her how no one else would ever want to marry her, tell her that he was the only man who could ever put up with someone like her. Tell her how she’d never succeed without him.

So when I read things like “oh sister you shouldn’t say this, you should handle it Islamicly” or “you’re handling it the Western way”, I’m sorry, perhaps I’m too “westernized”, but our community doesn’t seem to be handling things like abuse any better than the “Westerners” are handling it.

So I want to know, what is the “Islamic” way to handle, say, the discomfort felt by a Muslim convert, or, more pressing, the issue of domestic violence? And quoting hadith is OK, but please, let’s not go into the theoretical, the hypothetical, let’s talk relaity, ont he ground, what’s actually going on in our communities!

Because I’d dare say that if we were doing things right and “Islamicly” to begin with in our own communities, than we’d not have to continually be discussing things like domestic violence, abuse, or the discomfort of converts. Because we’d have structures in our communities in place to deal with these sorts of things, and converts would feel welcome, and not constantly put upon to “prove” their Muslimness, and sisters could go to the proper contacts in the community to get help if they’re being abused, and wouldn’t be made to feel as though they had to go back home for any reason other than their husbands had gone through some serious anger management/batterer intervention classes, and then going home would still be conditional upon noticeable and discernable and true and long-lasting changes being made.

And I don’t mean to rehash, but the recent discussion about “making dawa”, along with a recent post by Izzy Mo, which is no longer available, along with a quite old post from Margari Aziz’s blog had me thinking about how we, as a community in general, deal with things, and what we actually mean when we say “deal with things Islamicly”. And while I think we’re making some progress, clearly, based on recent events, we still have a long way to go. I also think that “dealing with things Islamicly”, doesn’t mean keeping silent or pretending that things don’t exist, and it also doesn’t mean that things can’t be discussed that are uncomfortable for many of us to read/hear.

Blacks still drawn to Islam despite FBI raids : NPR

Blacks still drawn to Islam despite FBI raids : NPR.

2 AM Car Show

From earlier this evening, well, uh, morning. People decided to cruise up and down my street blasting their music. It was like it was in the middle of the day, there was so many people on the street, but it was 2 in the morning instead. Weird…

Today’s Track(s)

Well, this addition of “Today’s Track” is full of “guilty pleasure songs”. First up is David Guetta with “Sexy Chick” (though that’s the censored/”radio-friendly” title), and funny how the chorus of the song talks about “not being disrespectful”, given the uncensored title. Interesting, I guess to some, the 5-letter term for a woman is *not* disrespectful? As I said, this is truly a “guilty pleasure song” if there ever was one. I’m telling you, I’m starting to think I’m really lost, I mean, really and truly lost.

Next up, since the beginning of the David Guetta song kinda reminded me of it, is Kid Cudi and “Day ‘n’ Nite”… I can’t even find words to even comment any further… As I said, I’m lost…

And next is Clipse and “I’m Good”…

And so as to redeem myself, the next song is from an album that my husband has been raving about for the past few weeks now, ever since I found it on Amazon’s mp3 site. The song is from the Malian singer Kandia Kouyate, and the song is called Douwawou (sorry if spelling is wrong).

So there you have it, “Today’s Track” for Thursday 10/29/2009. I need tomake this a regular blog feature, but sometimes it’s hard for me to stay on a set schedule, so will just do it when I think of it I guess.

Take care all and enjoy.

The Effects of Media Consolidation on Urban Radio | Future of Music Coalition

The Effects of Media Consolidation on Urban Radio | Future of Music Coalition.

The World of Work

Assalamu alaikum, one of the things that I think I’m starting to realize as a blind person is that sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, maybe I can’t do things as fast as, or maybe as good as, a sighted person can do it. And that’s really a, well, I’d not say “painful” realization, maybe “disappointed” is the right word. Yeah, “disappointed”, that seems to sum it up. See, the thing is, all of my life, the message I always got was that you’ve got to be twice as good at something to even be looked at the same way, or taken as seriously as, a sighted person. Being “just good enough” well, there was no such thing, because being “just good enough” for a blind person was “not good enough” for the sighted world.

I actually remember being told this straight out, in art class during elementary school, that when I was learning to do something, I had to learn to do it “better than” a sighted person, that I had to be “twice as good as” a sighted person to be “just as successful” in the sighted world as said sighted person would be. OK does this make sense? Do you get it? I do, but at the same time, I’ve found this axiom to be extremely frustrating, not to mention setting the bar so high for yourself that you either can’t meet it, don’t want to meet it, or it’s so hard to meet it that by the time you do, you’re so tired, stressed out, etc., that the joy of meeting that goal is all but taken away from you.

Let me try to illustrate in clearer terms what I’m talking about. Generally, I don’t like talking about my job, as well, this is a public blog (excluding the private and protected posts), and the nature of my job gets a little bit more into my personal/private life than I feel comfortable going into, especially because talking about my job inevitably involves talking about other people (and I’m not talking in the gossippy sense), but let’s just suffice it to say that I don’t talk about my job much on this blog, just ’cause I don’t feel comfortable doing so. However, so as to make the point of this post clear, I’ll hash out the details of my job just enough to keep me from getting out of my comfort level.

I work a desk job, spending the vast majority of my time on the phone with clients. I have a certain quota I’m to meet, as well as other performance measures, in order to maintain an acceptable rating and thus be in good standing in my job performance file/evaluation. Now, let’s just say that without going into too much detail, I don’t have anything to worry about in this area, and I’ve no reason to feel that I’ve anything to worry about in the future. Now, that’s what the rational me says, the “emotional” me, the “worrywart me” says/feels/thinks differently. Especially if I feel that many if not most of my coworkers are performing better than me.

See, it’s not that I want to be “the best” just for its own sake, it’s that I’m afraid to be anything less than “the best”. Because I’ve always been told that I have to be “the best”, that “just good enough” wasn’t good enough at all. And while this all made sense in my head, it sounds crazy now that I’ve put it down on paper. But that’s the best way I can describe it.

And the thing is, I’ll probably never be “the best” in my unit, only because there are things that I just simply can’t do as quickly, and thus, as good as, a sighted person. For example, if a sighted person is looking at a screen of information, they can quickly take in that screen of information, get what they need and perform their task. I, on the other hand, can only read information, at most, line by line, or maybe sentence by sentence. And while I have my own ways (the Jaws find command is invaluable, for example), of getting to the info that I need, and have been told by other coworkers that I do just as well as others, no matter my lack of sight, invariably I’m slowed down just by the mere fact that I can’t take in information as fast as a sighted person, and it just doesn’t feel like I’m going as fast as everyone else anyway. Truthfully, I feel like sometimes I work twice as hard, just to get to where I need to be, i.e., I’m working twice as hard “to do just good enough”, and I find it to be very frustrating. Quite frankly, sometimes I have the feeling that I’m just barely keeping my head above water, though I don’t dare admit this to anyone because then this would show that I’m weak, not capable, and I don’t want to complain too much, or be perceived as complaining too much, lest I make my blindness even more obvious than it already is. And any time the performance measures are changed (i.e. made more stringent), even if I’m currently meeting the more stringent criteria anyway, in the back of my mind, I feel a sense of panic, a sense of fear that I won’t succeed, i.e., be able to meet the new standards. I’m afraid that I won’t make it, that I’ll fail, and that I’ll be written off as “just another blind person who couldn’t hack it in the real world”.

And I’m sure that any coworkers reading this would beg to differ with me, they’d probably tell me that I perform well at my job, that I have nothing to worry about, and I’m sure this is true, however, what I’m really trying to explain and get out into the open are some really deep-seated issues that I, as a blind person, have had drummed into my head, that while they were intended to teach me about the “real world”, and to prepare me for said “real world”, that maybe they had a more negative and damaging side effect. The thing is, another latent message I’ve gotten while growing up was the “no matter how good you are, you’re still going to fail”, “and end up running back here to the blind school”, was normally the end of that reframe, or “go running back home to your parents”, if the discussion was about one’s adult life.

And I think that’s the gist of it right there… That I’m afraid to fail, and not only am I afraid to, but that I will, somehow, inevitably, at some point, fail. And while we’re all told that failure is OK, that it’s bound to happen at some point in our lives, at least for me, the message I’ve always gotten was that failure, for a blind person, is never an option, because failure means not that you just fail sometimes, not that you just dust yourself off and try again, no, that you have failed, that it was necessarily because you were blind, or something related to said blindness, and thus you “couldn’t hack it” in the “real”, read “sighted” world.

So no matter how good I am at my job, no matter how well I may perform now or will perform in the future, the fear I have is that somehow I’ll fail. And it’s not just “failing” that’s the problem, it’s the fear of validating every negative stereotype about blindness that anyone could have possibly ever had. That I’ll fail and then people will say “see we shouldn’t have hired her” or “see, we knew she couldn’t hack it”, or something like that. And then that makes me want to work harder to be “better than” everyone else, because I feel I can’t be “just as good as”, and then I get tired, stressed out, afraid that I’ll fail, and afraid to say any of this out loud, because then it will show that I really “can’t hack it”, that I’m not capable, no matter how much the numbers and the stats may say otherwise.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I crazy? Do I need professional help? Am I “messed up” as they say? Do I “have issues”? Have I opened myself up to scorn and ridicule just for opening up and saying all of this publicly? Is there something wrong with me?

The thing is, my fears of failure aside, I’m proud, though not prideful, and I think there is a difference, of the fact that I can stack up as well as my sighted counterparts, and just based on the raw data, I’m sure I have nothing to worry about. However, I think I’m dealing with a lot of “stuff” that was drilled into my head from early childhood, that may or may not be necessarily true, and while said messages may have been intended to spur me to work harder, to be successful, in a world where the majority of people did not, and do not expect me to be successful, as I said before, said messages have had the negative side affect of making me fearful at times, of losing the success said messages were intended to teach me to prepare and work hard for in the first place. And a part of me is angry about that, because as I’m thinking about it, it normally wasn’t blind people who were giving me those messages, but sighted ones. And it occurs to me that I wonder if they, in supposedly trying to teach me to succeed, were in actuality setting me up to fail, so as to fulfill their own prophecies about me and blind people in general? “You’ll just sit at home and collect SSI” was a common reframe I heard from teachers, staff, etc., at school. And it was said scoffingly, like “no matter that you’re hear learning, it’s just a waste of time anyway, because you’re just going to end up graduating and getting ssi anyway”.

And so when I graduated school and went to college, I wanted to work, not only because that was what I wanted, but to also prove all of the naysayers wrong, that I did more than just “sit at home and collect SSI”. It took me 11 years after graduation to visit my high school again, because I was too ashamed to go back without something to show for it. I didn’t want to go back and say, when asked, “no I’m not working”, and thus be saying in essence, “yes I’ve failed”. “yep, I did exactly what ya’ll expected of me in the first place”, i.e., that I’m just sitting at home and collecting that check. No matter that I’m not “just sitting at home and collecting that check”.

The thing is, surely, there’s a better way to teach blind children that, while the rest of the world may not think so, that “you”, whoever that “you” is, thinks they will be successful, whatever that “success” entails. Because it’s terrible to outright tell a child, or even imply to a child, that you don’t think they’re going to succeed, just because your preconceived notions of them tell you that they won’t succeed. Because that can have negative impacts on them throughout the rest of their lives, as it has with me.

In the US, Hope for Victims of Genital Mutilation | Newsweek Health | Newsweek.com

Assalamu alaikum,

from Achelois’s blog.

Mashallah.

And that’s all I’ll say, as I fear I’ll say something that will offend someone, or make me seem ignorant, close-minded, superior to others, etc., that’s happened to me when I’ve discussed this topic in the past.

In the US, Hope for Victims of Genital Mutilation | Newsweek Health | Newsweek.com.

Why Is This?

Assalamu alaikum, this kind of runs in the same vein as the “giving dawa” post, and that is the topic of discussing Islam in sub-Saharan Africa, or discussing Muslims in Africa, or talking about African countries that have significant, if not majority, Muslim populations. And that is, what I take to be, the complete dismissal of African Muslims, or how Islam is practiced/manifests itself in African countries. I’ll try to give an example of what I mean.

I had an experience a few weeks ago, when I was telling a sister about my husband’s home country, how upwards of 90% of the population is Muslim there, how I’ve traveled there before, etc. I’d probably spent about five minutes describing my husban’ds home country, etc., when the sister says to me “Have you ever been to the Holy Land” (I think she was Palestinian but can’t remember now). I told her that I hadn’t, to which she responded “well, you really should go”. Perhaps she meant nothing by it, perhaps she didn’t know what to say so that was the best she could think of to say, perhaps she had no idea that there were any Muslims in Africa, at least in Sub-Saharan Africa anyway.

However, the comment came across to me as dismissive, at the very least. Here, I’d just spent the past few minutes telling her about The Gambia and that’s all she could think of to say? I felt like she was saying “you shouldn’t have gone there, you should have went here”, which reminds me of another time I mentioned that I wanted to go back to The Gambia one day, and being asked “have you ever been to Hajj?” And when I said no, I got the “well you really need to go to Hajj first” treatment. Well of course! Which to me wasn’t even worth saying, because everyone should strive to go to Hajj, I mean, it’s not like it’s an either or thing, that if I go to The Gambia that I can’t go to Hajj.

But it’s the completely looking over, the complete dismissal of Muslim Africans that I detect in these sorts of expressions that really bothers me. The “why would you even want to go over there when you can go to Jordan or Palestine” sentiment, for example. And I know I shouldn’t or needn’t ask why, but why is this? Is it because you think African Muslims are so much lesser than you because they’re not Arab nor not white? I can definitely see why many African Muslims in this country are just starting their own masjids, because if a totally blind white Muslim woman like myself can detect the superiority complex that some Muslims have, then I’m sure many African Muslims can see it too. And who wants to be told that your Islam isn’t as real as someone else’s, or that you’re not a “true” Muslim?

“But You Have to Tell them”

Assalamu alaikum, the issue of “making dawa”, although I’ve been told it’s a requirement of Muslims, has been, well, how do I say it? An “uncomfortable” one for me. Because when you talk about “spreading the message” of Islam, the image that immediately pops into my head is the evangelist Christian preachers on the corner, or on TV, or the people who would walk up to you, unbidden and unannounced, and ask you something along the lines of “do you know Jesus”, “are you a Christian”, “are you saved”, or something like that. And I’m sorry but that’s just not the kind of “dawa” I want to be spreading, because I find it to be intrusive, and a violation of personal space, to say the very least. Not to mention that personally, it’s none of their business whether I’m a Christian, or whether I’ve accepted Jesus as my personal lord and saviour anyway.

But a common question I get from many Muslims, and they seem to almost always be born/immigrant Muslims is, “do you tel them about Islam”? This usually comes after I’ve answered the question as to whether or not I’m the only Muslim in my family (which perhaps is none of anyone’s business anyway either). And most of the time I sheepishly say “no”, and it’s not that I don’t explain Islam to people who ask, or talking about an Islamic concept, or that I hide my Islam, it’s just that I don’t make it a point to go around to people, whether they be friends, family, or complete strangers, and just start talking about Islam, and how you must be Muslim to go to Heaven/Paradise/Jannah, etc., and that you’ll go to Hell if you don’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. Because I can tell you that that type of “dawa” wouldn’t work with many of my non-Muslim friends, family, and coworkers, in fact, it would probably have the opposite affect. They would probably get offended, bored, angry, etc., but “giving dawa”, “telling them about Islam”, “making sure they know they have to be Muslim”, or anything of the like, would probably have the same affect as someone telling me that I have to be a Christian to go to Heaven, which is pretty much that it’s not going to bring them any closer to accepting Islam. And I’ve tried to explain to people that the “dawa” that I feel most comfortable with is the what I like to call “dawa by action”. Which basically means going out and being your self and trying to be as good of a Muslim and all-around human being as you can be. Because I honestly think that’s what people will remember the most about you. Because it doesn’t matter how much you “talk” about Islam, if you’re a selfish person, if you’re rude, obnoxious, etc., that your words aren’t going to mean anything, and worse, people will think less about Islam, because you talked about what Islam was, yet didn’t back it up with your actions. Whereas if you actually resembled the character of what a good Muslim should be, and people knew you were a Muslim, then perhaps that would draw more people to you and to Islam by extention, because of your good character and how you treat others. That’s how I came to Islam… It wasn’t because anyone “talked” to me about Islam. It was because I *saw!* Muslims in everyday life, just going and doing and being. So months later, when a professor of mine in an African studies class trotted out the “Islam concquered by the sword, Islam is violent” mantra, I was able to flip back through my mind and say “hey I was just in The Gambia and Senegal (Africa) a few months ago and this wasn’t the Islam I saw, hmmm, maybe I need to research this to see if the professor’s assertions were/are correct”. Which then led me to read more about Islam, which then led to me eventually accepting Islam and becoming a Muslim. So IMHO, “talking” about Islam isn’t going to get you as far as just being a good Muslim is. Especially when some people can talk a good game but don’t even practice what they’re talking about.

Breaking News: Femi Peters Arrested, Lt. Colonel Gibril Bojang Detained at Mile II Prisons > The Gambia Echo > The Gambia Echo – Online Newspaper

Assalamu alaikum, I knew something was wrong when my husband’s phone started ringing off the hook, from the time he went to the masjid for Isha prayers until he got back.

Breaking News: Femi Peters Arrested, Lt. Colonel Gibril Bojang Detained at Mile II Prisons > The Gambia Echo > The Gambia Echo – Online Newspaper.

Mr. Peters’ arrest came in the wake of a defiant political rally in Serekunda, 7-miles off the capital, Banjul only yesterday evening. Even though the UDP was denied a police permit, it went ahead as scheduled and in what many described as a revolutionary departure from its party leader’s usually tempered demeanor, lawyer Ousainou Darboe lambasted the Gambian leader as an utterly despicable dictator who wants to micro-manage every sector of Gambian society.

Femi Peters, the UDP, as well as everyone in The Gambia are in my thoughts and prayers, I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I always get, when something is about to go down, yet I can’t quite say exactly what that “something” is, and I don’t want to let anyone know just in case said “something” never materializes and I look like a paranoid fool.